9 Month Angelversary

Saturday was Gabriels nine month birthday. I was already so happy because my good friend Tabitha was in town to come out with us. After waiting around for her husband to get back from the bank and grabbing some lunch, we headed out to the cemetery. We pulled up and sitting there was my dads car, my moms car and a good family friends, Joye. My mouth dropped open in disbelief and shock, was this really happening? Gary turned to me and asked me if I had told anyone else about today, the only person I could think of was my mom. Turns out Tabitha had arranged for everyone that could to come out and show me just how much support I had! My mom and Clyde brought balloons, my sister Jaclyn made cupcakes and my other sister Samantha brought cookies, both of them brought a flower. My dad, stepmother and brother bought out a pretty ornament basket. Joye brought me a beautiful ceramic angel pot for me to put a small plant in and her children Audree and Wyatt brought me a blue teddy bear. I grabbed Tabitha in a huge hug and told her how amazing of a friend she is. I thanked her husband Sab too. Despite the small amount of snow on the ground I laid down over Gabriel and told him how much he was loved. I even cried because of the amount of love in the air! It was such a blessing and to realize just how many people still care and love my Gabriel is probably the best gift I have received in my life. It was magical!

Christmas

Christmas was full of love, family, friends and amazing food...but even amongst the happiness, my heart was heavy and full.
In the morning Gary and I opened our presents at home, I bought him a few Star Wars things he wanted and he gave me things that I had seen while we were out that he remembered me saying I liked. Telling him anything I wanted was extremely difficult this year! When faced with the task of making a small list of things I would like, I broke down in tears. Everything I could think of had to do with something to memorialize Gabriel or the standard necessities like body wash and shampoo. I thought I had been doing okay, but in that moment I truly realized just how much of myself has been lost. I thought I was figuring out who I was, what I wanted, the type of person I am...but instead I realized it has been months since I have bought anything for myself that wasn't for Gabriel or a necessity! When I thought back I had spent my allowance on small gifts for angel mommys that are my friends. It truly scared me! So much of myself has been stripped away, I don't know who I even am! Gary still managed though, buying me a coat, a small pill organizer, (both necessities I wanted) and a beautiful angel figurine I fell in love with because it reminded me of my grief journey so far.
I spent the morning with my mom, her boyfriend and my sisters. We had a yummy breakfast, opened gifts, had some family friends over and ate an absolutely amazing ham dinner! During that time my good friend Tabitha called and asked if Gary and I would be able to spend some Christmas time with her. We agreed of course. Tabitha and I were very close during our pregnancies with our boys, when she moved away to Ohio I was crushed but we have still managed to remain close friends. On the way over to see her my stomach was full of butterflies, this was going to be my first time meeting her son. I thought about canceling, about staying for five minutes only...every excuse was running through my mind all because I was terrified to see what I was missing in my life. I'm thankful I didn't cancel.
Her son is adorable, full of smiles and laughs. Again, I can't get enough of him! I get to visit with my amazing friend who is more like a sister and her kind husband. Plus they are staying with her brother who is also a mutual friend of ours, it has been great seeing all of them! We even spent yesterday together. Gabriel is heavy on my Lind, but having an adorable little boy that I can hold close in my arms is once again proving to be a comfort to my heart.

Christmas Eve

This holiday season Gary and I decided that in memory of Gabriel we would pick out two children to buy gifts for off the tree at Walmart. We chose a four month old baby boy and a nine month old baby boy (since this month will be Gabriels nine month angelversary). I was so happy we could do this for babies to help make their Christmas even a tiny bit better!

Yesterday was a pretty rough day though, I sat at home and ate snack after snack trying to fill a void in myself. It was the first time in months that I considered suicide again, I didn't dwell on it but the thought popped up quite a bit. In the evening I cried in Garys arms, I screamed into my pillow...the overwhelming sense of emptyness eased with my cries. I didn't get a chance to have a repeat of yesterday thankfully. Gary decided he would text my mom and have her come get me shortly after he went to work. I finished wrapping presents and sat around the house with my mom, her boyfriend and one of my sisters.

