Lost

I am lost, I am truly and completely lost. I no longer have an identity. My name is Andrea, that is all I know anymore. I am at a point of deep loss, there are days it takes all my energy to get out of bed just to sit on the couch. The dishes pile up sometimes, what is the point? I collapse into an utter mess when showering and just cry and cry. I feel anxious when people don't answer the phone, a certain amount of panic sets in when my husband leaves the house. I am bipolar it would seem, one minute laughing uncontrollably, the next minute sobbing until my lungs hurt and a minute latter I am in a screaming violent rage of emotions. It is chaos, it is raw pain. I'm told by more than one person I am showing signs of post partum depression. I'll be honest, I am not allowed to be left alone right now by my doctors orders until my appointment on Monday. I feel very vulnerable, weak even....people tell me I am so strong, that i am a stronger person than they could be but i am so tired of being strong...I am so fed up with trying to be the girl I was. I miss her though, I miss laughing genuinely. I miss looking in the mirror, did you know I can't anymore? That woman, she looks like me but her eyes are cold, they are hardened. I am losing friends, I am losing myself...who am I? I don't know what defines me, and when people try to tell me who they think I am all i hear is the girl I used to be. Maybe she is still here, floating around aimlessly, searching even....but i am not sure. I have to reshape myself...all i know is I have a son who is gone, a son who will not look into my eyes in this life time. I'm so tired of hearing that God has a plan, I am sick of religion and its sick way of teaching people to be content with not understanding things. I will never turn back to catholicism, from this day forward I claim no religion. My God is a God who knows my hearts desires, who knows my pain, who doesn't require me to be in a church to feel his presence. My God does not want me to follow a religion that tells me that doing their traditions or their practices is the only way. My God wants me to worship him by giving back to my peers, by showing kindness to those around me, by honoring him by the Golden Rule. My God does not want me to boast my prayers but to utter them quietly. Religion is flawed because it was created by man, I follow God not priests or preachers or bishops or clergy...