Mothers Day

45 days. I last held you in my arms 45 days ago. Today is a day to be honoring mothers but I don't feel like a mother, how can I when there is no child here to hold in my arms? I can't believe I am celebrating my first mothers day when there are so many firsts I have missed with you...your first smile, your first laugh, your first beautiful cries of life. My heart aches, I am filled with a desire to be with you and I can't. I want to take care of you! Every day has been torture, I wake up wishing it is all just a dream, hoping I am stuck in a horrible nightmare that I will soon wake from. I never do. Right now I feel numb, I'm exhausted because I didn't sleep well and I feel like I'm balancing on the edge. Where did you go my beautiful boy? Why did you have to leave me here alone? I miss you so bad my heart aches, I want to cry but the tears won't fall. I wish so badly I was waking up to your beautiful face, waking up and counting the blessings God has given me. I am sitting in a quiet house instead, listening to the birds outside and wanting to be far away from here. I don't want to see the happy families, I don't want to see the facebook posts about how amazing everyone's mother is and how thankful they are for their children. I don't want to see the pictures of beautiful flowers or gifts women are being showered with today. It's going to be a hard day, I don't know how I am going to make it through without you here. The last 45 days seems like nothing compared to the immense pain I have throbbing in my heart today.