Darkness

I am insane with grief right now, all I wish is to go and be with my Gabriel. I want to go, I want to take away this pain, escape from my body. I want to know what is beyond the last beat of a heart. Is there heaven or nothingness? Are there trumpets or silence? Will I hold my baby again or hold my hands for the rest of eternity in a coffin? It is hell on earth when you bury your child, it is a pain so deep there are no words to express the ache in your chest with every breath you take. I am angry, loathing this life and its cruelty and unfairness. Imagine for a moment the life and dreams you have suddenly being swept away like dust under the rug. My life seems to matter to me, my struggle is mine to bear. I can surround myself with help, but truly I am alone in this journey, I am the one who chided whether to come to terms with this or to let it eat me alive. I realize the only reason I get out of bed sometimes is to appear strong, to avoid the questions of what's wrong, to avoid being pushed into getting out of bed. I'm tired of people asking me what is wrong. Pretty much anything I'm feeling right now can be accredited to the fact that my son is dead. It kills me to know that I was carrying around my deceased infant for a couple days before I gave birth, to know that he was already decomposing inside of me. The womb that he once thrived with life in was where he began to fall apart too. How does it get any better after all of this? How will i ever find hope when I miss him with every fiber of myself? My flesh and blood, my beautiful son is gone....my own little family is ripped apart, seperated by death. How will I ever recover?