4 Months

I still haven't gone to sleep after the emotional roller coaster I was on earlier. Four months was finally upon me, I don't know where the time is going but I feel helpless as I watch the minutes fall away. I feel cheated, I feel like I was robbed of something beautiful. I was full of such anger this afternoon as I laid on my bed crying and thinking of how unfair this life can be. I shopped to make something for Gabriel and put it all together. I cried as we left the cemetery, feeling heart broken and full of defeat. I still get the longing to "save" him, to unbury his tiny coffin and hold him once more. I forget that he won't be who he was, that his soul is no longer inside of him. I was pretty thankful our amazing friends Dave and Tarin let us come over to their place for a few hours. I was given a chocolate bar and my nails were painted even, oh what beautiful bliss it was to just exist with my friends. To talk and laugh and joke...I don't think I've ever felt so thankful to be away from home, to be away from the over bearing emptyness that hangs in the air when I walk through the door at home.

I miss him, I just miss him so very much. I want to hold him and kiss him. I want to hear his laugh and look into his beautiful curious eyes. I just want to be a mother who wakes up to crying at night, who breastfeeds, who changes diapers...not buys flowers for a grave.

I hope he knows how much we love him, how much we miss him and how badly we want him to be here with us.

We love you Gabriel, Happy 4 Month Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo