Teen Mom

Earlier this evening I was watching the Teen Mom season finale on MTV. I don't always watch this show but I have been a little bit of a fan. I noticed today though I have been in a really weird place, I am so sad even with taking my Zoloft. Well, listening to all the little three year olds in the show saying "mommy" really got to me. It hit me so hard, like a ton of bricks, I will never hear my baby Gabriel call me mommy! I started to cry and kept thinking how unfair life can be, and for some reason it really sunk in that yes! I am a mother! I should be taking care of an almost five month old baby....but I'm not...

I've been reading a lot of heart breaking stories in a recent facebook group I joined that is for grieving mothers. It spans all age groups and reading about horrific car accidents had me thinking how thankful I was that Gabriel passed the way he did. I didn't want him to go but since he had to I am glad he could be in the safest place, my womb. I told Gary this and felt heavy hearted. I can't help but wonder why this had to happen, why wasn't I good enough to be a mother to Gabriel?

It is crazy to think that five months ago I was in the full swing of contractions but had an epidural so I could sleep and gather my strength. I wish I could go back there, to be able to hold him again would be so beautiful! I don't know where the time is going anymore, it doesn't feel like five months have passed yet!

When the world is sleeping...

I lay in bed tonight, my mind is heavy with thoughts and I feel covered by a heavy blanket of sadness. I still feel like a failure, where did I go wrong and why did my baby have to die? What did I DO to DESERVE this?! It feels like the world is moving on, my friends all caught up in life and other problems...I hated the flowers and cards at the beginning but now there is nothing.

I think back to March 30th, Gary and I in the prayer garden at Mercy. He wheeled me down in a wheel chair, I remember the warmth of the air, the sound of cars rushing by on the other side of the walls. I miss feeling that numb, I want to be in a trance again...this pain is so unbearable sometimes!!

I don't understand how all of this could happen, I want to wake up and be back a year ago. I want to be full of life, full of hope and love...inside I am DEAD, I am falling apart and I wonder why me? Why did I have to lose my Gabriel? Was I not meant to be a mother? I am mad that this is my life! I am missing out on hours and days and months of memories and pictures because my body failed and my beautiful son is now gone! Why? Why?! I'm not ready to be so grown up, I don't want to be strong...I just want to cry my eyes out. I want to lay out at the cemetery for hours on end just to be close to him again. I'm not ready to let him go...I don't want to, it isn't fair! We were so close, so very close to having him in our arms but instead everything fell apart....I am left trying to pick up the pieces....

I'm not ready to be this old, I feel ancient inside. I am only 20 and yet I feel like I have lived a thousand lives! I just want Gabriel back, I would give anything, everything....please fix this....somebody? Make it go away, make this pain go away, bring him home to me...

1 a.m.

The other night I had a meltdown, I miss Gabriel so very much! It was about 1a.m. and we ended up out at the cemetery. It was quiet for the most part, for once I wasn't scared. I was crying so much though, I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I talked to him though, I told him how much I missed him and loved him, a few drops of cold rain fell on my cheeks as I was crying. I wonder, does he miss me too? Does he know how badly I wanted him to stay here with me? We are approaching his 5 month birthday in a couple days, it hurts a lot when I think about it....how has the time slipped away so quickly? Has it truly been that long since I last held him in my arms?

Little Star

Lately I have been taking up praying again, nothing fancy or religion specific, just a few words to God before I fall asleep. I ask him to watch over my family and friends, to keep them safe and protect them. I have even found myself saying thanks for the blessings I do have, even with my built up anger at losing Gabriel it amazes me that a part of me is still alive to be thankful. I always end my prayer with asking God to give Gabriel a big hug and kiss from me and tell him that I love him. My prayer is short, sweet and simple.

I often wonder where I will be with my relationship with God by the end of this first year, I struggle very very much to believe in a heaven...I was never raised to believe in it or not to, I guess it was just expected that I would. I want to imagine Gabriel free though, beautiful and free! I want to think he is waiting for me, watching over me and his family...I want to believe that someday I will see him again. As Gary and I came home from my moms house I looked up at the beautiful early morning sky, it was still so dark and I could see bright stars. There is one star inparticular that I imagine is "Gabriel's Star". It isn't the biggest or the brightest but instead sparkles like a diamond, oh how I love that star!

I have plans to hopefully go see him later today when I wake up, Gary stopped by yesterday before work and surprisingly something we had left out there with him was still there even after the grass had been mowed! Gary was thrilled :)

Heaven

Sometimes when it is late and the house is quiet, I wonder, is there truly a heaven? My mind is so curious about things, but how sad the world would be if there is no heaven. I worry about it a lot, people have told me so many opinions about what they think happens. Anywhere from the hardcore, faithful christian that believes beyond the shadow of a doubt to the atheist who says "what does it matter? You'll be dead anyway!"

