2 Month Birthday

Today was our little ones two month birthday. I can't believe he has already been gone for two months! Where is all the time going? I spent most of the day imagining what it would be like if he was here...it seems like I do that a lot lately. I wish even more that I could be with him today, holding him, kissing him, checking on him in heaven. I don't know if I could ever get use to this life without him, it looks like I have no choice though. My husband does that thing where you take a fallen eye lash and you blow it off the tip of your finger while making a wish. He always asks me what I wish for and I reply that it  is something I can't have. Tonight he told me to wish for something that could actually change...I told him I couldn't. Why am I incapable of wishing or hoping for something different? Why can't I just accept Gabriel is gone? I remember the friday after I had given birth to Gabe. We had already said our final goodbye's the night before and I was still in the hospital for monitoring. My husband took me down to the prayer garden, I could hear all the busy traffic going on outside of the hospital...I kept wondering how everyone else could keep going while I felt incapacitated. How was life still going on around me when I felt dead inside? I feel that way now, how has it been so long already? How has my life kept going? We went out to the cemetery today of course, pinwheels, flowers and bubbles in hand. It was cool around the time we went, beautiful weather compared to the stuffy heat of the day. I held it together really well I think, but now that the sun has set and my mind has a chance to process it, I am hurting. I am sad and angry that my son was taken from me. I miss him....