Six Months

Another month has come and gone, and to say the least I am shocked it has already been six months!

We went out to the cemetery today, like we do every birthday. We had made homemade things for him this time, so it was nice. When we got there though we couldn't immediately get out of the car, this time felt so very different for me. Gary came around at some point and we collected out gifts from the trunk. Suddenly my feet felt like they were made of lead, I stood there just staring at his tiny grave in the distance. I was filled with a mixture of anger and great sadness, I felt cheated and robbed of my youth and happiness. Gary held out his hand though and I wrapped my fingers around his, with every step I could feel my heart racing and the cold icey hand of grief was slicing its way into my heart. We laid a blanket out next to him, set up his gifts and just laid there next to him. Gary opened his Star Wars book and read to Gabriel, just like he used to when he was in my womb. I played music from my "Gabriel" playlist on my phone. I don't know how long we laid there but in my heart I was praying that maybe some other family members would show up, maybe he would get flowers today since it has been half a year. I watched car after car drive by, no one came. I know I can't expect people to read my mind or to know what I want unless I tell them but I want to hope and believe that one day I will be surprised by a beautiful something left out with him.

Now I am in bed, I feel empty and hollow. I can't believe that this is my life, that I will forever be a mother to an angel. Gabriel won't call me mommy, he won't run into my arms with great big hugs and slobbery kisses, he won't draw me a picture to hang on my fridge proudly, he won't beg me to read him "just one more" bedtime story....I try not to focus on these bitter and painful realizations but sometimes it is just to much. I am missing out on a lifetime of memories! I wish I could have seen his beautiful eyes, I wish I could have heard his tiny cries of life, I wish I could have smelt his new born baby smell....there is so much I wish for and no matter how many stars I wish upon, they can not give me my wish. How does life change so drastically? In the blink of an eye your world can crumble from around you....it is unfair.

Again

Early yesterday morning I had another break down. I was laying in bed and happen to look at a picture of me sleeping with Gabriel on my chest. Out of no where the pain began to crush me, I didn't want to be the girl in that picture. The tears fell hard and heavy, Gary woke again to hold me and all I could think is "I am a mommy, he is a daddy..." I repeated it over and over in my mind, hoping it would stick.

Here we are now, it is almost four in the morning and Gabriel's six month birthday. I am scared of today....actually, I am terrified. I feel so vulnerable, so lost. I keep waiting for the next thing that will send me flying over the edge, it seems like I can never balance it all. Gary works for most of the day, oh how I wish he didn't have to go in!

Again

Early yesterday morning I had another break down. I was laying in bed and happen to look at a picture of me sleeping with Gabriel on my chest. Out of no where the pain began to crush me, I didn't want to be the girl in that picture. The tears fell hard and heavy, Gary woke again to hold me and all I could think is "I am a mommy, he is a daddy..." I repeated it over and over in my mind, hoping it would stick.

Here we are now, it is almost four in the morning and Gabriel's six month birthday. I am scared of today....actually, I am terrified. I feel so vulnerable, so lost. I keep waiting for the next thing that will send me flying over the edge, it seems like I can never balance it all. Gary works for most of the day, oh how I wish he didn't have to go in!

Numb

I can't believe how fast our baby's six month birthday is approaching! 182 days now, how can it be?

Tonight I am painting a few things we are taking out to him on Saturday and Gary is working on something very special.

Lately, it seems like I am right back where I used to be at the very beginning...numb. I get only glimpses into my pain, and when the realization hits it leaves me breathless and aching. More and more I find myself wishing Gary could stay home and just hold me, I miss the people we were! We used to be so happy and full of love. We are still in love with each other but it is becoming more and more apparent that a huge part of us is missing. I try to be strong though, I continue to push through but like I said...I just feel numb.

I have pictures of Gabriel up in our home, I have photo albums and a shelf of momentos. I even sleep with his memory box on my night stand. I have a play list of music dedicated to him, I even made a special garden on the game Minecraft (only because I don't have a real garden yet) Sometimes I still find myself wondering if all of this really happend, or did I dream it all? The pictures are what tell me otherwise.

Breaking

It was early morning, no sleep had come to my restless mind. The sky was turning a dark blue, it reminded me of the ocean. I spent all night looking up new songs for Gabriel's playlist...even listened to ones that I hadn't heard since before he died. I closed my eyes for a moment and with sharp clarity everything came flooding back. A fog was lifted as I remembered the fear of everyone leaving the room and the doctors putting me under so they could get Gabriel out. I watched as Gary walked over to that tiny, clear "crib" they wheeled in. He drew back the blanket they had placed over the top and gently picked up our son, our beautiful son. I watched him take Gabriel to my mom first, and then he was next to me, our heads pressed against each other as we looked down at our baby, tears streaming and the pain was so real.

