I miss him so much today. I found myself constantly day dreaming about what it would be like if he was here. It amazes me how fast life changes, how quick the turns in our paths shift. I know I can't change this, I couldn't save him from this fate but the amount of guilt I feel at times is unbearable, I feel like I deserved to die in that labor. I didn't take care of myself like I should have, I knew I was high risk with my diabetes but I guess I was naive. I was a stupid child that had no idea what being high risk truly meant. I don't know if it is really my fault as to why he passed...I have no idea and the unanswered questions nibble at my mind. At some point I have to accept this, I just don't know how. I watch my friends update their statuses and share pictures of their children...I find myself jealous, sometimes even crying because all I have is a photo album and nine months worth of memories. I know i should be thankful, I know i should be greatful when some women only dream of being pregnant but I feel cheated, I feel robbed of a lifetime of memories. I used to ask why me, and sometimes I still do but why not me? What makes me more special than other women who have lost children? Nothing. If there is one thing I wish people realized is that this loss, this incredible loss, can happen to anyone. No one should ever hold themselves higher than another pregnant woman because there is no discrimination between who may or who may not lose their baby.
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