Capture Your Grief, Day Thirty

Day 30: Your Grief-Tell the World
October 30,2012

We are now 7 months into our grief journey, not all days are bad but I do still have quite a few. Let's face it, losing your beautiful baby is horrible! There are so many struggles to overcome and it alters your life forever. Suddenly you have to adapt to a future that no one can ever prepare for or imagine. You have to be strong, no amount of tears or prayers will bring your baby back....you have to face a lot of realities in a country that seems to have a problem with allowing people to grieve healthily. It is tough, it is unfair and no two grief journeys are the same...and honestly, unless someone has been through this they most times have Jo idea what they are talking about with their advice. Some people do though, and you will learn the differences in each person. My advice is to get involved in a support group or a grief counselor, it can be amazing to have these resources.

Today has been an overall crazy day. My inlaws house caught on fire, luckily all the family members were okay except for the cat that died in the fire. The inside of the house is destroyed to say the least, tons of smoke damage. All the walls are black too...

We went out to the cemetery, there were a ton of birds flying around. It was absolutely beautiful and breath taking. I felt such a joy watching them soar in the sky, diving and turning in mass patterns...it was amazing.

Capture Your Grief, Day Twenty Nine

Day 29: Music
October 29,2012

I have so many songs in a playlist on my phone labeled Baby Gabriel. I am always scouring the internet for special gems that speak to me, I love sharing these songs with other people too.

Today marks Gabriels 7 month angel birthday, it has been a nice day having Gary home with me. We finished carving pumpkins and got everything ready to see him, we didn't even leave the house! It was absolutely relaxing and needed. I miss Gabriel very much, I still can't believe we are already more than half way through the year....I guess in my grief I am really struggling with the fact that time keeps moving forward....I don't like it. I felt so special though because tonight is a full moon and as we sat at the cemetery I got to watch it rise up big and beautiful.

Capture Your Grief, Day Twenty Eight

Day 28: Memory
October 28,2012

I have so many memories, many beautiful and many not so beautiful. It is hard to pick just one so I will write about more than one today.

For Halloween last year Gary and I got the sweetest treat. Even though I had heard Gabriels heartbeat with my mom already, Gary still hadn't. Thankfully, our little one cooperated and Gary finally got to hear his sons beating heart! I will never forget the huge grin that spread from ear to ear, he was absolutely full of pride and love which was clearly on his face.

For Thanksgiving we had our ultrasound to determine if we were having a boy or girl, it was the day before of course. A boy! A beautiful baby boy!

For Christmas we imagined our holiday traditions we would start with Gabriel. We thought of our own home filled with the smell of cookies, the joy Gabriel would have when we played up beat Christmas songs. His first time playing in the snow was a big one for me, I couldn't wait to take him sledding with his daddy! I wanted to sing him my favorite church hymns as I rocked him to sleep every night. Early in December was also the first time we felt him kick, he was so strong and Gary about jumped out of his skin with joy!

Every time we would go to my dads for dinner my little brother would run up to me and wrap one arm above my tummy and the other below it. He would say he was giving Gabriel a big hug.

I spent every other weekend over at my moms house with my sisters. We would all laugh and joke and get on each others nerves only to be laughing again shortly afterwards. I loved time over there! One night Gabriel was moving and I had Jaci come over and feel my tummy. He softly kicked her hand and I saw her eyes light up with love and awe, it was such a precious moment.

For my birthday Jaci made a ton of burp rags from old pajamas she had. It was all done on her brand new sewing machine which was so sweet. I keep them with all of the clothes we had received for Gabriel so I will have them to pass down.

Sami finally felt him move too! He seemed to enjoy being a ninja when she was around and her eyes were so wide with shock and joy.

I have tons of memories with Gary too, his sister made Gabriel a beautiful blanket that I sleep with sometimes. We can't wait to pass it down to a younger sibling!

Gary loved to read Gabriel Star Wars. It was amazing to see how crazy he would get just with the sound of Garys voice, he was such a daddy's boy!