I shot up in bed, huge tears cascading down my cheeks as I began to shatter. This is happening...this isn't a dream....he is dead. I cried so hard and repeated over and over, "I am tired of this, I want my baby!" I cried for so long and Gary finally woke, trying to pull me back to bed but I fought away. I ran to the bathroom, locked the door behind me and there "she" was. Her eyes were broken, I stared into the mirror and wanted her gone. I found the pills...I dumped them into my palm but the door was flung open. Gary grabbed them from me, put them aside and held me. At that moment I fell into a million pieces, "I'm so tired of this, I don't want to do this anymore." I sobbed into his chest, my heart felt torn open, the pain was raw, it was sharp. "I'm so tired of being strong, I can't do this. I'm so tired of this, it isn't fair."
"I know..." He whispered.

Where?

I don't know her, the woman that stares back at me in the mirror. I don't even know how to start to understand who she is....who I have become. There is just to much, to many thoughts and not enough hours in the day. There isn't enough time. I am existing, I feel cold and lonely inside though. I try to laugh, it feels forced, it feels wrong. I try to not spend every second focused on Gabriel, but he is always on my mind...always. I want to wake up from this nightmare, I want my baby back! He isn't coming back though...and that alone is to much pain to comprehend.

Inside I feel ancient, like I've lived a thousand lives or more. I try to dig deep in my heart to find the young and naive girl I once was...but I can't find her. I don't know what to do anymore....this world, this life....there is just so much that can go wrong. It is cruel for a baby to never be able to take his first breath, it is twisted when there are coffins so very tiny you would think they could be shoe boxes. I want to hold him again, I want to feel alive again....what I am doing right now is surviving, but even so, I am drowning.

A Day of Tears

Here we are again, a silent night full of tears and heart ache.

Today started off as a horrible morning, I woke from a nightmare in which Gary died. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I replayed over every vivid detail. I remembered being full of pain, people telling me to be happy because he was reunited in heaven with Gabriel. I was completely shattered when I realized that not only Gabriel's future was over but Gary and I would never have anymore children either.

Shortly afterwards we went to a friends house to help them with a remodel home they are working on. I felt sluggish and very distant. Every few moments I would have Gary come give me a kiss, I would grab onto him and hold him tight. I felt if I let go he would fade away, I didn't want to take any chances. He called his mom to tell her about some recent decisions we have made and while on the phone discovered that his older brother and wife gave birth to their third child. He didn't break the news to me until we were in the car on our way home.

By this point he had decided to stop by the house to grab something and we would go out to visit Gabriel. While he was in the house I called my own mom and told her the news. Before long tears were making their way down my face for the second time in a day.
"I'm so tired of this new reality. She gets a baby and I get a grave!"
"I know, this is so hard baby."
"I miss when we were all happy, when we would have just girl weekends with Sami and Jaci and watch Gilmore Girls...."
After our conversation I had made my way inside and fell onto the bed. My chest ached as I cried, loud sobs filled the house and tears were pouring. I felt consumed by darkness, alone and weak. Even after Gary held me I could find no comfort, the entire world just seemed dark and cruel.

After I calmed down again we made our way to a few stores and picked up things to bring to Gabriel. It was beautiful when we got there, the wind was nice and cool even. We brought him an Elmo balloon, red roses and a mini scare crow. We talked about his six month birthday and how fast it was coming up, we told him how much we loved him and our plans to make him special jack-o-lanterns around Halloween. We told him about Nessa and my new best friend Aunt Brittanie and how we were going to make pumpkins for baby Nessa in heaven and the baby now inside her. Overall it was a good visit.

Tonight though, we fought again. It's the stupid little things it seems but it turned into a night of more tears and eye openers. Since Gabriel's death I have told myself I am strong, it's the same thing I told myself when I knew I was bringing my son into the world after his heart had stopped. I try not to lean on people for fear of being judged or hearing all their well intended (but mostly hurtful) suggestions. I try to internalize my feelings more and more. Tonight though, Gary poured his heart out to me again.
"I hate my life, I hate every day our son isn't here!"
He told me how badly he hurts, that he needs to be strong so I don't see him in pain. He says he sees how deep my pain is. I try to assure him he can talk to me, that I enjoy being there for him too. He says he can't, and to blame it on the fact he is a man and he is just hard wired differently. I finally confide to him that I can't let go of Gabriel, I can't accept this. I told myself I would let go when I finally gave birth, when I had my closure and was able to say goodbye but I just can't bring myself to do it...it has almost been six months now.

