Memory Lane

I'm lying in bed right now, it is after four in the morning and I have yet to fall asleep. I am nervous, within the next few hours I will be going with a friend of mine (I met her at our M.E.N.D. support group), to her ultrasound. Suprisingly, I am not jealous that she is pregnant again, I know she has experienced loss and is still grieving for her baby. Sometimes when we get together and hang out we spend a portion of our time talking about how we feel and our stories. She is such an amazing person though, sometimes I think she is the friend that will get me through. We have the same middle name, we are only one day apart on our birthdays...she even likes to hang out with my crazy family sometimes! I hope we are meant to become lifetime friends.

I am nervous though, as the hour approaches. I will be in the same office I was at when Gary and I were told our sweet son no longer had a heartbeat. I want to be there because I know she is terrified, her husband is busy and can't make it...I want to be a great friend. I want her to be able to lean on me just like I hope I can lean on her when I am going through my next pregnancy. Sometimes I just want to hold her and tell her it will be okay, she is so very strong.

My mom tells me to remember it is just a place, she is right and I lay her trying to focus on those words alone. To me it is more than just a place, it is also the office where my fetal medicine doctor was. Those ultrasound rooms hold precious memories of mine, so so many because I was high risk and had to have so many ultrasounds. I remember the first ultrasound where I could really tell there was a "baby" in there, he no longer looked like a little alien or kidney bean. I didn't even know he was a boy yet but he jumped so much that day! I remember my mom, sisters, and Gary with me when we found out he was a boy, it was such a beautiful moment to be with my family as we watched him wiggle his tiny body and move his feet! I remember we went in for a detailed heart scan, Gary could hardly keep his eyes open because the room was so dark and we could hear Gabriel's beautiful heart pounding, thump-thump-thump. I remember watching him grow, seeing him wave at us a couple times even...in those walls I have an entire story, a beautiful love story of two parents falling head over heels in love with their son.

I will try to focus on the good memories today, I will remember the moments we shared not so long ago in those very rooms. He will always be my baby, and if I am lucky, today will be a very special walk down memory lane.