Capture Your Grief, Day Seventeen

Day 17:Anniversary/birthday/due date
October 17,2012

The picture I chose for todays subject was one from shortly after Gabriels first month "birthday". To me, it is a reminder of the fact that not only did I lose a piece of my world, but so did my husband. It is a very powerful image, the love of a father is so strong but it isn't the normal picture of a dad playing ball with his son or holding him for the first time. It is a depth of love that only the pain and shock of losing your child can bring, it is my favorite.

Today was a very busy day for Gary and I. We were running from place to place. In the middle of the day we went to be with a beautiful and loving friend of ours who lost one of her daughters on this day a year ago. We had a picnic at a local cemetery in this amazing gazebo. It was a beautiful thing to be included in such an emotional day, it was just a small group of us though. We tried to find a grave of our M.E.N.D. chapter leaders son but had no such luck. As we were walking around the wind started to toss and wave the trees, leaves of all sorts of colors danced in the wind as the rain began to pour down. It was beautiful, breath taking even. The rain got harder though, it was freezing cold and raw. I felt torn to shreds but held together, I wanted to laugh but cry too. I wanted to scream to the wind and yet whisper soft quotes of love. I wanted to dance...the cold of it was raw, fresh. I felt exposed and vulnerable, yet safe. It was a beautiful experience that I have yet to understand the meaning of, but something inside me has shifted.

As we were driving to my dads I saw the sky ahead, dark and menacing as the storm moved on. It made me think of the just before....just before your life starts to fall apart, where the numb is holding you afloat. You see this ugly, dark storm brewing ahead of you, and you know that you have to go into it. You don't know if you will make it out, or if you will get lost. That storm...is grief.