Capture Your Grief, Day Ten

Day 10: Symbols
October 10,2012

The biggest symbol I have for Gabriel is monkeys, we used to call him our chunky monkey after we realised how chubby his cheeks were in a few of my ultrasounds, we bought blankets with monkeys on them and adorable outfits even. My biggest symbol for him is my tattoo, it is a reminder that I am a mother, that he existed. I love it so much and think it is absolutely beautiful.

Since I am a little late again and posting this on the 11th I thought I would go ahead and tell you about my day yesterday. I stayed up all night since my mom got a netflix account, I watched a documentary on death even. I specifically looked for an episode of The Secret Life of the American Teenager. It was one I had watched when I was pregnant, where Adrian loses her baby girl. I remember thinking when I had first watched that episode that that would never happen to me, that stillbirths were really rare....I wish I could go back in time and slap myself in the face for EVER thinking that! I was so naive....and looking back on it embarrasses me even. While watching the episode the other night though I found myself getting choked up when Bens dad is telling everyone that the baby passed away. He was crying and it made me think of my dad.

Before long I found myself imagining what it must have been like for everyone else that day. What was it like for Gary's dad to hear the shattered voice of his son calling to tell him the news? What was it like for my mom to be settling down into bed after a long night of work when she got one of the worst calls of her life? What was it like for my dad to get the call from my mom that everything wasn't okay? What was it like for Garys mom who was in a massage exchange and planned on a relaxing day? What was it like for my stepmom getting the call at work? What was it like for our siblings who had spent a normal day at school only to come home and find out such devastating news? I asked these questions over and over again, before long my heart was aching for all of them too. It amazes me how a single moment can halt time, can toss you like a rag doll into a tornado.

After it built up I found myself crying in the shower, I was sitting in the tub with the hot water pounding against me and my heart was breaking over and over. Tears were falling hard and fast, I moaned in pain and agony until Gary came and rescued me. He pulled me up as I asked repeatedly, "why our baby?" We laid on the couch, him listening to everything I had beat myself up over. I still can't believe this is happening to me....