Capture Your Grief, Day Five

Day 5: Memorial
October 5,2012
Today was to capture the things you have done in memory of our baby. Where do I even begin? Gary and I have been doing small little things for weeks now. Our biggest celebration of Gabriel's life so far is his monthly birthdays. Every month on the 29th we go out to the cemetery and do something special for our baby boy. We started doing it every month for at least the first year to represent all the little milestones we were missing out on, but now we are considering keeping it a tradition even past his first birthday. In April my Grandma Mary and Grandpa Ray were in town. They celebrated Gabriel's first month birthday with us and brought rocks from Oregon from each of my cousins. In jewish tradition you bring rocks to the grave of those who passed. In early May Gary and I both got our own memorial tattoos that my Grandparents paid for as well. Later in May, my grandma Karen and Grandpa Bernie came to town for my sisters graduation, my uncle Jeff and aunt Margaret accompanied them too. We went out to the cemetery and brought balloons and flowers and a tiny bear. My grandpa also read hebrew prayers over Gabriel, it was very touching. In July we took out sparklers and a roman candle to shoot off with Gabriel. Gary's grandparents also were in town and went to visit with us and Gabriel. We spent memorial day, mothers day and Fathers day with our baby too. It has been a very emotional six months to say the least.

Gary came home earlier seeming to be a little off. Before long he admitted that on his lunch break all he could do was stare at the background of his phone (a picture of him holding Gabriel). It didn't take long for me to realize he probably didn't have the greatest of days and suddenly he was crying. "I miss my Gabriel"
I pulled him to our bed where I held him, his shoulders shook with heavy sobs as he held onto a picture of Gabriel and him. In that moment I was beyond angry with God, I was upset that we had to endure this pain, that my husband was hurting and falling apart but there is no way to fix it...I can't fix it! And it hurts! It's unfair!