Play Ball!

Today my hubby and I had an amazing day off together, we had some good quality time alone. We watched a movie snuggled against each other and didn't even bother to dress till after noon. We mapped even after an early morning of marriage bliss, we just enjoyed each other spiritually, passionatly, and physically. In the afternoon we had made plans to surprise my little brother by showing up at his baseball game, it seemed harmless really. I'm looking down at the dug out, the boys all have their names on the back of their team shirts, and to my surprise there is the inevitable...all I could do was look at the sky and think to myself, of course, why wouldn't we want to take a break from the reminders? Next to my brother Max was #8, in big bold black letters GABE.

When Gary and I had decided we would name our son Gabriel, we were so dead set against the shorter nick name Gabe, but of course by the end of the pregnancy everyone was referring to him as baby Gabe and it grew on me, I loved it!

I walked down to the dug out and sat with my brother when he was sitting out an inning. Him and Gabe were both switching out who was catcher each inning. I stood outside the dug out watching quietly as my dad helped gear up Gabe for the catcher position. A couple times I heard him yell,"Time to suit up Gabe!" In that moment I wondered, would Gabriel's papa had taught him to play baseball when he was old enough? Would he have called out those words with his grandson running up to play catcher? The game could not end soon enough for me, all I could think about was how I would never hear those words pass from my dads lips to my son, I wouldn't watch him get his "game face" on in the final games of the season...I will never know what possibilities my baby's future held.

At the end of the game my brother game up to me to say goodbye, his face was covered in dirt with a smile from ear to ear....I will never see that little boy smile from my son after winning a game...never.

We left and I cried, I broke on the inside but thankfully had my friends to push away the hurt for a while longer. Now though, I reflect on my feelings with an ache in my heart. Still questioning, why? Why me? Why did my son have to die?