It does matter to me, I wish that I could know for certain that I will see Gabriel again, I want to know I can spend the rest of eternity with the ones I love and care about. I don't want to be scared of dieing and being forgotten about....I envy people who believe with a passion we go somewhere when our tired bodies finally rest. I wish I could be as believing.

Life is so beautiful though: laughter, a cool dive into the pool on a hot summer day, the sun setting over the horizon, a kiss, a hug, love....all of it. I hope there is a place where these things never end, and I hope my son is watching me from there.

Memory Lane

I'm lying in bed right now, it is after four in the morning and I have yet to fall asleep. I am nervous, within the next few hours I will be going with a friend of mine (I met her at our M.E.N.D. support group), to her ultrasound. Suprisingly, I am not jealous that she is pregnant again, I know she has experienced loss and is still grieving for her baby. Sometimes when we get together and hang out we spend a portion of our time talking about how we feel and our stories. She is such an amazing person though, sometimes I think she is the friend that will get me through. We have the same middle name, we are only one day apart on our birthdays...she even likes to hang out with my crazy family sometimes! I hope we are meant to become lifetime friends.

I am nervous though, as the hour approaches. I will be in the same office I was at when Gary and I were told our sweet son no longer had a heartbeat. I want to be there because I know she is terrified, her husband is busy and can't make it...I want to be a great friend. I want her to be able to lean on me just like I hope I can lean on her when I am going through my next pregnancy. Sometimes I just want to hold her and tell her it will be okay, she is so very strong.

My mom tells me to remember it is just a place, she is right and I lay her trying to focus on those words alone. To me it is more than just a place, it is also the office where my fetal medicine doctor was. Those ultrasound rooms hold precious memories of mine, so so many because I was high risk and had to have so many ultrasounds. I remember the first ultrasound where I could really tell there was a "baby" in there, he no longer looked like a little alien or kidney bean. I didn't even know he was a boy yet but he jumped so much that day! I remember my mom, sisters, and Gary with me when we found out he was a boy, it was such a beautiful moment to be with my family as we watched him wiggle his tiny body and move his feet! I remember we went in for a detailed heart scan, Gary could hardly keep his eyes open because the room was so dark and we could hear Gabriel's beautiful heart pounding, thump-thump-thump. I remember watching him grow, seeing him wave at us a couple times even...in those walls I have an entire story, a beautiful love story of two parents falling head over heels in love with their son.

I will try to focus on the good memories today, I will remember the moments we shared not so long ago in those very rooms. He will always be my baby, and if I am lucky, today will be a very special walk down memory lane.

And I Sang

Gary and I went out to see Gabriel today, it was such a beautiful and cloudy day. The weather was just so nice! While we were there I ended up taking a few moments alone with Gabriel and sang to him. I am making a vow to myself to start singing to him again. I also decided for his birthday invitations that I am going to hand make them!! I am so excited about this and can't wait to get started!  I am thinking about starting a card making business in the future maybe, I would love to make handmade cards, I just love arts and crafts.

Busy Mind

It is late, my mind is buzzing and busy when all I want to do is sleep. Every time I close my eyes I am reliving those fearful hours that changed my life. I see the ultrasound screen, the black stillness of my sons lifeless body still cradled in my womb. I hear the gut wrenching silence of the heart beat monitor, the quiet breaths of my doctor, my husband, me. I watch the love of my life fall to pieces, his heart breaking cries, his pleas, his sobs of our sons name...."Gabriel". The rest is a whirlwind until I am holding him, gazing for the first time at my baby. His small nose, his breathless mouth, his closed eyes. Inside I am screaming but no words can fall from my mouth as I just look at him in awe, wonder, pain. I try not to go back to these moments but how can I not? I was meeting a beautiful piece of my soul.

I remember imagining what it would be like when i first held him, who would he look like? Would Gary beam with pride as he heard the strong cry of our son? Would I cry from joy and happiness when i held his body to my own? So many questions buzzed through my mind in those last few weeks. I remember watching Gary put together Gabriel's crib and dresser, he didn't want any help. I was content to watch him busy with such a joyful project. I remember so much, I sometimes feel like I should write it down in a book for my safe keeping.

Lately my fears have been of not losing weight and forever being infertile. I almost have myself convinced I should buy another burial plot next to Gabriel "just in case". People don't like it when i talk about it happening again but this is my new reality! I would rather embrace the time i have and accept whatever comes...I am far away from acting with such grace but I can hope someday things won't be so messy.