In the afternoon I got a call from my dad, he asked if he could come pick me up to see Gabriels tree at the cemetery. My little brother had an amazing idea while he was helping cut a Christmas tree up at my grandparents, he wanted to get one for baby Gabe! My dad, stepmom, and brother took it out to the cemetery where they added garland, tiny ornaments and a bow on the top. My heart just melted as I saw the tree and quickly grabbed Max for a big bear squeeze.
"Your my favorite brother!"
"Im your ONLY brother!"

Tomorrow will be bitter sweet but as always I am vowing to take it one breath at a time.

A Gimlin Christmas

Sunday was our Gimlin family get together, it was also the day that Gabriel has been gone for 38 weeks which means he has been gone as long as he was alive. My nephew, Rylin, had his baptism too. I didn't attend that though. We spent the day at Garys parents apartment, his grandparents are in town and so is his older brother with his family. Everyone was there, and for the most part it was an amazing time filled with quality bonding and love. Only one time did the reality set in about Gabriel, it took a lot of strength to not cry and ruin my make up. Instead I focused on Rylin, I held him and kissed his head, I breathed in his baby scent and though I knew what I was missing having him in my arms was a comfort. I spent time with my adorable nephew Daniel and niece Cadence too. I'm sad they have left back home this week, I just can't seem to get enough of them.
With the morning of Christmas getting closer I am finding it harder to focus. For days I sit at home in the shirt I wore to the hospital that day so many months ago. I wonder how different life would be if Gabriel was here, all dreams that slipped away. I don't know if I want to do anything for Christmas, it is beyond tempting to cover my head under a pillow and hide from the world in all its happiness. How do you plan on facing this holiday season?

M.E.N.D. Christmas Candlelight Ceremony

Last night was the third annual M.E.N.D. Christmas Candlelight Ceremony. It was my first experience with anything like this. The church was decorated beautifully, as we walked through the door we were given a candle, a program, and a beautiful handmade ornament. Gary and I quickly found a seat and before long the ceremony started. Our Chapter leader, Heather, opened the ceremony with a few quick words and the pastor of the church said a prayer. Next was the lighting of the M.E.N.D. candles, four of our committee members stood and one lit a candle for babies lost to miscarriage, the next was lit for babies lost to stillbirth, the next for babies lost shortly after birth and the last was left unlit for the families of lost babies that will join us in 2013. My heart ached at the thought that as years go by more families will join us, I wished in that moment that the women, and men, that will join us didn't have to. I wished they wouldn't know this pain, that somehow 2013 would bring not a single loss and every child conceived would come home with their parents. I thought back to last year around this time, I was still so happy and my pregnancy was showing. Gabriel was kicking and growing beautifully...last year that candle was left unlit for me, and I had no idea. The next part of the ceremony was Heathers husband giving an inspirational speech about finding hope during the Christmas season, followed by a beautiful song called "The Anchor Holds" performed by a man with such an amazing voice. Now it was time. I watched as each family took a turn at the front of the church. They would light their candle from the big one that was lit at the beginning of the ceremony and say into a microphone who that candle was lit in memory of. I watched tears fall, I heard voices full of pain, I saw people who composed themselves long enough to sit down and pull out the tissues. When our turn came I let Gary introduce our son. I was okay, I was doing good until I sat down in my seat and stared at my lit candle. It hit me, the tears fell as I realized this candle was lit in memory of my son. The same son I had planned on having a lifetime of memories with, not just a handful. With tears still falling we stood to sing silent night as a congregation. I cried even harder when around me the words "sleep in heavenly peace" were sang, I wasn't expecting that sort of reaction to a song about birth. The ending was a prayer and we all made our way over to a gathering hall for drinks and cake. I got to catch up with a beautiful and wonderful woman that lost her precious daughter three years ago. Later in the evening as I laid wrapped up in Garys arms I cried again. It was such a beautiful ceremony, a beautiful way to honor my Gabriel.

