Curious

I woke up this morning thinking it was March 28th, believing I was pregnant and that we were getting ready to find out our baby was okay. I woke believing I still was full and when my hand ran down my tummy I realized it no longer was a rounded bump. My husband held me as I cried, showing me pictures on my phone to help me understand where I was, what day it was, what was going on. I cried harder, of course, as the reality sank in. It started off as a terrible day, I was full of so much anger and depression it hurt. When we went out to the cemetery though I felt peaceful again. A strong gust of wind greeted me and in my heart I knew it was Gabriel rushing into my arms to say hello. Later I cried again, feeling an overwhelming sense of loss, of defeat. I had spent months planning for this beautiful boy. Countless hours I spent day dreaming about our future, his smile and the little boy he would soon be. I would wonder who he would look like, what would it be like when I heard him cry for the very first time. I am angry because I don't know why this happened to me, why does it happen at all? Why are parents forced to bury their children so young, or at all? I realize though, even in this darkness, that Gabriel was put in my life for a reason. I know by the end of this initial grief, at the end of all these first milestones I will forever be a stronger person. I will be confident...how could I not after all of this? How could I not believe in myself and know that I have the strength to move mountains? Hopefully, through this experience, I can stop living for an unpredictable future and start living in the moment. Maybe I will learn to cherish life and the beautiful moments and memories being formed around me. I am curious to see what this experience will teach me. How will I be changed? What will I learn about myself? I am intrigued by this path in my life.