Oh Grief

I am struggling, I am suffering. I am tired of my grief being an inconvenience for most of my friends. I feel forgotten about. I don't know what is right or wrong anymore, I don't know how to ease the pain. I feel like everything is shattered and falling to pieces...I feel like I am falling to pieces. Why is grief so lonely? Why is it so painful? Why is it so angry?

I miss my baby, I ache to hold him and gaze into his eyes. I cry so much and yet am silent and withdrawn from the world too. I don't want to seem like I'm carrying on for nothing, I don't want people to look at me like I'm crazy. I wish they would acknowledge him like i do. I wish I would find flowers placed at his grave, or maybe a handwritten note taped to his plaque saying that someone misses him...they don't even have to leave their name! I want to know he has impacted somebody, that someone loves him and truly misses him as much as i do.

I know most of what I am saying isn't new, I'm trying to process all of this. It seems like I spent nine months preparing for this beautiful future and now I don't know how long it will take to come to terms with his death. My psychologist has sent me to my doctor on Monday to get something, maybe this will help?

*image from Google

?

My world has fallen apart. I look in the mirror and ask,"who are you?" There is no answer, there never is. Just silent gazing. Andrea, my name, means brave, strong, manly. I think about it for a moment, I do not look brave just hardened, rough, maybe even terrified deep down. I do not look strong, if anything I feel vulnerable, broken, forced into something horrible. I do not look manly and certainly do not feel it after pushing an eleven pound baby out of me...so who am I? A mother, I know this much, but it seems to be it. What do I ache for? The strength to survive. I don't know if I will, I am taking it one step at a time, living second by second. They don't get me anymore and I don't understand them either, how does one treat their child like that? I had knots in my stomach and shaking hands just being near that house again. I don't want to lose them but maybe it is destiny, maybe it is time to let them go so I can be around an encouraging environment. He demanded that I apologize to his wife but no, this will not happen. I can not forget a rather public screaming match in his front yard in April of 2011, a moment where my own father told me to go die...maybe i should have...then I wouldn't be dealing with this mess.

*image from Google

Lost

I am lost, I am truly and completely lost. I no longer have an identity. My name is Andrea, that is all I know anymore. I am at a point of deep loss, there are days it takes all my energy to get out of bed just to sit on the couch. The dishes pile up sometimes, what is the point? I collapse into an utter mess when showering and just cry and cry. I feel anxious when people don't answer the phone, a certain amount of panic sets in when my husband leaves the house. I am bipolar it would seem, one minute laughing uncontrollably, the next minute sobbing until my lungs hurt and a minute latter I am in a screaming violent rage of emotions. It is chaos, it is raw pain. I'm told by more than one person I am showing signs of post partum depression. I'll be honest, I am not allowed to be left alone right now by my doctors orders until my appointment on Monday. I feel very vulnerable, weak even....people tell me I am so strong, that i am a stronger person than they could be but i am so tired of being strong...I am so fed up with trying to be the girl I was. I miss her though, I miss laughing genuinely. I miss looking in the mirror, did you know I can't anymore? That woman, she looks like me but her eyes are cold, they are hardened. I am losing friends, I am losing myself...who am I? I don't know what defines me, and when people try to tell me who they think I am all i hear is the girl I used to be. Maybe she is still here, floating around aimlessly, searching even....but i am not sure. I have to reshape myself...all i know is I have a son who is gone, a son who will not look into my eyes in this life time. I'm so tired of hearing that God has a plan, I am sick of religion and its sick way of teaching people to be content with not understanding things. I will never turn back to catholicism, from this day forward I claim no religion. My God is a God who knows my hearts desires, who knows my pain, who doesn't require me to be in a church to feel his presence. My God does not want me to follow a religion that tells me that doing their traditions or their practices is the only way. My God wants me to worship him by giving back to my peers, by showing kindness to those around me, by honoring him by the Golden Rule. My God does not want me to boast my prayers but to utter them quietly. Religion is flawed because it was created by man, I follow God not priests or preachers or bishops or clergy...

Blankets

It seems like I have a few blankets I have kept since Gabriel's passing. I have one Gary and I made him (with tigger and pooh), we have a blue knit one he was wrapped in at the hospital, and we had a really soft blue one with tigger on it that we buried him with. Tonight I was cleaning out a bucket of clothes to put in our new dresser when I found the first blanket I ever bought him. I kinda forgot about it since everything happened, it is one with small baby elephants on it. I loved the idea of doing baby elephants in his nursery when we first found out he was going to be a boy but soon the theme switched to monkeys. I cried when i saw this blanket though, remembering how I stood in Babies-R-Us in awe of all the adorable baby items for sale. It seems so long ago now, I sometimes wish I could go back in time and be a fly on the wall just watching my old self. I hope my baby remembers me that way, full of love and laughter.