8 Months

Yesterday was Gabriels 8 month angelversary, as always it was a bitter sweet day. I took it really hard, I cried a lot more than I have been. It hit me just how much I am missing. I have friends who post about little ones that were born around the time Gabriel was, their babies are starting to talk and crawl and even stand! I do not hold a grudge against anyone nor am I envious or jealous of their posts...some days it hits so hard though. For a while I felt like I was doing good, I felt like I was taking my first steps forward...but now I feel like I am slipping into a hole, the light is only fading and I am becoming less and less hopeful. I am lost. I feel like yet again I am merely surviving...what I am doing right now is not living. I don't want to forget him, but I wish I could just forget it all for even a few months. I wish I didn't have to feel the pain, I wish I could just wake up and find out I was stuck in a horrible coma and this was all a dream. I want the pain to go away, it isn't fair that Gabriel had to die! I want so badly to change the outcome, even though deep down I know I can't. This heart ache, this dizzying spiral of despair, is cruel and inhumane. How can I just accept this and go on? It is so surreal, and now that Gary and I are falling back into life as a couple instead of a family, it makes it seem more and more unlikely that Gabriel existed. Why does the human mind do this? Why can't I accept this? I don't know if this is normal, I know everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time...but why can't I accept this?

Six Years

Today Gary and I spent the day running errands, trying to find our own car, and being out of the house. As of today it has been six years since we first started dating, it is still hard to believe how fast time flies by! I've noticed that most days it still feels surreal that Gabriel even existed, or that he is gone. I look at pictures and it feels like a dream, I find myself wondering if it is really us in those pictures. I am finding that I don't feel like I fit anywhere, I don't blend in well with all the mothers my age and it seems that less and less I fit in with the M.E.N.D. friends I have. The women I mostly see outside of the support group had early miscarriages, a very different loss than my own. No matter what, we have all lost a beautiful life that was wanted and is loved...but each loss has its own obstacles we have to overcome. I wish I had more people that suffered stillbirths to turn to, they understand what it is like to face the struggles Gary and I do. I thought I had a really good friend, but it turns out that may not be the case...despite my efforts to be a supportive and good friend it just wasn't enough. It seems like I've done nothing right, instead offended her non stop. If anything I am ready for 2012 to be over, it has been the worst year of my life to date...and though sprinkled with blessings there has been so much negative I am wanting to move forward.

Thanksgiving

It would seem to me that I have survived the first holiday yet without my precious Gabriel. This year I was quite content to be in a quiet atmosphere, it was only me, my mom, Clyde, and Gary. Since I had stayed up the night before I was extremely exhausted, but in the morning I witnessed a beautiful sunrise. I took it as a sign from Gabriel, a marvelous painting in the sky to let me know he was with me. I thought everything would be okay, I knew I could be strong and I was determined to be strong....that didn't last long. Less than an hour after watching the sunrise it all sank in, there would be no house to house shuffle with the baby, no giggles of laughter, no sleeping drool on Daddys shirt. In an instant the tears began to fall, big wet tears. I felt vulnerable, devastated even and my heart ached with pain like those first moments I found out he was gone. I almost cancelled going to my moms, all I wanted was to crawl under the blankets and escape the world.
I ended up dozing off and on at my moms house, it was so peaceful. We ate amazing and delicious food and for once I didn't gorge myself. When Gary and I finally came home I was more than ready to spend the night sleeping away reality. I miss my Gabriel so much, I love him more than I thought I could ever love another person...

By Candlelight

Last night something came over me, a feeling moving in my soul. It was 3 a.m. and I lit a candle, quietly walking into the living room and asking Gary to turn of his 360. As he was finishing up his game I set the candle in the middle of the living room floor, turned off the lights and sat indian style on one side of the candle. Gary sat next to me at first but I kindly asked him to sit across from me. When he did I held both his hands, one on either side of the candle. "We haven't done this in a while..." I whispered. He nodded his head in agreement. "I think you should start it." "But Gary, you always start this off for us..." "There is a first time for everything."
For a while I sat there, I kept asking him to start and repeating that I didn't know what to say. He waited patiently, I closed my eyes and the tears were falling before I even spoke my first word. I went to God with my anger, I cried as I confessed my pain and hurt to him. What shocked me the most was when I finally got a glimpse of the anger that Gary so strongly feels in his heart. I won't share details about what was said but as we prayed I felt like I was being held, like a weight was rising from my chest. We ended it with telling Gabriel how much we loved him and missed him. I don't expect to do this every night, maybe Gary will surprise me and initiate our prayer circle again tonight...but I don't plan on forcing the matter. This is just one step, maybe a step in the right direction but only time will tell.