Capture Your Grief, Day Twenty Seven

Day 27:Artwork
October 27,2012

My artwork is through my photography, it is through my writing. I enjoy capturing moments in time, because a moment only happens once. There may be similar sunsets, but they are not the same as the ones I've caught in these photos. We may have similar experiences in our life, but no two are the same. Photography is my passion, it is my inspiration and love. A picture is worth so much more than a thousand words, it is priceless. I love my pictures, I am constantly looking for new ways to bring awe and wonder to my photos. I love capturing more than scenery though, I love people. I prefer to be in the shadows though, I don't like the traditional group pictures. Ones filled with cheesy smiles and pretend happiness. No, give me a shrieking child splashing in the rain! Give me an intimate gaze shared between a couple. Give me real life, true smiles and laughs, true sadness and grief, true emotion.

Capture Your Grief, Day Twenty Six

Day 26:Age
October 26,2012

My forever baby, Gabriel Gimlin.

I've been looking up tons of new songs for Gabriels playlist on my phone. Music is so therapeutic to me, I absolutely love it! I have so many songs and it makes me smile with pride when I cone across a beautiful song that isn't extremely popular. I've been thinking a lot about Gabriels first year heavenly birthday. I thought I was pretty solid on what I wanted my plans to be, but now I am unsure. I am terrified of the day when we go to pick out his headstone, it will just seem so definite, so real....I don't know if I can handle it.

Many times I have found myself dwelling on my past and how I thought things would play out, but lately it has been a question of not why Gabriel died, but instead, what is my purpose now? If he has fulfilled Gods purpose in 38.5 weeks of life then what is Gods purpose for me? I feel like I should educate more people on the realities of child loss, stillbirth, and early miscarriage. I think the world is still casting a blind eye over the enormous community of angel parents we have. Despite the events, the walks, the awareness we are still to quiet. We need to be louder, we need to be recognized...but how? That is my latest prayer, what, my God, are you asking of me? What is my purpose in life?

Capture Your Grief, Day Twenty Five

Day 25: Baby Shower/Blessings
October 25,2012

While I was pregnant we didn't have a baby shower, we were going to wait until after the baby was born and some of our family members were in town for my sisters graduation...we didn't make it to that point. Instead I took a picture of most of the clothes that me, my mom and my sisters bought for Gabriel. Some of them are currently being used by my nephew Talin so they aren't all here but these outfits we are saving in case we conceive another baby.

Where do I even start with my blessings?

1) I was blessed in the fact that I got to hold my baby! I got to smell his skin, kiss his cheeks, touch his tiny feet. I have pictures with him and nine beautiful months of memories!

2) My mother in law brought up holy water from the church chapel. Even though the priest wouldn't come and baptize Gabriel, Gary and I with his mom and dad had our own little baptism. I really wish I had pictures of that.

3) I have an amazing husband who loves me, supports me, cries with me, snuggles with me and so much more. He is my rock, he is sweet and kind and always has been to me. He is one of the most important people in my life.

4) I am loved by my family. Even though they don't always know what to say or understand what I am going through they were there when I needed them and continue to be.

5) Gary and I have our own place, he has a secure job and with the help of his parents we are saving up for our own car!

I have so many, many blessings. God is good, I may struggle most days but right now in these moments I know that Gabriel fulfilled Gods purpose for him on earth.

Capture Your Grief, Day Twenty Four

Day 24:Siblings
October 24,2012

Surprisingly this subject really stroked a tender cord. I kept thinking about what God has planned for me, will there be more children? Will I be able to take my baby home from the hospital some day? The easy answer I keep hearing is "of course you will" or "everything will be fine" but who is to say it will? Only God knows if it is meant to be. I try to think of what greater purpose God had for Gabriel, he was brought into my life for a reason and I think I may be figuring it out. I may have mentioned this in a previous post or not but I would LOVE to make small "memory boxes" for women who have a miscarriage. I want to include a homemade bracelet, a penny attached to a card with the "Pennies from Heaven" story. I think it would be a beautiful way to give back to others who become a part of this chaotic club of grieving parents. There are a few other ideas I have too but this one is really at the top of my kind lately.

Capture Your Grief, Day Twenty Three

Day 23:Name/Photo
October 23,2012

This collage contains only some of my very precious photos from the few hours we got to spend with Gabriel.

