A Party In The Park

Today was my sisters graduation party. Since the weather was beautiful we had it at a local park with family and friends, of course some people had younger children, my stepmom included. I was okay for the most part, distracting myself with idle conversations. My mother was there to distract me too, whenever I am with my sisters and her our time is always full of laughter. Eventually it caught up to me though. I would watch the kids running around on the jungle gym and my heart would ache....my Gabriel would never do this. I would watch them laugh or argue a little, caught up in their own games and rules, my Gabriel would never do this either. I would watch my husband pushing one of the little girls on the swing, my Gabriel would never experience it. I felt overwhelmed, surrounded, stuck in a place full of things I would never experience with Gabriel. I finally walked away from it all for a little while, looking into the sky. I watched clouds rolling in, gray, big, overpowering. In the midst of it all, there was a crack between two clouds that had pushed together. Sunshine was making it glow golden. There was a hole in the clouds, a pastel blue so beautiful I had only ever seen it in paintings. It wasn't anything like the sky blue that was fighting against the storm clouds. It looked like there were clouds in the hole too, not white and fluffy or gray but a soft cream color. A beam of sunlight fell from the hole, bright and breath taking. To me it felt like I was peering into another world. The tears started to fall and I remembered dreaming where I had asked if heaven was real. The answer had been yes, a strong yes that makes you want to believe. I felt like I was looking into heaven, a peaceful beautiful place waiting for me, a place where Gabriel is safe and loved. I am always looking for signs, a reason to believe in what everyone else does so effortlessly. I believe it was a sign.