A Broken Night

Thursday night we fought, I don't know why and I don't even remember what it was about...it wasn't good. In a mess of tears I packed a small bag and started walking, I didn't know where I was going but I knew I had to get out of our house. Gary followed in the car, cutting my route off and asking me to get in. There was a storm rolling in so I agreed. We drove with the windows down, cold air caressed my cheeks and ran its fingers through my wet hair. Suddenly were there again, surrounded by the mostly quiet night at the cemetery. Gary steps out with his flash light and goes to Gabriel while I sit in the car, my heart breaks and suddenly I am moaning and wailing like a wounded animal. Tears are running down my face as I scream my sons name over and over. I apologize, for what...I am unsure. I repeat over and over again,"I miss you, I miss you, I miss you..." And to not void out my love for him I say over and over,"I love you, I love you, I love you..."

Several minutes pass of this, I feel like my soul is bleeding out, my chest aches with an uncontrollable pain...but I pull it together. I wipe my face as I watch my husband laying on the grass near Gabriel, the flashlight outlining his body. All I can think is how this isn't the way a father is supposed to spend time with his baby, this isn't fair, it is just cruel. I stare and wonder what he is thinking, what is weighing heavy on Gary's mind tonight?

I make my way to the grave, with every step I feel tears swelling in my eyes. I kiss the tips of my fingers and bend down to touch the place my baby is buried...but instead I collapse in a heap and cry. I am laying on top of the mostly bare ground where he lays, my fingers are wrapped around the surrounding grass. My cheek is against the dirt as I cry and again tell him how much I miss him, how much I love him. I kiss the dirt and my heart feels so broken and so hurt. I pull myself up though, I turn to see tears falling from my husbands eyes.

"I want my son back...."
"I know baby, I do too..." I whisper and wrap him in my arms. I try to wipe his tears and I kiss his soft brown hair, I run my hand along his neck and let him cry. He is so broken, like me, we are shattered pieces of who we used to be. After a while I leave him alone to say his goodbyes, he lays on the ground where I had, right above Gabriel. We start to drive home,"I liked the way you hugged him, it made me want to hug him too. I could almost feel him in my arms again." As he tells me this, tears are still falling from his eyes. The ride home is mostly silent after this.

I wish people could see how broken we are in these moments, I wish they could see our pain and heartache...maybe they wouldn't try to rush us into "getting over it" or "moving on with our lives". We lost a very beautiful person, we lost a future, we lost a very fragile piece of both of us...we lost a creation of our love...Gabriel. We don't try to make people understand, until you've been here you won't...all we want is patience and love. We don't want opinions on where YOU think we need to be in our grief, maybe we just need you to listen with an open heart and be there to hold us. We don't need spoken words for comfort, we need support in where we are in our grief and what we do to celebrate the nine short months of Gabriels life. Before you go judging what we do or how we handle things, maybe you should talk to someone else who has been there and ask advice on ways to be supportive, maybe you'll find what we are doing is normal and completely fine.