Pain With No Name

I cried today, I cried until I was weak and exhausted. My heart was aching so very much. I stood in the shower and I could feel my heart breaking, I could feel my soul cracking into a million pieces...my tears mixed with the water and it took all of my might not to scream. I just sobbed, I cried out his name, I called out Gary's name...I felt lost. I felt trapped in a place where nothing made sense, where pain is so deep and hurtful it doesn't even have a name. I let the water fall over me as I leaned into the cold tile, oh my aching heart. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to carry on another second of this inhumane reality...I was side swiped, I had no idea how I became so incredibly fragile, so...broken. My baby, my beautiful son is not here. No matter how many times I say his name, no matter how many tears fall, no matter how many times I scream and beg...I can't fix this. I can't bring him to my chest and rock him to sleep, I can't....I feel defeated. I feel like I've been trying to bargain away this pain, bargain away this reality for him but nothing is changing. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I have hope that by some miracle this will all go away and I will wake to his infant cries? Why can't I accept what must be accepted?

*image of my husband at the cemetery with our son.