Little Bird

Gary and I were driving yesterday, I was in such an amazing mood after finding the most perfect photo album to hold Gabriel's pictures. I watched the road as two small birds swooped down both flapping their wings fiercely as they fought over food. They were so distracted...Gary even tapped on the breaks to try and give them a second to move, but the inevitable happened. I looked back out the passenger side window and there lay one of the tiny birds, dead. I broke into a million pieces, tears started falling from my eyes as I screamed at my husband that he had just killed a bird. This episode was so intense and so fast, I couldn't understand what was happening with me. I felt side swiped.

After a little while I told my husband I was sorry for yelling at him, he told me it was okay. I explained to him that the imagery reminded me of our baby. The Sunday before Gabriel passed our little one had been so active, kicking and bouncing around like crazy for most of the day, just like the bird. Something happened, we aren't sure what it is but the car had represented an outside force, an uncontrolled force that left the little bird life less...like Gabriel. When talking about this incident at M.E.N.D. later that evening it truly amazed me what can be triggers for grief. After hearing numerous stories about triggers other parents had experienced I no longer felt like I was losing my mind.

I am getting tired though, getting fed up with waking up to yet another day my son isn't here...I am annoyed with life and how it is turning out for me. Most of all I feel abandoned by God, I feel he gave me a beautiful gift by giving me Gabriel for even the 38 weeks we had together, but why did I only get such a short amount of time? I watch friends with their children, with their babies and how it makes my heart ache. I wonder when I am pregnant again, if I will ever become pregnant again, will people ask me if our next baby is our first? What will I say? I will never deny Gabriel as my son but people now even seem to be unsatisfied with the response,"I have a baby in heaven." They always have to ask questions. I wonder what my future holds, will there be more little birds I lose, or can I be hopeful that they will move in time and he delivered into my arms to have and to hold?