Breaking

It was early morning, no sleep had come to my restless mind. The sky was turning a dark blue, it reminded me of the ocean. I spent all night looking up new songs for Gabriel's playlist...even listened to ones that I hadn't heard since before he died. I closed my eyes for a moment and with sharp clarity everything came flooding back. A fog was lifted as I remembered the fear of everyone leaving the room and the doctors putting me under so they could get Gabriel out. I watched as Gary walked over to that tiny, clear "crib" they wheeled in. He drew back the blanket they had placed over the top and gently picked up our son, our beautiful son. I watched him take Gabriel to my mom first, and then he was next to me, our heads pressed against each other as we looked down at our baby, tears streaming and the pain was so real.

I shot up in bed, huge tears cascading down my cheeks as I began to shatter. This is happening...this isn't a dream....he is dead. I cried so hard and repeated over and over, "I am tired of this, I want my baby!" I cried for so long and Gary finally woke, trying to pull me back to bed but I fought away. I ran to the bathroom, locked the door behind me and there "she" was. Her eyes were broken, I stared into the mirror and wanted her gone. I found the pills...I dumped them into my palm but the door was flung open. Gary grabbed them from me, put them aside and held me. At that moment I fell into a million pieces, "I'm so tired of this, I don't want to do this anymore." I sobbed into his chest, my heart felt torn open, the pain was raw, it was sharp. "I'm so tired of being strong, I can't do this. I'm so tired of this, it isn't fair."
"I know..." He whispered.