The Dark Line

I close my eyes as the warm water dances across my skin. I remember back to the mornings I would wake up early and waddle my way into the shower. I would stand in front of the mirror undressed, admiring the beautiful roundness of my tummy. My eyes were full of hopes and dreams, excitement of the future mother I was going to be. I felt beautiful, glowing, alive. I remember the water caressing my tummy as you would start to move and wake from your slumber. Your tiny feet buried in my ribs as you stretched out. I would run my hands over your feet, amazed at how you would squirm and roll away from the contact. Sometimes you would pull back enough just to give me a good kick in the side. I would trace the dark line that had formed from the top of my belly to the bottom of it, concerned it would never fade. When Daddy would join us we would laugh and joke around about you, he was so excited to become a father. He would put soap on his hands and rub it all over my tummy until it was nice and sudsy, he would say,"I'm cleaning the baby!" I would just giggle and smile at him. I remember when he would hold me, my back pressed into his bare chest as the water weaved it's way over our bodies. He would hold onto my tummy, talking about how he couldn't wait to meet you. The morning we found out our shower wasn't as pleasant. We were nervous, scared of what would happen at our appointment. Daddy pressed his forehead to mine, looking down at my belly. He placed his hand on my skin, caressing you softly as if begging you to wake up.
Now I watch the water, I watch it fall over my empty tummy. I feel hollow inside, no longer full. Sometimes I catch myself caressing where your feet used to wedge themselves and I am filled with an ache. It hurts because I realize I will never feel you move like that again. I cry sometimes when I shower alone, wishing I could go back to those mornings. Tell you again how much in love I am with you. I wish I would have sang more on those mornings, maybe lost track of time for a little longer. This overwhelming sense of emptiness now fills the spaces your tiny body once did. I still trace the dark line but I cry as I do it, watching it fade more and more everyday. Sometimes I beg God to let it stay a little longer, I beg him because I don't want to lose any piece of you. I want to remember you really happened, I want to know that I am not going crazy because sometimes I wonder if I made you up. This pain is so great and deep I wonder if any of it truly ever existed. I wish you were here so I could run the warm water over your soft skin, so I could take care of the beautiful boy you are, my beautiful son that I grew...I miss you...