Holiday Time

It has been a very interesting and busy time these last few days. So far I think I have been handling the holiday season well, I am even buying Christmas gifts with my husband! On Friday I spent the day with my mother in law and Garys grandparents that are in town. I also got to see my nephew Daniel, my niece Cadence and the most recent addition to the family, my nephew Rylan. To say the least I was scared and nervous about meeting this tiny baby boy, how would I react? After an evening of prayer on Thursday night I felt confident and ready by the time my sister in law dropped the kids off at Garys parents place on Friday evening. I became entranced with baby Rylan, his tiny fingers and calm sighs of content. I didn't ever want him to leave my arms! I fed him and changed him and every second he wasn't in my arms I would gaze longingly at him. The hours flew by so fast and before long Gary was off work and ready to head home. As we were saying our farewells my nephew Daniel came up to me, patted my tummy and said with a grin "Your baby is in here."
You could have heard a pin drop in the room, it was like the air was full of one huge breath in. I quickly recovered from the shock and told him that no, I didn't have a baby but he was right that babies did grow in tummys. What else are you supposed to say to a three year old?
Saturday we went to my sister in law, Alyssas, confirmation. In a room full of singing, of prayer, of bible readings I did not feel any feelings I once had. I used to believe in the catholic faith, I used to love feeling the peace that came from church but now I couldnt. I know God is working in me, but maybe it truly is a time to step back from religion and focus on just God and me, God in nature, God in my bible, God that hears my bedroom prayers.
After mass Gary and I went to the Skinny Improv with my dad, Crissy, my sister and little brother. It was great for the most part, a few details about death could have been left out of the skit but I didn't write it of course. Still a wonderful time though. We went shopping for Gabriels tree afterwards and on our way to the store hot, sticky tears ran down my face. Reality came knocking and instead of gently pushing the door open it barged in with a loud scream for attention. I couldn't believe that Gabriel wasn't here, that instead of buying Christmas gifts for my son I was buying decorations for his grave. Gary held my hand as we drove, listening to my every complaint, every sentence of how unfair it was, he listened to it all and gave me comfort, love, support.
Tonight we sit here decorating Gabriels tree after a Hanukkah dinner at my dads. It felt so much like a piece of me was missing. And again, as Gary and I walked around the store looking for Christmas gifts I cried into his comforting arms.

Rambling Away

Last night I slept with my bedroom window open, it was raining so softly. Occasionally there would be a low growl of thunder but even that was relaxing to fall asleep to. I am trying to find where I fit in anymore, I feel like an odd puzzle piece that slipped into the wrong box. I find myself frequently day dreaming about how I pictured life going instead of how it really is. Even after eight months I find myself thinking that Gabriel is just somewhere else, maybe still at the hospital even. It amazes me how my heart seems to cling on to some form of hope he isn't gone. I am constantly battling between reality and fantasy. Sometimes I wish there was an easier way to handle grief, just skip all the emotional baggage and tears....but then how would we express the love we have for our angels? Most days it is still a daze, as I've said before, I look at the pictures and I am in awe at the strong woman in them. She seems so broken and yet balanced with a peace and calm almost. I still don't stare into the mirror, if I gaze for to long I am hypnotized by the woman in front of me. I don't hardly recognize myself! It is so hard to remember the good times, the happy memories I have when I planned to have so many more. I see the pictures of "baby first christmas" ornaments on Facebook and my heart aches a little more each time. I watch strollers with adorable babies inside of them and wonder what if? (What if is a very dangerous place) All around me life is carrying on, gifts are being bought, trees and lights and music...it is all so lively and yet I feel dead inside. For once I am quite content to shut the windows, turn off the lights and hibernate through the holidays, maybe even until spring. I've always loved this time of you, everyone is so happy and giving...but this year, I'm not ready to be happy. I'm not ready to remember the good when all I can think is that last year Gabriel was alive inside me...I had plans! And I am grieving the loss of those dreams and hopes...why can't people understand that?

