Today I am a proud sister, my beautiful Samantha has graduated high school!! It was a nice ceremony and of course all the seniors threw their caps in the air at the end. For the most part I sat there, watching one woman in particular. She was holding a little baby girl in her arms, bouncing her slightly. The little one was turning her head with curiosity, enthralled with the sea of faces in the bleachers. I kept wondering, what would it be like if Gabriel was here? Would he be fussy during all the inconvenient moments? Would he be turning his head with big wide eyes, caught up in the new noises and sounds? How different would my life be? I chased away the thoughts, focusing on my sister, not wanting to "steal the spotlight". I made it, for the most part. We all met up outside to get a few pictures, her smile was full of pride. I was so happy for her. I turned away though, looking into my mothers eyes as the tears started to fall. "Why are you crying baby girl?" "I realized Gabriel will never experience this." She looked at me with loving care,"It's okay baby girl, the next baby will." Even though she meant it as a comfort and with all the love in the world, my heart broke. Why does everyone keep counting on me having the experiences with the "next baby"? Who's to say there will be any other baby? I know eventually I might have the chance to experience motherhood in all of its beauty but for now it kills me to know of all the things Gabriel will miss. It isn't so much about me not experiencing the milestones with a child but the pain of knowing I won't experience it with my first born. It will always be bitter sweet to watch my future children reach milestones that Gabe won't, that's just the way it is.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please be respectful when leaving comments.