Capture Your Grief, Day Eighteen

Day 18: Family Portrait
October 18,2012

I have family pictures from that fateful day but I decided I wanted to share him in a different way. We are almost 7 months into our grief work, some days are extremely hard and others day I still feel numb and refuse to believe this is happening to us. I've been told by a few people lately that I need to remember the good times I had with Gabriel too, that if I don't I might lose the joy I did have with him. I know these things were said out of love and by people who are walking the same difficult path I am but it forced me to wonder, how can I remember when no one else wants to? I know everyone has said he will never be forgotten, and I believe that but no one seems to want to talk about their memories with him. What did they experience while I was pregnant? How can I remember the good when I feel like a burden when I even bring up his name? It sometimes feels like people hold their breath, in a way that they are bracing themselves for yet another conversation about our tragic loss. Every detail of his death and birth and funeral is burned into my very soul, sometimes I wish I could forget the horrible memories and remember him alive with all his kicking. I can't though...I am consumed by the "what ifs" and playing through every second of those days....I can't move forward. No matter how many days I tell myself to be happy, I don't. I feel like I am always behind a mask, even with some of my closest friends and family I can't show them I am weak. I don't have it in me to fall apart because I don't know if I would find a way back to reality...actually, I know I wouldn't. Most days I feel like a shell, an empty vessel where my soul and love has dimmed. I am still very much in shock, how could I survive this tragedy? How do I manage to laugh anymore? How do I continue to breathe when my very heart is broken?