Numb

I believe that today I am numb. The world is still turning, lives are going on all around me but I feel none of it. I was shopping at Walmart and saw tons of women pushing baby strollers, of course I couldn't resist a peek. Beautiful babies, their tiny faces full of life. Some sleeping, others gazing around in amazement. I realize now why I shop at night instead, there aren't as many babies out. I don't feel anything though, there is no throbbing in my chest, there are no tears starting to form in my eyes. Positive signs, one would think, but there is no emotion at all. Just a wide emptiness inside of me that seems to swallow up my existence. My mind can be cruel to me. Some days I seem to think he is still at the hospital, maybe he is just sick and I'll be able to take him home soon. Out of no where I imagine that he is simply in the back seat of the car sleeping in his car seat. When I am out on a date or hanging out, I am convinced he is at home with my family. When reality hits, it leaves me breathless. I want to scream, I want to destroy everything in sight...I don't know how many times I've ripped out chunks of my own hair recently. But going into the store, being numb from the inside out...it's almost a new experience. An unexpected form a relief. I am at home, calm, taking it on breath at a time. Right now there is no screaming, there is no pounding my fists into the wall, there isn't any gasping for air. In this moment I know he is gone, he isn't here because the house is so quiet and still. I don't feel anything other than relief, I am relieved that right now I am able to breathe, I am able to function and I am not spinning out of control. Being numb is beautiful.