A Family Dinner

Tonight we are having a fancy family dinner to celebrate my grandmothers birthday. They flew in this week for my sisters graduation and my uncle flew in with his girlfriend too. I can't stop thinking about the day my parents had asked me to put this dinner in my calendar. I was still very pregnant and we were in the Sams Club my husband works at, I was waiting for him to get off work like usual. I couldn't wait to dress up my handsome little boy in an adorable outfit to celebrate his great grandma's birthday. I couldn't wait to be showing off my beautiful family too, the gorgeous little one that my husband and I created. Now I sit here waiting to get ready. I have a beautiful dress and my husband agreed to even dress up for this occasion, which can be a miracle in itself. My little brother is sitting next to me...all I keep thinking is that this isn't right. I should be at home with the baby, bathing him and getting his adorable outfit on. I know there are going to be plenty of toasts about family and I feel out of place. Even though I am with my family I finally had my own little family to show off. How can I toast to family when my family feels very torn apart, very separated? I feel a dull ache in my heart, my baby isn't here to celebrate with us and it just breaks my heart. This is supposed to be a happy occasion, full of laughter and good spirits, celebrating life and all of the blessings we have...but how can I celebrate when my sons life was blown out as quick as a flame of a candle? It feels wrong because we are missing someone, a very big important someone that should be here but isn't. I can only hope it won't be as bad as I am thinking...maybe he will be with me in spirit and everything will fall into place.