?

My world has fallen apart. I look in the mirror and ask,"who are you?" There is no answer, there never is. Just silent gazing. Andrea, my name, means brave, strong, manly. I think about it for a moment, I do not look brave just hardened, rough, maybe even terrified deep down. I do not look strong, if anything I feel vulnerable, broken, forced into something horrible. I do not look manly and certainly do not feel it after pushing an eleven pound baby out of me...so who am I? A mother, I know this much, but it seems to be it. What do I ache for? The strength to survive. I don't know if I will, I am taking it one step at a time, living second by second. They don't get me anymore and I don't understand them either, how does one treat their child like that? I had knots in my stomach and shaking hands just being near that house again. I don't want to lose them but maybe it is destiny, maybe it is time to let them go so I can be around an encouraging environment. He demanded that I apologize to his wife but no, this will not happen. I can not forget a rather public screaming match in his front yard in April of 2011, a moment where my own father told me to go die...maybe i should have...then I wouldn't be dealing with this mess.

*image from Google