A Day of Tears

Here we are again, a silent night full of tears and heart ache.

Today started off as a horrible morning, I woke from a nightmare in which Gary died. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I replayed over every vivid detail. I remembered being full of pain, people telling me to be happy because he was reunited in heaven with Gabriel. I was completely shattered when I realized that not only Gabriel's future was over but Gary and I would never have anymore children either.

Shortly afterwards we went to a friends house to help them with a remodel home they are working on. I felt sluggish and very distant. Every few moments I would have Gary come give me a kiss, I would grab onto him and hold him tight. I felt if I let go he would fade away, I didn't want to take any chances. He called his mom to tell her about some recent decisions we have made and while on the phone discovered that his older brother and wife gave birth to their third child. He didn't break the news to me until we were in the car on our way home.

By this point he had decided to stop by the house to grab something and we would go out to visit Gabriel. While he was in the house I called my own mom and told her the news. Before long tears were making their way down my face for the second time in a day.
"I'm so tired of this new reality. She gets a baby and I get a grave!"
"I know, this is so hard baby."
"I miss when we were all happy, when we would have just girl weekends with Sami and Jaci and watch Gilmore Girls...."
After our conversation I had made my way inside and fell onto the bed. My chest ached as I cried, loud sobs filled the house and tears were pouring. I felt consumed by darkness, alone and weak. Even after Gary held me I could find no comfort, the entire world just seemed dark and cruel.

After I calmed down again we made our way to a few stores and picked up things to bring to Gabriel. It was beautiful when we got there, the wind was nice and cool even. We brought him an Elmo balloon, red roses and a mini scare crow. We talked about his six month birthday and how fast it was coming up, we told him how much we loved him and our plans to make him special jack-o-lanterns around Halloween. We told him about Nessa and my new best friend Aunt Brittanie and how we were going to make pumpkins for baby Nessa in heaven and the baby now inside her. Overall it was a good visit.

Tonight though, we fought again. It's the stupid little things it seems but it turned into a night of more tears and eye openers. Since Gabriel's death I have told myself I am strong, it's the same thing I told myself when I knew I was bringing my son into the world after his heart had stopped. I try not to lean on people for fear of being judged or hearing all their well intended (but mostly hurtful) suggestions. I try to internalize my feelings more and more. Tonight though, Gary poured his heart out to me again.
"I hate my life, I hate every day our son isn't here!"
He told me how badly he hurts, that he needs to be strong so I don't see him in pain. He says he sees how deep my pain is. I try to assure him he can talk to me, that I enjoy being there for him too. He says he can't, and to blame it on the fact he is a man and he is just hard wired differently. I finally confide to him that I can't let go of Gabriel, I can't accept this. I told myself I would let go when I finally gave birth, when I had my closure and was able to say goodbye but I just can't bring myself to do it...it has almost been six months now.

Our conversation went so much deeper and again I was reminded that Gary is a grieving father. I've actually been reading a book called "Grieve Like A Man" by Jonathan Fann to try and gain more insight as to what Gary might be going through.

It has been really rough, every day is a new struggle to try and survive....to be honest, we are drowning. Grief is not kind, it is cruel and a very necessary evil. Some day, I will heal but for now Gary and I are very much broken. We are both trying to be strong but on the inside we are crumbled. Life will never be the same, ever....