Weekend Surprise

Well, Saturday evening we went down with Gary's mom to Branson. His grandparents are in town staying at their time share and his older brother is also visiting with his family. It is a three bedroom with plenty of space to pull out the mattresses from the couch. His brother has a pregnant wife, she is a little over half way, and two little ones both under the age of three. I knew from the start it was going to be a struggle for me emotionally but I didn't think it was fair to deprive my husband time with his grandparents. Last night was okay, I had a little bit of a melt down in the bathroom after some misplaced jokes. It was hard watching his brother's wife though, watching her cuddle the kids and give them kisses. All I could think about was my little one and how he was supposed to be a part of these plans, instead of little girl screams and little boy giggles I wanted to hear my baby's tiny cries and heart melting coo's. I spent the entire time avoiding eye contact with his brothers wife though, I don't even think I said hello or good bye.

Being around her was like a slap in the face, a reminder of how much I have failed as a woman and mother. I don't know if I could ever be happy for them when they welcome their little one into the world...I fear I will be bitter and hateful...not openly to them of course. I don't think I will have to worry so much, they pretend that we don't exist and they have yet to acknowledge Gabriel as their nephew. To say the least I am glad to be home again. I had to bring the blanket Gabriel was wrapped in just because it was our first night being away from him, being in a different town. I hate being vulnerable....most days I still have to remind myself that I am a mother and that yes, my son has died.

Right now there is a storm with so much rain...I still get the urge to "save" him. I still get this overwhelming need to go unbury him and bring him home, I feel crazy sometimes when I think like that but I guess it is normal. I miss my baby...