Our conversation went so much deeper and again I was reminded that Gary is a grieving father. I've actually been reading a book called "Grieve Like A Man" by Jonathan Fann to try and gain more insight as to what Gary might be going through.

It has been really rough, every day is a new struggle to try and survive....to be honest, we are drowning. Grief is not kind, it is cruel and a very necessary evil. Some day, I will heal but for now Gary and I are very much broken. We are both trying to be strong but on the inside we are crumbled. Life will never be the same, ever....

I Close My Eyes

I close my eyes for a moment, I feel the thumping of my heart. I remember what it was like to hear your heart beat, such a beautiful and calming rhythm. It sounded like the ocean when you hold a sea shell to your ear...that's how I remember you.

I close my eyes for a moment, I trace my hands over my tummy. I remember when you kicked, so strong, so lovely. It felt like you were dancing, and sometimes it was like a thousand butterflies were fluttering inside me, waiting to break free.

I close my eyes for a moment, my hand slips into Daddy's hand, our fingers lock together. I remember when he read to you, the excitement in your movement! I remember when he kissed my tummy, just to tell you "sweet dreams, my son, I love you." I watched his eyes light up, like a child on christmas morning, every time he felt you kick...

I close my eyes for a moment, I see an ultrasound screen, suddenly I am looking at you. I watch you sway and grow, kick and hiccup...such a beautiful boy, I am blessed with you. I love you more than time itself, stronger than the raging waves of the ocean, calm and soft as rose petals.

I close my eyes for a moment, though our time is short I am finally holding you. After long nine months you are in my arms but in heaven...but I know you know me, I know you love me, I know you heard me sing sweet songs just for you. I told you all my fears in the many hours we spent together, in am empty house with you safely in my womb.

I close my eyes for a moment and I remember our precious seconds together. I kissed your gorgeous cheeks, I stroked your tiny hands and held your baby feet. And when we got a moment alone I told you that I loved you, I told you I wasn't ready to let you go, that I would miss you dearly.

I close my eyes for a moment...and we are together one again.

A Broken Night

Thursday night we fought, I don't know why and I don't even remember what it was about...it wasn't good. In a mess of tears I packed a small bag and started walking, I didn't know where I was going but I knew I had to get out of our house. Gary followed in the car, cutting my route off and asking me to get in. There was a storm rolling in so I agreed. We drove with the windows down, cold air caressed my cheeks and ran its fingers through my wet hair. Suddenly were there again, surrounded by the mostly quiet night at the cemetery. Gary steps out with his flash light and goes to Gabriel while I sit in the car, my heart breaks and suddenly I am moaning and wailing like a wounded animal. Tears are running down my face as I scream my sons name over and over. I apologize, for what...I am unsure. I repeat over and over again,"I miss you, I miss you, I miss you..." And to not void out my love for him I say over and over,"I love you, I love you, I love you..."

Several minutes pass of this, I feel like my soul is bleeding out, my chest aches with an uncontrollable pain...but I pull it together. I wipe my face as I watch my husband laying on the grass near Gabriel, the flashlight outlining his body. All I can think is how this isn't the way a father is supposed to spend time with his baby, this isn't fair, it is just cruel. I stare and wonder what he is thinking, what is weighing heavy on Gary's mind tonight?

I make my way to the grave, with every step I feel tears swelling in my eyes. I kiss the tips of my fingers and bend down to touch the place my baby is buried...but instead I collapse in a heap and cry. I am laying on top of the mostly bare ground where he lays, my fingers are wrapped around the surrounding grass. My cheek is against the dirt as I cry and again tell him how much I miss him, how much I love him. I kiss the dirt and my heart feels so broken and so hurt. I pull myself up though, I turn to see tears falling from my husbands eyes.

"I want my son back...."
"I know baby, I do too..." I whisper and wrap him in my arms. I try to wipe his tears and I kiss his soft brown hair, I run my hand along his neck and let him cry. He is so broken, like me, we are shattered pieces of who we used to be. After a while I leave him alone to say his goodbyes, he lays on the ground where I had, right above Gabriel. We start to drive home,"I liked the way you hugged him, it made me want to hug him too. I could almost feel him in my arms again." As he tells me this, tears are still falling from his eyes. The ride home is mostly silent after this.

