A Day Of Mess

Where do I even begin?

This morning I went out to breakfast with my absolutely amazing friend Brittanie. We ended up at Einstein Bros. across the street from the hospital where I gave birth to Gabriel. When I was moved to my recovery room, (it wasn't with the woman who had living babies, thank God!), I had the room at the very end of the hall. It had a window and during the day I just stared out at the top of the tree, I remember thinking how strange that just below that tree hundreds of people were carrying on with their lives. I remember wishing I could climb into the tree and jump in hopes of flying straight to heaven instead of falling. Today I sat at our breakfast table and stared at the same exact tree, I wondered if someone else was in the hospital falling apart like I was. I saw small hand print smudges on the glass and I became overwhelmed with this ache that I would never clean Gabriel's hand smudges from a window or mirror, I would never have a sweet mothers day gift made with finger paints and handprints. I tried to focus though and bring myself back to present day, in the reflection of the hospital glass I could see an airplane making its way high up into the sky. I smiled to myself. Whenever I see a plan taking off I think of Gabriel because the cemetery he is buried at is right by the airport and what little boy doesn't love airplanes?

After breakfast we ran a few errands and then went to run errands with my mom and sister. As we were making our way home a storm moved in. The wind was ferocious and the rain was pouring down so heavy. I began to panic because I realized Gary would be getting off of work on the other end of town, I didn't want to have him driving home in this. My panic rose as I tried to call him numerous times, my call was dropping and my chest felt tight with every passing second. I could hardly breathe, before long I was crying and having a full on panic attack. My mom was trying to calm me down, she told me,"Don't worry, your with your mom and I will keep you safe." These words hit me like a ton of bricks, I realized how words that once brought me comfort were now meaningless. All I could think was, I am Gabriel's mom and I couldn't keep him safe. He was inside me and I couldn't protect him! Suddenly I was thrown into a turmoil of inner emotions and felt like a failure of a mother, a disgrace. Thankfully, a call went through to my husband finally and I just cried and told him how I didn't want to lose him. He assured me everything would be okay and he would come get me.

Later this evening I was laying against him on the couch, he knew I had been off a little and asked me what was wrong. I just laid there crying against his chest, I poured my heart out to him and told him how scared I was, how I don't feel needed anymore, that I miss Gabriel and how jealous I am of all the pregnant women out there. It was nice for him to hold me so close, I miss who I used to be...I really do...