It is late, my mind is buzzing and busy when all I want to do is sleep. Every time I close my eyes I am reliving those fearful hours that changed my life. I see the ultrasound screen, the black stillness of my sons lifeless body still cradled in my womb. I hear the gut wrenching silence of the heart beat monitor, the quiet breaths of my doctor, my husband, me. I watch the love of my life fall to pieces, his heart breaking cries, his pleas, his sobs of our sons name...."Gabriel". The rest is a whirlwind until I am holding him, gazing for the first time at my baby. His small nose, his breathless mouth, his closed eyes. Inside I am screaming but no words can fall from my mouth as I just look at him in awe, wonder, pain. I try not to go back to these moments but how can I not? I was meeting a beautiful piece of my soul.
I remember imagining what it would be like when i first held him, who would he look like? Would Gary beam with pride as he heard the strong cry of our son? Would I cry from joy and happiness when i held his body to my own? So many questions buzzed through my mind in those last few weeks. I remember watching Gary put together Gabriel's crib and dresser, he didn't want any help. I was content to watch him busy with such a joyful project. I remember so much, I sometimes feel like I should write it down in a book for my safe keeping.
Lately my fears have been of not losing weight and forever being infertile. I almost have myself convinced I should buy another burial plot next to Gabriel "just in case". People don't like it when i talk about it happening again but this is my new reality! I would rather embrace the time i have and accept whatever comes...I am far away from acting with such grace but I can hope someday things won't be so messy.
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