Capture Your Grief, Day Thirteen

Day 13: Signs
October 13,2012

Today was the annual M.E.N.D. balloon release here in Springfield. I was so nervous about what to expect, what kind of emotions I would have, and all kinds of things were on my mind that kept sleep at bay. The other night I was thinking about buying a new necklace to replace the one I lost from Gary. (It is also pictured in my Jewellery Day for capture your grief) This necklace has been missing since we moved into our new place, I have searching for it for months and devastated that I lost such a precious item. All night I was thinking about how amazing it would be to wear it to the balloon release. Morning came swiftly and while I was getting ready I happend to look at my book shelf. Sitting there was a tiny gray jewellery box that holds a rosary and a crucifix necklace I got after my baptism. I don't go near this box, I haven't opened it in months because I am not at a point in my grief to pick up being religious again. Staring at it though I felt compelled to open the box, I didn't even realise what I was doing! But gently I opened the lid and sitting there was my beautiful necklace from Gary! My mouth fell open in shock as I picked it up with shaking hands. My voice squeaked as I called Gary to come there and tears were rolling down my face as I showed him what I found. I explained how I had been thinking about it all night. He smiled at me and said it was a sign from Gabriel that he was okay, that he was sending a special reminder to his mommy. I continued to cry, overwhelmed with shock, joy, amazement and wonder. It was to beautiful not to be a sign!

To say the least I had a beautiful start to my day!! The balloon release itself actually became more difficult than I thought it would be. It was an amazing ceremony though. When it came to writing my message to Gabriel I wanted to tell him everything, I wanted to fill every inch of space with I love yous and sweet words from a mothers heart. I truly believed this balloon was going to heaven! I kept it short though, trying not to get caught up in my emotions. Before long we had our messages written and we all made our way out to release them. As we did I wanted to grab mine back, I felt compelled to keep it forever and I didn't want to lose it...I didn't want to let it go. I forced myself to keep my hand at my side though. I watched them all go, Gary and I were the last ones to walk away as I cried heavily into his arms and chest. It reminded me of how Gabriel was so quickly gone, the balloon felt like my Gabriel! Here I was letting it go, never to see it again, only having pictures to remind me it happend. It was not how I expected to react at all. It was beautiful, but bitter sweet.