It is during the silent hours of the day that it is most apparent my son is not here. The dates on the calender carry a new meaning, whether it is how many days since his death or a great milestone I am missing. I have no ambition, no drive to do much of anything right now. Some days I wake up with every intention of changing this, a deep desire runs through me to be artistic with my photography. But yet again the seconds fall away, never to be seen again. Another day comes and goes, still I have accomplished nothing. Most days it seems like a chore to even wake up, I am consistently exhausted, drained. I am searching for inspiration but have found nothing yet. I desire more, but there is no driving force behind it. I get caught in my imagination, my mind forming versions of how my day would be if my son was here. This grief is truly a whirlwind, tossing you from one place to another. I never truly know what I will feel in a day or how it will affect me or those around me. I try not to repeat everything over so much because my struggles get old to everyone else. They get tired of me saying it all to them, I can tell. I feel like people expect me to be over this or moving on somewhat, but how can I? I am relearning how to live, rediscovering who I am. My entire personality has been altered that I don't even recognize myself all the time. I try to find humor where others do, it all seems childish. I try to understand the struggles my friends face but they just seem minor or petty. I feel like an outsider. I don't fit in very well anymore. I can't seem to function in this world as it stands right now. How do I move forward when the world doesn't seem appealing anymore?
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