Grief Work

It has been a few days since I have been able to post, my blood sugar levels have been extremely out of control leaving me weak and sick. Today I am feeling better and after a visit to my doctor I am focused on changing my life style to better suit my health. I can't continue with my 30 days of thanks like I originally anticipated, I have been a little more of an emotional wreck than I thought I would be. As the days get closer to Thanksgiving it is taking a toll in my grief. The last few nights I have been crying for Gabriel, I can't imagine the fact that I should have a little boy here learning how to crawl and starting to talk. It is really hard.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 11

Day 11: November 11,2012

I am thankful for the yummy taste of hot chocolate! One of my favorite parts about it getting colder is that hot chocolate, hot twa, and warm coffee always hit the perfect spot! I am a little worried about this holiday season but I am hoping to take it one breath at a time. I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner at my moms house though! My mouth is watering when I start to think of all my favorite comfort foods, I think that will be a day where I wear my comfiest pajamas over too! I also cant wait for the first snow, I am a little apprehensive now that I cant keep baby Gabriel "warm" in a sense but watching quiet snow fall during the night can be very soothing!

30 Days of Thanks-Day 10

Day 10: November 10,2012

I am thankful for a woman who loves me like I was her own, my mother in law. We had an amazing conversation, about Gabriel, about God, about grief...I dont know if we have ever had such a nice conversation without me getting defensive. She has helped me so much though through the last few years. When Gary and I couldnt afford our own place, his parents let us stay with then rent free for longer than we should have ever stayed. When we were in the hospital after finding out Gabriel had passed away his dad immediately told us not to worry abiut anything, he would take care of it. They planned almost the entire service, his casket, and the plot where Gabriel now rests...I dont know what I would have donw without them. They have given us so much, I dont know where I would be in life without their guidance. I dont have a picture of his dad right now but the picture is of his sister and mom.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 9

Day 9: November 9,2012

Today I am thankful for my husbands day off. For some reason today was so difficult on me, I was missing Gabriel beyond belief and my heart was aching. I was looking through his memory box and about burst into tears, I couldn't believe that everything that happened is real. I felt incomplete.
We ended up stopping by Garys parents house, they had people there to help clean things from the fire. Two of the women who were helping commented on my memorial tattoo. They said they really liked it and that it was beautiful! Then Garys dad said,"That was the first tragedy of the year, he didn't survive." And Garys mom said to the women,"Yea, that's one of our grandbabys". Just hearing them mention him almost brought tears to my eyes. A lot of times I worry that my family is moving on and forgetting Gabriel, so to hear them talk about him even a little was wonderful.
We then spent time out at the cemetery laying with our baby. I sang to him again and the weather was beautiful. I wish I could spend every day out there with Gabriel, it is always so peaceful. Overall it ended up being an okay day, I survived one breath at a time and now I hope for a better tomorrow.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 8

Day 8: November 8,2012

I am thankful for the memory box I recieved after we lost Gabriel. The original items inside were a blue knitted hat and booties, a dress gown, another knit hat that  
we have pictures of Gabriel in and a blue knit blanket he was wrapped in. I have kept some of the items in there but filled it with my own memories too. I have his ultrasounds, letters Gary and I had written when we first found out we were pregnant, and numerous other items. I am thankful to have this box and to the people that crafted these items for bereaved parents.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 7

Day 7: November 7,2012

I am thankful for my feet! I love how Gabriel has my little toes. Without my feet I wouldn't be able to feel mud squishing between my toes, I wouldn't feel the soft grass in the summer, I wouldn't feel the cool crisp puddles of rain when I am dancing in a storm!

I am also thankful for the amount of page views my blog has had since I started it Mothers Day morning. I now have over 1,000 views! Thank you, without knowing that someone is reading about my grief journey then I might not have continued to blog.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 6

Day 6:November 6,2012

I am thankful that I have the freedom and right to vote in our country. Some places aren't nearly as lucky as Americans are when it comes to political leaders.
While I was waiting for my mom to get done voting, she had dropped me off at the cemetery to be with Gabriel. I laid with him, the breeze felt absolutely wonderful and birds were chirpping and flying all around. I even took out my phone and turned on music from his playlist and sang to him. I miss him so very, very much.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 5

Day 5: November 5,2012

I am thankful for my education. I am so thankful to the people who continued to push me to graduate and not just settle for my G.E.D. Being able to graduate was

My Mom and I at my graduation

an amazing feeling, standing in front of hundreds of people and showing them that yes I did it! I made it! In that moment I felt on top of the world, I felt invincible and I was absolutely proud that I was a graduate. I know how to read, I know how to add, subtract, divide and multiply. Thanks to my amazing english teachers I know how to write amazing poems and short stories.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 4

