Unattached

I am finding an issue within myself that I am hoping is only a coping mechanism. I have lost the most precious person in my life, I have never experienced a loss so profound and deep. I have considered myself extremely lucky since I haven't lost many people in my family but now I am devastated. My first born is gone, the dreams I had, the plans I had made have all been swept away. I feel like my future was buried with him, truly it was. With this pain comes new experiences, uncharted mysteries about myself that leave me struggling to find who I am. It's hard for me to stay close to anyone. I find myself wanting to  be distant from my family, I am trying to be unattached because I never want to feel this amount of pain in my life again. In my heart I know I can't truly separate myself from them but I am becoming more distant. I get frustrated over the little things, events that I should enjoy only seem like a tedious chore. Other peoples problems seem tiny in comparison to what I am dealing with. Constantly I am reminding myself that these events, these complaints actually mean something to someone and to them, they are a big deal. In so many ways I have changed. I look in the mirror and I see a hardness behind my eyes, I've witnessed tragedy. My mother tells me I no longer have the innocent look in my face, I find this true, more true than I want it to be. I cling to Gary, I don't seem to want to be around anyone but him. They just don't understand me like he does. They don't get it...how could they? I force myself not to blame them when they don't understand my emotions. My mind is running a thousand miles per minute, I make up fights in my mind that will never happen, I prepare myself for words that will never be spoken. Some nights I cry just because I hate not knowing who I am, I hate feeling so vulnerable on the inside. I despise the amount of strength I carry inside me, the wall I keep up out of the fear of being hurt even more. I'm confused at times, questioning life and all of its twists and turns. I have so many questions. I am haunted by myself, haunted by the memories of a future that was full of life. I am standing on uneven ground, fearing the start of every new day, waiting for something tragic to happen. I am struggling to accept that Gabriel is gone, I am still in denial and over a thousand times I wonder how this happened? Where did he go? At the end of the day it seems like the only time I can relax is in Gary's arms, the questions aren't as cruel and I can finally let my tears fall. I realize I am blessed to not be in this alone, I am blessed with the consistent presence of a man that is so strong.