Far Away

It boils inside of me, turning my blood into fire. A pain shoots straight into my heart, like a guided missile from the abyss inside my soul. I can't scream out, I can''t cry out...there are people around me. I bite it back, biting my tongue so hard I'm surprised I don't taste blood. It hurts to hold it in, hurts bad enough that hot tears fall from my eyes. I am tired, tired of waking up to this reality, tired of waking up in a future I didn't plan for. I'm so exhausted, I haven't rested in days...weeks. My mind keeps going over the details, spinning round and round. The unanswered questions gnaw at my mind, starving, ravaging for the slightest detail that can put everything into perspective. Why did this happen to me? What could I have done to change this? Where did I fail? My body was designed for this, destined to bring life into this world. I was supposed to bring forth dreams and hopes, the first grandchild. Instead I gave birth to a baby that will never open his eyes, he will never cry, never wake from his sleep. How did this happen to me? Since he died in me, in my body that has given him everything he needed to thrive...would it not be my failure if his death was inside of me too? Would it not be my fault that he was dead upon arrival? I'm angry, I am seething, my entire being is aching. My purpose, my plans of motherhood, have been shattered. The pieces thrown around like shreds of paper, scattering themselves. I am struggling. I am searching for something, searching for the right words, begging for a sign of hope. I don't want them to see my hurting, I don't want my family to see me in this pain. I'm trying to bury it, trying to force it away and tuck it inside but why? I'm trying not to burn bridges, I'm trying not to explode with anger but they don't want to see me like that. They want to touch me, they want to hug me and tell me not to cry. They want me to be okay and they tell me I'm alright but I'm not. I am far from alright, far from here.