Last night I was a wreck! I spent all day cleaning the house and realized just how much grief is taking a toll on my energy. I was exhausted and felt like I was eighty years old, it took me all day! Well, I got out a plastic zip up bag I keep all of Gabriels clothes in. I planned on putting a few burp rags my sister had made back in February so I could hold on to them. At some point the bag fell though, clothes and blankies toppled out onto the carpet. I grabbed a tigger blankie Gary and I had made for him and held on to it tightly. I remember sleeping with it for the longest time because I wanted him to smell his mommy when he was wrapped in it. All I could do now was hold it, I squeezed it to my chest and started to shake from my heavy sobs. Gary wrapped his arms around me and I screamed into that blanket, I shrieked and wanted to throw a tantrum like a child...but all I could do was scream and sob. Before long my arms were wrapped around all of his clothes, I felt the soft materials in my fingers, I never wanted to let go. Eventually though, Gary folded it all up and packed it away, I was so angry because all I wanted to do was hold it and sleep with it. Gary refused to let me though....it amazed me how a bag I pack away and don't look at often could have such an effect on me now. Why now?

Capture Your Grief, Day Twenty Two

Day 22: Place of Care
October 22,2012

Gabriel was born at Mercy hospital surrounded by our closest family members. The staff was really nice but the woman who sticks out in my mind the most is Starla. She was so compassionate and caring, I don't know what I would have done if she wasn't there to offer me such support and love. After I went home from the hospital the people that took the most care of me were my mother and sisters, along with Gary of course. They helped me get through the weekend, especially the funeral and afterwards I stayed with my mom for a while. I miss being there, surprisingly I miss those first few days. I miss holding him and kissing him, I miss my mom just wrapping her arms around me. I miss the numbness....because the pain of his seven month heavenly birthday is weighing heavy on me tonight. One more week, that is all we have.

Capture Your Grief, Day Twenty One

Day 21: Shrine/Sacred Place
October 21,2012

I wish I had more than a tiny shelf to keep more of Gabriels things displayed but for now this is what I have.

Today I was at the park with Gary as he was doing his larping (live action role playing). I normally spread out a blanket in the grass and lay there while writing to Gabriel in a blue journal I keep for him. I did this for a while but the breeze felt so beautiful. I watched the leafs dance across the wind, and I felt like the trees. Shedding the old pieces of me, becoming bare. I hope that after a long cold winter my soul can be like the trees in springtime, renewed. I just need my year....please, it may be longer but for now give me my first year to grieve.

Capture Your Grief, Day Twenty

Day 20: Charity/Organization
October 20,2012

Since losing our baby, M.E.N.D. has been the most helpful and compassionate place I feel safe. It is an amazing support group that meets once a month and I really don't know where my husband and I would be without the kind and wonderful families there. I hope that someday I can do more for this amazing organization and be a deeper part of it all!

For Gabriels first heavenly birthday I have been thinking a lot about ways to give back. I have thought about making special necklaces or bracelets to be included in the memory boxes given out at our local hospital. I have been thinking about shopping around for books for our local library and schools so I can donate them in Gabriels memory. I plan to ask my close friends and family not to send gifts or money or flowers around Gabriels birthday, but instead asking them to donate to M.E.N.D. in his memory.

I want to turn my pain and grief into something beautiful, I want to do something in Gabriels honor that will bring comfort to someone else. I would love to find a way to get an advocate program started for parents who are at the hospital when they lose their child. Someone to inform them of their rights, to be more of a friend that offers support. Calls the NILMDTS organization even. I want to do something good, I want something good to cone from the all to short of a life we had with Gabriel.

Capture Your Grief, Day Nineteen

Day 19: Project
October 19,2012

I haven't been able to do very many projects for Gabriel yet but I do plan on making a scrapbook sometime in the near future. I hope to include my pregnancy pictures, the ultrasounds, our pictures of him after the birth, the cards from the funeral and pictures from his monthly birthday. I know it may be huge, possibly full enough for two scrapbooks but what can I do? It is all I have of him.

I eventually want to start making things to donate to our local hospital for parents of miscarriage and stillborn babies. I would also like to get into the greeting card business and make a line of cards specifically for beareaved parents of infants, eventually it would include fathers day and mothers day cards too.

I guess I want to do things that honor Gabriel, things that bring healing or help in some way.