Day 4: November 4,2012

I am thankful for dreams. On the evening of the third I had adream that I will cherish for the rest of my life!  Gary and I were walking together, we were somewhere peaceful and beautiful. In my heart I knew we were going to see someone, but I couldnt figure it out. Before long we were staring into a tiny crib, two big shinning brown eyes gazed back at us. It was our Gabriel! He was so excited to see us, he had the biggest grin and the most innocent giggle I have ever heard. I remember thinking,"finally, I get to hold you!" I was full of such joy and happiness...it is the first dream I have had since Gabriels passing where he is alive.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 3

Day 3: November 3,2012

Today I feel very blessed to have my husband in my life, some days I don't know where I would be without him! We have been through so much, even with so many people doubting our relationship would last we continue to prove them wrong each day! He is funny, passionate and my very best friend. I know he is an amazing father just by how he was with Gabriel while he was in my tummy, I can't wait to have babies to bring home someday too. We strive to keep open communication and honesty a main ingredient in our marriage...and of course spicy couple time!

30 Days of Thanks-Day 2

Day 2: November 2,2012

I am thankful for my moms dog Sweetie. She was supposed to be a gift for me after I lost Gabriel, but at the time I was living with Garys parents and they didn't want dogs in the house. I used to look at people who were overly fond of animals and think how crazy they were...who let's an animal lick all over their face? Why baby talk an animal? Since my motherly instinct has kicked in though, all that has gone out the window now! Every time I come to my moms house Sweetie comes running to meet me at the door, and when I finally sit down she always has to be up in my lap for a while. She loves when I rub her tummy and scratch behind her ears. She even loves to be held like a baby in my arms! I love her so much and don't know what I would do without her. I am blessed to have this little fuzz ball in my life!

30 Days of Thanks-Day 1

I have decided instead of doing the normal Facebook status with what I am thankful for I will use it as another photography project! I want to spend this month focusing on my blessings every day.

My first day is a little behind but it is a holiday picture Gary and I had done last year for Christmas. This picture holds so much meaning, it used to make my heart ache though. I would be angry with God and ask him, why? Why could I not even spend one Christmas with Gabriel? I would think about how I wanted things to be, I wanted the fussy baby being a pain in the neck as we tried to capture the perfect photo. I wanted pictures of Gabriel in a little Santa hat with a big cheesy grin on his face. I wanted him hone for the holidays. In the beginning I would beg God to bring him home to me, even for a day that was all I needed, all I wanted. When it came to this picture though I heard that people were questioning why I had even put Gabriels name on there to begin with it, to say the least it stung to hear people so unsupportive. I had struggled a lot with the decision to sign the card baby Gabriel, but it felt right in my heart at the time so I went with it. Looking back I am so thankful! God knew I would need this! The other day I was staring at this photo and started to cry, but instead of tears of heart ache they were tears of joy, I will always have at least a single family portrait from one of my favorite holiday season. My Gabriel was alive in that picture, he knew love and my voice, he knew songs I sung and his daddys voice. I am thankful and blessed to forever have this picture.

Capture Your Grief, Day Thirty One

Day 31: Sunset
October 31,2012

I can't even believe this project is already over! I captured an absolutely beautiful sunset with none other than my amazing husband and son. We lit up his pumpkins again for Halloween, most of the day I have been sleeping but when I was awake I couldn't stop dwelling on everything. It hurt to see all the Facebook pictures of mommy's and daddy's with their little ones all dressed up, I could only image what Star Wars character Gary would have put on Gabriel. 7 months is really hitting me though, it hurts to breathe anymore. How? Why? Questions that have no answers. I am finding more peace with God but this burden of pain and heart ache is only seeming to intensify. I wish I could see his smile! I wish I could have just one dream where he is alive, but he never is alive in my dreams. I hope to see a psychic medium soon, I want to see what she has to say and maybe I can get some peace of mind! It amazes me how much love is trapped in my heart for Gabriel, I barely got any time with him after he was born but despite the shock and hurt I managed to open my heart in a way I can't even describe. I didn't get to hear him cry but the moment I saw him he was my everything, he is beautiful. I wish so badly I could have spent a lifetime with him, instead I got 38.5 weeks with him, and in that time he changed me. He fulfilled a purpose that he was sent to, I am still trying to figure it out but tonight Clyde may have pointed me in just the direction I need. It accomplishes all I have been asking for, a way to memorialize him and help others. Please God, give me a sign that this is your purpose for me. You have blessed me with a beautiful life surrounded by people that love me ans care for me. Everything you do is divine, thank you for the strength you give me daily, to keep going despite my narrow sighted vision.