When the world is sleeping...

I lay in bed tonight, my mind is heavy with thoughts and I feel covered by a heavy blanket of sadness. I still feel like a failure, where did I go wrong and why did my baby have to die? What did I DO to DESERVE this?! It feels like the world is moving on, my friends all caught up in life and other problems...I hated the flowers and cards at the beginning but now there is nothing.

I think back to March 30th, Gary and I in the prayer garden at Mercy. He wheeled me down in a wheel chair, I remember the warmth of the air, the sound of cars rushing by on the other side of the walls. I miss feeling that numb, I want to be in a trance again...this pain is so unbearable sometimes!!

I don't understand how all of this could happen, I want to wake up and be back a year ago. I want to be full of life, full of hope and love...inside I am DEAD, I am falling apart and I wonder why me? Why did I have to lose my Gabriel? Was I not meant to be a mother? I am mad that this is my life! I am missing out on hours and days and months of memories and pictures because my body failed and my beautiful son is now gone! Why? Why?! I'm not ready to be so grown up, I don't want to be strong...I just want to cry my eyes out. I want to lay out at the cemetery for hours on end just to be close to him again. I'm not ready to let him go...I don't want to, it isn't fair! We were so close, so very close to having him in our arms but instead everything fell apart....I am left trying to pick up the pieces....

I'm not ready to be this old, I feel ancient inside. I am only 20 and yet I feel like I have lived a thousand lives! I just want Gabriel back, I would give anything, everything....please fix this....somebody? Make it go away, make this pain go away, bring him home to me...