Grief

Grief is an inconvenience, it does not keep business hours, nor schedule you in for certain hours. It side swipes you at times, throws a curve ball in when you are least expecting it. Grief is a necessity. It's not a disorder. It doesn't come with set rules, only guidelines and even so, everyone has a separate journey. Grief is an ingredient to healing, and like a fresh wound the healing process can't be rushed. We can how ever, choose how we heal. We can take care of our healing process, addressing our wounds with loving care. We can join support groups, write, sing, see a psychiatrist...there are many positive ways to grieve, numerous outlets to heal in healthy ways. We can become "infected" though as well, wallowing away the days in pain and heartbreak, failing to participate in any activity other than ones that make us hurt. To a point it is okay to be depressed, it is okay to forget what ever plans we made for the day and just take it easy. It is okay to cry, okay to laugh, okay to scream at the top of your lungs even. What we don't want is to spend the rest of our lives questioning what could have been. No one should rush you in your grieving process, there are different time lines and everyone heals differently, in ways that are right for them. You will have your days where you sit and cry, from what I have heard, those will get easier. You will have days that all you do is laugh and enjoy life, enjoying all things, these are perfectly fine. We are doing our loved ones any favors by constantly crying over their death, they would want you to be happy. They would want to hear the laughter they loved, see the smile they adored. It can be hard to remember that. Right now I am on such a roller coaster at times! One minute I am laughing with my husband and the next I am bawling into his shoulder about how things should have been. I am surprised at how long it is taking me to get over the denial, I think I finally am for the most part. I have my times where I am angry, I scream into my pillow or beat my fists into the mattress, sometimes I even end up taking it out on those who have done nothing wrong. I am embarrassed to admit that but it's true. The other day I was in shock that Gabriel is truly gone, that's all I kept saying over and over again,"He's really gone." I have moments where I know beyond a doubt he is in my heart, he is in heaven and safe from the world and all it's pain. Grief is such a journey, such a winding road. By the end of it though, I know I will be stronger. I will have a strength that I never thought possible.