Mixed

11 days. I have 11days to come up with something to do to celebrate Gabriel's 4 month birthday. I have a few ideas...yet something feels so wrong in the pit of my stomach. Four seems so much bigger than three, it has an air about it, an air of loneliness. It seems more defiant to go along with my fake happiness at the idea he is in heaven. (Not that I'm not thankful he is it just isn't something to be "happy" about) I am trying to let go of the sadness, I am tired of feeling so empty, so useless, so...sad. Something inside me is whispering,"Too soon love" and fills my head with memories. I cry, I weep silently or sometimes even wail as I fall to the ground in my empty little home. I don't know what else to feel, I don't know how else to feel anything other than this overpowering sadness. It hurts. I feel like others expect me to be over this, to start moving forward, to be the funny and loving girl they used to know...how can I get them to understand she isn't coming back? The girl I was has vanished, a part of my soul has died...I can feel a missing piece to me and I know it rests with the son I love and adore.

As much as I wish this upon no one there is a certain air of understanding when I am around someone who has been through this. If my lip starts to quiver and my throat starts to close they give a reassuring presence that I'm not insane. They don't tell me it's going to be okay, even though we both know it will be tolerable some day, instead they sit there in quiet. They know. I don't need to explain. Over the last few days I have considered cutting out those who don't understand and focusing on relationships with those who do. The things people say can be so so so painful...they have no idea.
I am very lost in my life.

*image from Google. "Divine Comedy:Pity"