Six Months

Another month has come and gone, and to say the least I am shocked it has already been six months!

We went out to the cemetery today, like we do every birthday. We had made homemade things for him this time, so it was nice. When we got there though we couldn't immediately get out of the car, this time felt so very different for me. Gary came around at some point and we collected out gifts from the trunk. Suddenly my feet felt like they were made of lead, I stood there just staring at his tiny grave in the distance. I was filled with a mixture of anger and great sadness, I felt cheated and robbed of my youth and happiness. Gary held out his hand though and I wrapped my fingers around his, with every step I could feel my heart racing and the cold icey hand of grief was slicing its way into my heart. We laid a blanket out next to him, set up his gifts and just laid there next to him. Gary opened his Star Wars book and read to Gabriel, just like he used to when he was in my womb. I played music from my "Gabriel" playlist on my phone. I don't know how long we laid there but in my heart I was praying that maybe some other family members would show up, maybe he would get flowers today since it has been half a year. I watched car after car drive by, no one came. I know I can't expect people to read my mind or to know what I want unless I tell them but I want to hope and believe that one day I will be surprised by a beautiful something left out with him.

Now I am in bed, I feel empty and hollow. I can't believe that this is my life, that I will forever be a mother to an angel. Gabriel won't call me mommy, he won't run into my arms with great big hugs and slobbery kisses, he won't draw me a picture to hang on my fridge proudly, he won't beg me to read him "just one more" bedtime story....I try not to focus on these bitter and painful realizations but sometimes it is just to much. I am missing out on a lifetime of memories! I wish I could have seen his beautiful eyes, I wish I could have heard his tiny cries of life, I wish I could have smelt his new born baby smell....there is so much I wish for and no matter how many stars I wish upon, they can not give me my wish. How does life change so drastically? In the blink of an eye your world can crumble from around you....it is unfair.