Capture Your Grief, Day Eight

Day 8: Jewellery
October 8,2012

In the jewellery picture I have three necklaces, the first one (in the top right hand corner) is one that Gary bought me for christmas last year. I was still pregnant then and after Gabriel passed away we both found the piece to be very fitting for our situation. A mother holding a her child in a heart, Gabriel will now always be in my heart! The one underneath it is a necklace sent to us from my friends Drew and Sammy in Arizona. It arrived within a couple weeks of Gabriels death and has been an item I treasure and wear often. The large bottom disc says "some only dream of angels, we held one in our arms." It also has a disc with his name on it and a blue crystal for his birthday month. The last necklace is one Gary bought me for my first mothers day, the words are so perfect and he swears that Gabriel helped pick it out because it was so fitting as well.

For my other picture, it was taken after we found out we were expecting Gabriel. This is NOT part if the project but I have been dwelling on this picture for a few hours now. I am angry at the girl in this picture! She is so full of life, she is absolutely beautiful with happiness....but if only she knew what the future held. If only she knew there would be no baby to bring home. If only she knew that all the clothes and diapers, the crib, the carseat, the stroller....she wouldn't need it. I just want to slap the smile off her face to be honest! It makes me so angry, was my hopes and dreams for Gabriel not good enough? Am I only meant to be a grieving mother? Why does God or the universe or whoever keep throwing all these obstacles at Gary and I? Why us? Why not us? Why can't I have ky Gabriel? What was so fucking wrong with him that I had to just lay him down and walk away?? I had to walk away from my baby! I had to leave him at the cemetery...I didn't want to leave him.....I want him HOME, I want him in my ARMS!! I want him crying and laughing and crawling....I just want him. Instead, I am destined for heart break, my life is a shattered mess. No matter how hard I beg, how loud I scream, how many tears I cry....he won't come back.....he will never be back....