Capture Your Grief, Day Eighteen

Day 18: Family Portrait
October 18,2012

I have family pictures from that fateful day but I decided I wanted to share him in a different way. We are almost 7 months into our grief work, some days are extremely hard and others day I still feel numb and refuse to believe this is happening to us. I've been told by a few people lately that I need to remember the good times I had with Gabriel too, that if I don't I might lose the joy I did have with him. I know these things were said out of love and by people who are walking the same difficult path I am but it forced me to wonder, how can I remember when no one else wants to? I know everyone has said he will never be forgotten, and I believe that but no one seems to want to talk about their memories with him. What did they experience while I was pregnant? How can I remember the good when I feel like a burden when I even bring up his name? It sometimes feels like people hold their breath, in a way that they are bracing themselves for yet another conversation about our tragic loss. Every detail of his death and birth and funeral is burned into my very soul, sometimes I wish I could forget the horrible memories and remember him alive with all his kicking. I can't though...I am consumed by the "what ifs" and playing through every second of those days....I can't move forward. No matter how many days I tell myself to be happy, I don't. I feel like I am always behind a mask, even with some of my closest friends and family I can't show them I am weak. I don't have it in me to fall apart because I don't know if I would find a way back to reality...actually, I know I wouldn't. Most days I feel like a shell, an empty vessel where my soul and love has dimmed. I am still very much in shock, how could I survive this tragedy? How do I manage to laugh anymore? How do I continue to breathe when my very heart is broken?

Capture Your Grief, Day Seventeen

Day 17:Anniversary/birthday/due date
October 17,2012

The picture I chose for todays subject was one from shortly after Gabriels first month "birthday". To me, it is a reminder of the fact that not only did I lose a piece of my world, but so did my husband. It is a very powerful image, the love of a father is so strong but it isn't the normal picture of a dad playing ball with his son or holding him for the first time. It is a depth of love that only the pain and shock of losing your child can bring, it is my favorite.

Today was a very busy day for Gary and I. We were running from place to place. In the middle of the day we went to be with a beautiful and loving friend of ours who lost one of her daughters on this day a year ago. We had a picnic at a local cemetery in this amazing gazebo. It was a beautiful thing to be included in such an emotional day, it was just a small group of us though. We tried to find a grave of our M.E.N.D. chapter leaders son but had no such luck. As we were walking around the wind started to toss and wave the trees, leaves of all sorts of colors danced in the wind as the rain began to pour down. It was beautiful, breath taking even. The rain got harder though, it was freezing cold and raw. I felt torn to shreds but held together, I wanted to laugh but cry too. I wanted to scream to the wind and yet whisper soft quotes of love. I wanted to dance...the cold of it was raw, fresh. I felt exposed and vulnerable, yet safe. It was a beautiful experience that I have yet to understand the meaning of, but something inside me has shifted.

As we were driving to my dads I saw the sky ahead, dark and menacing as the storm moved on. It made me think of the just before....just before your life starts to fall apart, where the numb is holding you afloat. You see this ugly, dark storm brewing ahead of you, and you know that you have to go into it. You don't know if you will make it out, or if you will get lost. That storm...is grief.

Capture Your Grief, Day Sixteen

Day 16:Release
October 16,2012

One of my releases is to sometimes go volunteer at Convoy of Hope. It makes me feel like even though my contribution may be small it still could be enough to make someones day after they have been through a horrific tragedy. I remember being so thankful for the little things people did for me right after we lost Gabriel. One time I came home to find that my sister in law had done the dishes, it meant so much and was such a simple gesture. Lately I have been trying to find a way to turn my artistic ability into a release for my emotions. I want to make things and donate them to places that provide memory boxes to families that have lost children and babies.

Capture Your Grief, Day Fifteen

Day 15:Wave of Light
October 15,2012

Yesterday was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance day, it really held a lot of emotion for me. I couldn't help but think back to this time last year, we were living with Gary's parents and Gary was struggling with finding a job. We were pregnant and still managed to be completely absorbed in each others love. I wonder now, where is that love? Do you ever miss the type of love that is full of innocence, full of blind hope and makes you feel invincible? I sometimes do.