I wish people could see how broken we are in these moments, I wish they could see our pain and heartache...maybe they wouldn't try to rush us into "getting over it" or "moving on with our lives". We lost a very beautiful person, we lost a future, we lost a very fragile piece of both of us...we lost a creation of our love...Gabriel. We don't try to make people understand, until you've been here you won't...all we want is patience and love. We don't want opinions on where YOU think we need to be in our grief, maybe we just need you to listen with an open heart and be there to hold us. We don't need spoken words for comfort, we need support in where we are in our grief and what we do to celebrate the nine short months of Gabriels life. Before you go judging what we do or how we handle things, maybe you should talk to someone else who has been there and ask advice on ways to be supportive, maybe you'll find what we are doing is normal and completely fine.

What To Expect

Last night I was at my moms house and we decided to watch What To Expect When You're Expecting. I had been warned about this movie before and had an idea of what to expect but I guess I never mentioned it to my mom. So we get to the part where one of the women wakes up in the middle of the night bleeding. I hear my mom,"Oh no..." I look over and see her eyes start to water. The scene plays out, they deliver the news and the lady goes home. At the end of the scene the woman in the movie is talking about how she blames herself and how she never even got to feel the baby move. I take a peek over at my mom and tears are now falling from her eyes.

My heart shatters. Her boyfriend quickly gets up and tends to her as I struggle to wipe the tears away from my own face. Everything settles down again, we continue to watch. I am okay though, until the birth scenes where everyone is having their babies. I go to the restroom and turn on the fan, I let the tears fall freely and silently. Inside I ache, and reality rears its ugly head. I think I am making progress in my grief but for the most part I don't know. I think about Gabriel constantly but I feel like I am still in denial, sometimes I still wake up thinking it is March. I think I feel him kick. I pretend like nothing has happend and I try to push it away...why is life so cruel? I don't want him to be gone anymore, the days are getting harder. I just want to hold him, I want to kiss him...I want my life to be back to the way it was! I am surrounded my a thousand pieces of my previous life and don't even know where to begin to start putting them together.

A Day Of Mess

Where do I even begin?

This morning I went out to breakfast with my absolutely amazing friend Brittanie. We ended up at Einstein Bros. across the street from the hospital where I gave birth to Gabriel. When I was moved to my recovery room, (it wasn't with the woman who had living babies, thank God!), I had the room at the very end of the hall. It had a window and during the day I just stared out at the top of the tree, I remember thinking how strange that just below that tree hundreds of people were carrying on with their lives. I remember wishing I could climb into the tree and jump in hopes of flying straight to heaven instead of falling. Today I sat at our breakfast table and stared at the same exact tree, I wondered if someone else was in the hospital falling apart like I was. I saw small hand print smudges on the glass and I became overwhelmed with this ache that I would never clean Gabriel's hand smudges from a window or mirror, I would never have a sweet mothers day gift made with finger paints and handprints. I tried to focus though and bring myself back to present day, in the reflection of the hospital glass I could see an airplane making its way high up into the sky. I smiled to myself. Whenever I see a plan taking off I think of Gabriel because the cemetery he is buried at is right by the airport and what little boy doesn't love airplanes?

After breakfast we ran a few errands and then went to run errands with my mom and sister. As we were making our way home a storm moved in. The wind was ferocious and the rain was pouring down so heavy. I began to panic because I realized Gary would be getting off of work on the other end of town, I didn't want to have him driving home in this. My panic rose as I tried to call him numerous times, my call was dropping and my chest felt tight with every passing second. I could hardly breathe, before long I was crying and having a full on panic attack. My mom was trying to calm me down, she told me,"Don't worry, your with your mom and I will keep you safe." These words hit me like a ton of bricks, I realized how words that once brought me comfort were now meaningless. All I could think was, I am Gabriel's mom and I couldn't keep him safe. He was inside me and I couldn't protect him! Suddenly I was thrown into a turmoil of inner emotions and felt like a failure of a mother, a disgrace. Thankfully, a call went through to my husband finally and I just cried and told him how I didn't want to lose him. He assured me everything would be okay and he would come get me.

Later this evening I was laying against him on the couch, he knew I had been off a little and asked me what was wrong. I just laid there crying against his chest, I poured my heart out to him and told him how scared I was, how I don't feel needed anymore, that I miss Gabriel and how jealous I am of all the pregnant women out there. It was nice for him to hold me so close, I miss who I used to be...I really do...

