I don't know her, the woman that stares back at me in the mirror. I don't even know how to start to understand who she is....who I have become. There is just to much, to many thoughts and not enough hours in the day. There isn't enough time. I am existing, I feel cold and lonely inside though. I try to laugh, it feels forced, it feels wrong. I try to not spend every second focused on Gabriel, but he is always on my mind...always. I want to wake up from this nightmare, I want my baby back! He isn't coming back though...and that alone is to much pain to comprehend.
Inside I feel ancient, like I've lived a thousand lives or more. I try to dig deep in my heart to find the young and naive girl I once was...but I can't find her. I don't know what to do anymore....this world, this life....there is just so much that can go wrong. It is cruel for a baby to never be able to take his first breath, it is twisted when there are coffins so very tiny you would think they could be shoe boxes. I want to hold him again, I want to feel alive again....what I am doing right now is surviving, but even so, I am drowning.
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