For the wave of light I posted a challenge to my Facebook friends and family asking them to light a candle from 7pm-8pm in memory of all the babies gone so soon. The response was so touching, to see some of my very closest friends and family post pictures on my wall of their candles. I enjoyed it so much, I even cried! I did my own candle to and took pictures, I even did some in memory of a few of my friends with candles lit in honor of their little ones.

I was worried how yesterday was going to be, it didn't start off the greatest. I was kind of gazing off into space when I noticed these blue baskets I had moved from Gary's parents house when we moved out. I had remembered buying them before Gabriel passing but that's about it. Suddenly I was back in time, I was rubbing my hands over the brand new sheets and blanket in his crib, I was feeling the soft blue diaper pad cover and then I was rolling up tiny sleepers and putting them in the blue baskets...it was the weekend before everything fell apart, it was Sunday night. It took my strength not to throw those baskets and scream like a maniac, it came out of nowhere.

Capture Your Grief, Day Fourteen

Day 14: Community
October 14,2012

The only community event I have been to was the M.E.N.D. breakfast and balloon release yesterday. We have another event coming up in December that I am looking forward too.

Today the silence has been extremely obvious and it has just been difficult. I busied myself with cleaning the house but even that couldn't distract me from knowing that my little one is missing from my life. I miss him so much, so so so so much....I can't believe that this is really how my life is going to be. I wish I could hold him, I wish I could kiss him, smell him, touch his soft brown hair. I wish I knew what color eyes he had, what his first word would be, what his laugh sounded like. I want to go back to last year, filled with joy and wonder instead of empty and hurting. No matter how many times I write this though, I know it won't happen...I know he can't come back but I wish he could.

Capture Your Grief, Day Thirteen

Day 13: Signs
October 13,2012

Today was the annual M.E.N.D. balloon release here in Springfield. I was so nervous about what to expect, what kind of emotions I would have, and all kinds of things were on my mind that kept sleep at bay. The other night I was thinking about buying a new necklace to replace the one I lost from Gary. (It is also pictured in my Jewellery Day for capture your grief) This necklace has been missing since we moved into our new place, I have searching for it for months and devastated that I lost such a precious item. All night I was thinking about how amazing it would be to wear it to the balloon release. Morning came swiftly and while I was getting ready I happend to look at my book shelf. Sitting there was a tiny gray jewellery box that holds a rosary and a crucifix necklace I got after my baptism. I don't go near this box, I haven't opened it in months because I am not at a point in my grief to pick up being religious again. Staring at it though I felt compelled to open the box, I didn't even realise what I was doing! But gently I opened the lid and sitting there was my beautiful necklace from Gary! My mouth fell open in shock as I picked it up with shaking hands. My voice squeaked as I called Gary to come there and tears were rolling down my face as I showed him what I found. I explained how I had been thinking about it all night. He smiled at me and said it was a sign from Gabriel that he was okay, that he was sending a special reminder to his mommy. I continued to cry, overwhelmed with shock, joy, amazement and wonder. It was to beautiful not to be a sign!

To say the least I had a beautiful start to my day!! The balloon release itself actually became more difficult than I thought it would be. It was an amazing ceremony though. When it came to writing my message to Gabriel I wanted to tell him everything, I wanted to fill every inch of space with I love yous and sweet words from a mothers heart. I truly believed this balloon was going to heaven! I kept it short though, trying not to get caught up in my emotions. Before long we had our messages written and we all made our way out to release them. As we did I wanted to grab mine back, I felt compelled to keep it forever and I didn't want to lose it...I didn't want to let it go. I forced myself to keep my hand at my side though. I watched them all go, Gary and I were the last ones to walk away as I cried heavily into his arms and chest. It reminded me of how Gabriel was so quickly gone, the balloon felt like my Gabriel! Here I was letting it go, never to see it again, only having pictures to remind me it happend. It was not how I expected to react at all. It was beautiful, but bitter sweet.