My only child

Another M.E.N.D. meeting has come and gone, for once I didn't talk a lot. I've been struggling, I am considering not having any more children....ever. I guess it is more than just considering, I truly believe that Gabriel may be my only child. Everyone told me my mind might change after I'm not as fresh into my grief but what if it doesn't?

I went through a very traumatic event, not only did my son not make it but having a vaginal birth with him was extremely scary! I felt every ounce of pain since me epidural stopped working, I felt doctors stick their hands inside of me to try and get Gabriel out, I was so groggy from being put out I slept through most of the time I will ever spend with my baby. Why do I even want to run the risk of this happening again? I truly don't want to, I don't know who the woman was that was brave through everything that we went through in March, maybe she is buried inside me somewhere? I know I feel like a coward and a scared child, everything was such a nightmare. As you can imagine, Gary is not to thrilled with the idea of us not having children. We have agreed not to discuss it but who knows where this will lead us. I know in my heart that I can't handle losing another child, I don't want to put myself or my husband through so much pain...I don't want to feel like a failure and feel like I failed my family....

A Baby

Today proved interesting, my mother in law called me to tell me she was going to be going up to Washington in October to be with her other son when they have their third baby. She was so excited because she gets to be the first grandparent to see their baby and such. I didn't want to sound rude so I listened and sounded happy for her, inside I was aching though. I noticed I am indifferent about the newest member of the family, Gary and I have never been very close to his older brother anyway but now I just really don't care. It sounds rude, I guess, but I just don't want to hear about another baby being added to the family. It isn't like I wish horrible things for the baby, I just don't feel anything about it. I don't want to know when they are born or see pictures, I am still very much grieving the loss of my own son. I am at a point where I need to safe guard my own heart, every book I read tells me I need to remember to go easy on myself. Seeing another family member with their child is just a little to close to home for me still.

Pictures

Tonight I laid in bed for a while looking at pictures of Gabriel on my phone. My mind can't seem to wrap around everything that has happend since March.
Gary joined me in our room, he snuggled next to me as we both just stared at our son. His voice cracked as he said how much he missed Gabriel, inside I was breaking too. I whispered how I missed our son and then the tears fell from my eyes, they weren't angry but sad and painful. I wished with all my heart I could go back in time, maybe spend more time singing to Gabriel or letting Gary just read Star Wars every night. I missed his strong kicks and long episodes of hiccups that would shake my tummy. I missed his little personality, if I was spending the night with my mom and sisters, Gabriel would just wait and wait for his daddy to talk to him before bed. If he didn't hear Gary he would be so upset and just kick me like crazy! He always perked up when he heard Gary's voice, he was such a daddy's boy.
As we looked at those pictures though, Gary's eyes began to water. He isn't a very emotional man, but I have seen him cry more times since Gabriels passing than in our almost 6 years of being together. I cherish these moments though, we will just lay together and hold on to each other like the world is falling apart around us. We will wipe each others tears and just let everything fall in the tears from our eyes.

We Will Grieve How We Grieve

Today I watched a bird flying, it spread its wings so beautifully and glided through the air with elegance. It made me think of Gabriel, free....
The days are getting harder, even with my medication I feel very alone and lost without my boy. I wanted to lay with him this evening but the ground was wet from all the rain still. There is a part of me unwilling to accept this, well, I guess all of me is unwilling to accept this. I realize I am still in shock that he isn't here, the realization is far to painful to bear.
People want us to move on, to get on with our lives and accept that Gabriel is gone...even family has said this. I wonder, for a moment, if any of them every lost their child....would they be over it in a mere five months? If they lost their baby, would they not cry or dwell like I do? If their heart was ripped from their chest would they still be standing to face each and every day just as happy as they were before everything fell apart? I think not. I wish more people would keep their opinions to themselves, I know Gary and I don't care to hear how others feel about the way we grieve. Gabriel is OUR SON and we will honor his short life and grieve OUR WAY. Gabriel was a very wanted and very loved child, we are not only mourning the loss of such a precious soul but a future that we will never have with our son. He is our first born, and he will always be a part of our family. We will celebrate him in our daily lives as well as holidays, our future children will know of him and come out to his grave with us. We will hang pictures of him in our house, we will not forget him. If people are uncomfortable with how we handle things, well I'm sorry but the fact of the matter is...he is our baby and no one is forcing anyone to be a part of how we celebrate him.