What A Mess

It seems like no matter what I do to try and make my day go smoother or not try to be so sad I end up with a horrible melt down. It feels like every day there is a little more pain to my wounds, a deeper feeling of loss. Yesterday I was just driving home, no intention of stopping anywhere. Some how, and I honestly don't know how I ended up there, I was parked at the cemetery. It was like I was on auto pilot, my mind was yelling at me to go home but my body was taking the keys out of the ignition, opening the car door and walking up to Gabriel's grave. The tears were falling pretty hard in the short distance it took to be next to him. Surprisingly I was screaming,"Why?! Why me? Why now?" My only response was cruel silence. My heart was aching but the words were falling so fast. "I love you Gabriel, I miss you...I miss you so much...I love you so much..." I stared helplessly at his place marker and called my mom. Through streaming tears I told her I was at the cemetery, that yes, I was alone. I didn't know who else to call but I poured out my pain. "Gary won't let me unbury him mom, I tried to come back here last night when it was raining but Gary just dragged me back in the house and locked the doors." "Honey you can't unbury him."

I told her how I couldn't believe I was a mommy, she replied she couldn't believe it either. "I didn't know I would be this kind of mommy though." "No one did. But you are a beautiful mommy" I cried that I didn't remember what it felt like to hold him and she told me I would never forget that. "No matter how many times I say I miss him or love him he is still gone...he isn't coming back." "I know honey." She cried with me, convinced me to drive over to her house. As I hung up I said his name sharply,"Gabriel! Give me a sign...let me know you are okay!" To my surprise the wind around me picked up. The tears fell even harder, all I could repeat was how much I missed him and loved him, how sorry I was for all of this. The wind continued to pick up even more. I wrapped my arms around myself and squeezed hard. "Do you feel that? That is mommy giving you a hug, a great big hug for my beautiful boy." I blew kisses into the wind as I continued to hug,"Those kisses are special, just for you. Let me feel you baby, give mommy a hug too."

I closed my eyes and the feeling that came after was unbelievable, it is hard to even describe. It literally felt like someone was holding me, the wind felt wrapped around my body. I didn't want to let go but i did, I released the hug and the wind calmed again. "I love you...don't forget that."

As i left I started to feel empty again, and by the time I reached my moms house I was in need of a hug and still felt like breaking. But something happened in that moment, I believe he was there, somehow.