Capture Your Grief, Day Twelve

Day 12: Scents
October 12,2012

I have very few scents that bring up memories of Gabriel. One that I can not stand is the smell of hospital gowns. A month ago I was at my doctors office for a routine physical, he requested that I wear a gown. As I was waiting for him to come back into the room I started to have a panic attack because all of my memories from Gabriel came rushing back. Gary had to physically hold on to me to get me to focus even. Sometimes when I am in the shower the smell of my body wash reminds me of while I was pregnant. I remember rubbing my tummy and the early morning kicks as he was just waking up. For his funeral Gary requested we have white roses to lay on top of Gabriels casket. As I was riding with his family to the church for the service, I quickly called my mom and asked her to grab some beautiful, dark purple calla lilies that were in a flower arrangement at her house (I was staying with her at the time). I wish I had more memories with him though, I love the smell of newborns. I remember his smell very vaguely, from the first time holding him...I'm sure I won't smell it again till I give birth to another child though.

Capture Your Grief, Day Eleven

Day 11: Supportive People
October 11,2012

Here I am writing late again! I hope I can really get on track tomorrow. Today's picture is a collage of some of my most supportive family and friends, some days I don't know how I would make it through the day without them.

Today has been a rough day, I'm just so angry that our Gabriel is really gone ans there is nothing I can do about it! There is lightning and thunder outside and I just keep begging that it won't rain. I can't handle him being in the ground, he is supposed to be home with me!

Capture Your Grief, Day Ten

Day 10: Symbols
October 10,2012

The biggest symbol I have for Gabriel is monkeys, we used to call him our chunky monkey after we realised how chubby his cheeks were in a few of my ultrasounds, we bought blankets with monkeys on them and adorable outfits even. My biggest symbol for him is my tattoo, it is a reminder that I am a mother, that he existed. I love it so much and think it is absolutely beautiful.

Since I am a little late again and posting this on the 11th I thought I would go ahead and tell you about my day yesterday. I stayed up all night since my mom got a netflix account, I watched a documentary on death even. I specifically looked for an episode of The Secret Life of the American Teenager. It was one I had watched when I was pregnant, where Adrian loses her baby girl. I remember thinking when I had first watched that episode that that would never happen to me, that stillbirths were really rare....I wish I could go back in time and slap myself in the face for EVER thinking that! I was so naive....and looking back on it embarrasses me even. While watching the episode the other night though I found myself getting choked up when Bens dad is telling everyone that the baby passed away. He was crying and it made me think of my dad.

Before long I found myself imagining what it must have been like for everyone else that day. What was it like for Gary's dad to hear the shattered voice of his son calling to tell him the news? What was it like for my mom to be settling down into bed after a long night of work when she got one of the worst calls of her life? What was it like for my dad to get the call from my mom that everything wasn't okay? What was it like for Garys mom who was in a massage exchange and planned on a relaxing day? What was it like for my stepmom getting the call at work? What was it like for our siblings who had spent a normal day at school only to come home and find out such devastating news? I asked these questions over and over again, before long my heart was aching for all of them too. It amazes me how a single moment can halt time, can toss you like a rag doll into a tornado.

After it built up I found myself crying in the shower, I was sitting in the tub with the hot water pounding against me and my heart was breaking over and over. Tears were falling hard and fast, I moaned in pain and agony until Gary came and rescued me. He pulled me up as I asked repeatedly, "why our baby?" We laid on the couch, him listening to everything I had beat myself up over. I still can't believe this is happening to me....

Capture Your Grief, Day Nine

Day 9: Someplace Special
October 9,2012

It is a little after midnight and so I am posting this a tad bit behind. My special place is in the comforting arms of my best friend and true love, Gary. I have always found a sense of safety when he holds on to me closely. While I was pregnant with Gabriel he would cozy up to me, slip one arm under my head and the other arm would prospectively wrap around my bulging tummy. Most nights I couldn't sleep unless we were in this position. I always felt invincible, like no one could harm our baby and me as long as Gary was around. After we lost Gabriel and I had given birth we were moved to a recovery room away from the maternity ward (thankfully). We had said our final goodbyes and it was getting to he pretty late, after midnight. The nurse was so kind and gave the okay for Gary to slip into bed with me. We held on to each other, the world falling apart around us but we were together, entwined together to form one strong being. We drifted off after the exhausting day, safe for the few hours we had.

Even now I find comfort in his arms, when I am falling apart he holds me together and when he is breaking I step up to the plate. I don't know if we could survive without each other...