8 Months

Yesterday was Gabriels 8 month angelversary, as always it was a bitter sweet day. I took it really hard, I cried a lot more than I have been. It hit me just how much I am missing. I have friends who post about little ones that were born around the time Gabriel was, their babies are starting to talk and crawl and even stand! I do not hold a grudge against anyone nor am I envious or jealous of their posts...some days it hits so hard though. For a while I felt like I was doing good, I felt like I was taking my first steps forward...but now I feel like I am slipping into a hole, the light is only fading and I am becoming less and less hopeful. I am lost. I feel like yet again I am merely surviving...what I am doing right now is not living. I don't want to forget him, but I wish I could just forget it all for even a few months. I wish I didn't have to feel the pain, I wish I could just wake up and find out I was stuck in a horrible coma and this was all a dream. I want the pain to go away, it isn't fair that Gabriel had to die! I want so badly to change the outcome, even though deep down I know I can't. This heart ache, this dizzying spiral of despair, is cruel and inhumane. How can I just accept this and go on? It is so surreal, and now that Gary and I are falling back into life as a couple instead of a family, it makes it seem more and more unlikely that Gabriel existed. Why does the human mind do this? Why can't I accept this? I don't know if this is normal, I know everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time...but why can't I accept this?

Six Years

Today Gary and I spent the day running errands, trying to find our own car, and being out of the house. As of today it has been six years since we first started dating, it is still hard to believe how fast time flies by! I've noticed that most days it still feels surreal that Gabriel even existed, or that he is gone. I look at pictures and it feels like a dream, I find myself wondering if it is really us in those pictures. I am finding that I don't feel like I fit anywhere, I don't blend in well with all the mothers my age and it seems that less and less I fit in with the M.E.N.D. friends I have. The women I mostly see outside of the support group had early miscarriages, a very different loss than my own. No matter what, we have all lost a beautiful life that was wanted and is loved...but each loss has its own obstacles we have to overcome. I wish I had more people that suffered stillbirths to turn to, they understand what it is like to face the struggles Gary and I do. I thought I had a really good friend, but it turns out that may not be the case...despite my efforts to be a supportive and good friend it just wasn't enough. It seems like I've done nothing right, instead offended her non stop. If anything I am ready for 2012 to be over, it has been the worst year of my life to date...and though sprinkled with blessings there has been so much negative I am wanting to move forward.

Thanksgiving

It would seem to me that I have survived the first holiday yet without my precious Gabriel. This year I was quite content to be in a quiet atmosphere, it was only me, my mom, Clyde, and Gary. Since I had stayed up the night before I was extremely exhausted, but in the morning I witnessed a beautiful sunrise. I took it as a sign from Gabriel, a marvelous painting in the sky to let me know he was with me. I thought everything would be okay, I knew I could be strong and I was determined to be strong....that didn't last long. Less than an hour after watching the sunrise it all sank in, there would be no house to house shuffle with the baby, no giggles of laughter, no sleeping drool on Daddys shirt. In an instant the tears began to fall, big wet tears. I felt vulnerable, devastated even and my heart ached with pain like those first moments I found out he was gone. I almost cancelled going to my moms, all I wanted was to crawl under the blankets and escape the world.
I ended up dozing off and on at my moms house, it was so peaceful. We ate amazing and delicious food and for once I didn't gorge myself. When Gary and I finally came home I was more than ready to spend the night sleeping away reality. I miss my Gabriel so much, I love him more than I thought I could ever love another person...

