My only child

Another M.E.N.D. meeting has come and gone, for once I didn't talk a lot. I've been struggling, I am considering not having any more children....ever. I guess it is more than just considering, I truly believe that Gabriel may be my only child. Everyone told me my mind might change after I'm not as fresh into my grief but what if it doesn't?

I went through a very traumatic event, not only did my son not make it but having a vaginal birth with him was extremely scary! I felt every ounce of pain since me epidural stopped working, I felt doctors stick their hands inside of me to try and get Gabriel out, I was so groggy from being put out I slept through most of the time I will ever spend with my baby. Why do I even want to run the risk of this happening again? I truly don't want to, I don't know who the woman was that was brave through everything that we went through in March, maybe she is buried inside me somewhere? I know I feel like a coward and a scared child, everything was such a nightmare. As you can imagine, Gary is not to thrilled with the idea of us not having children. We have agreed not to discuss it but who knows where this will lead us. I know in my heart that I can't handle losing another child, I don't want to put myself or my husband through so much pain...I don't want to feel like a failure and feel like I failed my family....