By Candlelight

Last night something came over me, a feeling moving in my soul. It was 3 a.m. and I lit a candle, quietly walking into the living room and asking Gary to turn of his 360. As he was finishing up his game I set the candle in the middle of the living room floor, turned off the lights and sat indian style on one side of the candle. Gary sat next to me at first but I kindly asked him to sit across from me. When he did I held both his hands, one on either side of the candle. "We haven't done this in a while..." I whispered. He nodded his head in agreement. "I think you should start it." "But Gary, you always start this off for us..." "There is a first time for everything."
For a while I sat there, I kept asking him to start and repeating that I didn't know what to say. He waited patiently, I closed my eyes and the tears were falling before I even spoke my first word. I went to God with my anger, I cried as I confessed my pain and hurt to him. What shocked me the most was when I finally got a glimpse of the anger that Gary so strongly feels in his heart. I won't share details about what was said but as we prayed I felt like I was being held, like a weight was rising from my chest. We ended it with telling Gabriel how much we loved him and missed him. I don't expect to do this every night, maybe Gary will surprise me and initiate our prayer circle again tonight...but I don't plan on forcing the matter. This is just one step, maybe a step in the right direction but only time will tell.

Grief Work

It has been a few days since I have been able to post, my blood sugar levels have been extremely out of control leaving me weak and sick. Today I am feeling better and after a visit to my doctor I am focused on changing my life style to better suit my health. I can't continue with my 30 days of thanks like I originally anticipated, I have been a little more of an emotional wreck than I thought I would be. As the days get closer to Thanksgiving it is taking a toll in my grief. The last few nights I have been crying for Gabriel, I can't imagine the fact that I should have a little boy here learning how to crawl and starting to talk. It is really hard.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 11

Day 11: November 11,2012

I am thankful for the yummy taste of hot chocolate! One of my favorite parts about it getting colder is that hot chocolate, hot twa, and warm coffee always hit the perfect spot! I am a little worried about this holiday season but I am hoping to take it one breath at a time. I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner at my moms house though! My mouth is watering when I start to think of all my favorite comfort foods, I think that will be a day where I wear my comfiest pajamas over too! I also cant wait for the first snow, I am a little apprehensive now that I cant keep baby Gabriel "warm" in a sense but watching quiet snow fall during the night can be very soothing!

30 Days of Thanks-Day 10

Day 10: November 10,2012

I am thankful for a woman who loves me like I was her own, my mother in law. We had an amazing conversation, about Gabriel, about God, about grief...I dont know if we have ever had such a nice conversation without me getting defensive. She has helped me so much though through the last few years. When Gary and I couldnt afford our own place, his parents let us stay with then rent free for longer than we should have ever stayed. When we were in the hospital after finding out Gabriel had passed away his dad immediately told us not to worry abiut anything, he would take care of it. They planned almost the entire service, his casket, and the plot where Gabriel now rests...I dont know what I would have donw without them. They have given us so much, I dont know where I would be in life without their guidance. I dont have a picture of his dad right now but the picture is of his sister and mom.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 9

Day 9: November 9,2012

Today I am thankful for my husbands day off. For some reason today was so difficult on me, I was missing Gabriel beyond belief and my heart was aching. I was looking through his memory box and about burst into tears, I couldn't believe that everything that happened is real. I felt incomplete.
We ended up stopping by Garys parents house, they had people there to help clean things from the fire. Two of the women who were helping commented on my memorial tattoo. They said they really liked it and that it was beautiful! Then Garys dad said,"That was the first tragedy of the year, he didn't survive." And Garys mom said to the women,"Yea, that's one of our grandbabys". Just hearing them mention him almost brought tears to my eyes. A lot of times I worry that my family is moving on and forgetting Gabriel, so to hear them talk about him even a little was wonderful.
We then spent time out at the cemetery laying with our baby. I sang to him again and the weather was beautiful. I wish I could spend every day out there with Gabriel, it is always so peaceful. Overall it ended up being an okay day, I survived one breath at a time and now I hope for a better tomorrow.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 8

Day 8: November 8,2012

I am thankful for the memory box I recieved after we lost Gabriel. The original items inside were a blue knitted hat and booties, a dress gown, another knit hat that  
we have pictures of Gabriel in and a blue knit blanket he was wrapped in. I have kept some of the items in there but filled it with my own memories too. I have his ultrasounds, letters Gary and I had written when we first found out we were pregnant, and numerous other items. I am thankful to have this box and to the people that crafted these items for bereaved parents.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 7

Day 7: November 7,2012

I am thankful for my feet! I love how Gabriel has my little toes. Without my feet I wouldn't be able to feel mud squishing between my toes, I wouldn't feel the soft grass in the summer, I wouldn't feel the cool crisp puddles of rain when I am dancing in a storm!

I am also thankful for the amount of page views my blog has had since I started it Mothers Day morning. I now have over 1,000 views! Thank you, without knowing that someone is reading about my grief journey then I might not have continued to blog.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 6

Day 6:November 6,2012

I am thankful that I have the freedom and right to vote in our country. Some places aren't nearly as lucky as Americans are when it comes to political leaders.
While I was waiting for my mom to get done voting, she had dropped me off at the cemetery to be with Gabriel. I laid with him, the breeze felt absolutely wonderful and birds were chirpping and flying all around. I even took out my phone and turned on music from his playlist and sang to him. I miss him so very, very much.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 5

Day 5: November 5,2012

I am thankful for my education. I am so thankful to the people who continued to push me to graduate and not just settle for my G.E.D. Being able to graduate was

My Mom and I at my graduation

an amazing feeling, standing in front of hundreds of people and showing them that yes I did it! I made it! In that moment I felt on top of the world, I felt invincible and I was absolutely proud that I was a graduate. I know how to read, I know how to add, subtract, divide and multiply. Thanks to my amazing english teachers I know how to write amazing poems and short stories.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 4

Day 4: November 4,2012

I am thankful for dreams. On the evening of the third I had adream that I will cherish for the rest of my life!  Gary and I were walking together, we were somewhere peaceful and beautiful. In my heart I knew we were going to see someone, but I couldnt figure it out. Before long we were staring into a tiny crib, two big shinning brown eyes gazed back at us. It was our Gabriel! He was so excited to see us, he had the biggest grin and the most innocent giggle I have ever heard. I remember thinking,"finally, I get to hold you!" I was full of such joy and happiness...it is the first dream I have had since Gabriels passing where he is alive.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 3

Day 3: November 3,2012

Today I feel very blessed to have my husband in my life, some days I don't know where I would be without him! We have been through so much, even with so many people doubting our relationship would last we continue to prove them wrong each day! He is funny, passionate and my very best friend. I know he is an amazing father just by how he was with Gabriel while he was in my tummy, I can't wait to have babies to bring home someday too. We strive to keep open communication and honesty a main ingredient in our marriage...and of course spicy couple time!

30 Days of Thanks-Day 2

Day 2: November 2,2012

I am thankful for my moms dog Sweetie. She was supposed to be a gift for me after I lost Gabriel, but at the time I was living with Garys parents and they didn't want dogs in the house. I used to look at people who were overly fond of animals and think how crazy they were...who let's an animal lick all over their face? Why baby talk an animal? Since my motherly instinct has kicked in though, all that has gone out the window now! Every time I come to my moms house Sweetie comes running to meet me at the door, and when I finally sit down she always has to be up in my lap for a while. She loves when I rub her tummy and scratch behind her ears. She even loves to be held like a baby in my arms! I love her so much and don't know what I would do without her. I am blessed to have this little fuzz ball in my life!

30 Days of Thanks-Day 1

I have decided instead of doing the normal Facebook status with what I am thankful for I will use it as another photography project! I want to spend this month focusing on my blessings every day.

My first day is a little behind but it is a holiday picture Gary and I had done last year for Christmas. This picture holds so much meaning, it used to make my heart ache though. I would be angry with God and ask him, why? Why could I not even spend one Christmas with Gabriel? I would think about how I wanted things to be, I wanted the fussy baby being a pain in the neck as we tried to capture the perfect photo. I wanted pictures of Gabriel in a little Santa hat with a big cheesy grin on his face. I wanted him hone for the holidays. In the beginning I would beg God to bring him home to me, even for a day that was all I needed, all I wanted. When it came to this picture though I heard that people were questioning why I had even put Gabriels name on there to begin with it, to say the least it stung to hear people so unsupportive. I had struggled a lot with the decision to sign the card baby Gabriel, but it felt right in my heart at the time so I went with it. Looking back I am so thankful! God knew I would need this! The other day I was staring at this photo and started to cry, but instead of tears of heart ache they were tears of joy, I will always have at least a single family portrait from one of my favorite holiday season. My Gabriel was alive in that picture, he knew love and my voice, he knew songs I sung and his daddys voice. I am thankful and blessed to forever have this picture.

Capture Your Grief, Day Thirty One

Day 31: Sunset
October 31,2012

I can't even believe this project is already over! I captured an absolutely beautiful sunset with none other than my amazing husband and son. We lit up his pumpkins again for Halloween, most of the day I have been sleeping but when I was awake I couldn't stop dwelling on everything. It hurt to see all the Facebook pictures of mommy's and daddy's with their little ones all dressed up, I could only image what Star Wars character Gary would have put on Gabriel. 7 months is really hitting me though, it hurts to breathe anymore. How? Why? Questions that have no answers. I am finding more peace with God but this burden of pain and heart ache is only seeming to intensify. I wish I could see his smile! I wish I could have just one dream where he is alive, but he never is alive in my dreams. I hope to see a psychic medium soon, I want to see what she has to say and maybe I can get some peace of mind! It amazes me how much love is trapped in my heart for Gabriel, I barely got any time with him after he was born but despite the shock and hurt I managed to open my heart in a way I can't even describe. I didn't get to hear him cry but the moment I saw him he was my everything, he is beautiful. I wish so badly I could have spent a lifetime with him, instead I got 38.5 weeks with him, and in that time he changed me. He fulfilled a purpose that he was sent to, I am still trying to figure it out but tonight Clyde may have pointed me in just the direction I need. It accomplishes all I have been asking for, a way to memorialize him and help others. Please God, give me a sign that this is your purpose for me. You have blessed me with a beautiful life surrounded by people that love me ans care for me. Everything you do is divine, thank you for the strength you give me daily, to keep going despite my narrow sighted vision.

Capture Your Grief, Day Thirty

Day 30: Your Grief-Tell the World
October 30,2012

We are now 7 months into our grief journey, not all days are bad but I do still have quite a few. Let's face it, losing your beautiful baby is horrible! There are so many struggles to overcome and it alters your life forever. Suddenly you have to adapt to a future that no one can ever prepare for or imagine. You have to be strong, no amount of tears or prayers will bring your baby back....you have to face a lot of realities in a country that seems to have a problem with allowing people to grieve healthily. It is tough, it is unfair and no two grief journeys are the same...and honestly, unless someone has been through this they most times have Jo idea what they are talking about with their advice. Some people do though, and you will learn the differences in each person. My advice is to get involved in a support group or a grief counselor, it can be amazing to have these resources.

Today has been an overall crazy day. My inlaws house caught on fire, luckily all the family members were okay except for the cat that died in the fire. The inside of the house is destroyed to say the least, tons of smoke damage. All the walls are black too...

We went out to the cemetery, there were a ton of birds flying around. It was absolutely beautiful and breath taking. I felt such a joy watching them soar in the sky, diving and turning in mass patterns...it was amazing.

Capture Your Grief, Day Twenty Nine

Day 29: Music
October 29,2012

I have so many songs in a playlist on my phone labeled Baby Gabriel. I am always scouring the internet for special gems that speak to me, I love sharing these songs with other people too.

Today marks Gabriels 7 month angel birthday, it has been a nice day having Gary home with me. We finished carving pumpkins and got everything ready to see him, we didn't even leave the house! It was absolutely relaxing and needed. I miss Gabriel very much, I still can't believe we are already more than half way through the year....I guess in my grief I am really struggling with the fact that time keeps moving forward....I don't like it. I felt so special though because tonight is a full moon and as we sat at the cemetery I got to watch it rise up big and beautiful.