New Years Eve

Here we are, standing on the edge of 2013 and just about falling head first into the new year.

Last year when I stood here it was terrifying. Gabriel's first heavenly birthday was on the horizon and with the welcoming of new beginnings I also worried that my precious baby would be forgotten. It was the last year he had been alive and the only one he ever would be. As you can imagine, thinking about moving forward held a significant amount of pain, especially as I watched the minutes crawl towards midnight. I didn't believe I would survive another moment....but here I am.

So, what has my year been like? It has been peppered with moments of amazement and awe, sprinkled with love, and even had a dash of heart break here and there. I've been blessed by family and friends, and I've been hurt by others. I not only survived, I learned to live again! I experienced a true and heartfelt laugh after months of robotic motions. I had my very first out-of-state vacation with my husband and even survived an entire semester of college. To top it off, I've lost 18 pounds in the last few months with some simple diet changes. We even welcomed an unexpected fur baby into our lives. Overall, I had nothing to be scared of when it came to 2013.

I have high hopes for 2014, but this year I won't be writing any resolutions. I feel it works out better that way :-)

If you're up for a challenge, I encourage you to keep a "blessings" jar. Every day, or whenever you get the time too, write down something positive that happened and stick the piece of paper into the jar. If you prefer, you can do a wish collection or a combination of both. On New Years Eve of 2014, read everything you wrote down and see all the good things that happened during the year. I started this last year but didn't keep up with it. This year I plan too!

Happy New Year to all of you!

Our Second Heavenly Christmas

The Holiday season is almost over and surprisingly this year has been better than last. Christmas Eve was probably the most painful night I've had in a while. I couldn't imagine spending the next morning with my family and Gabriel not being there to open presents. We did, however, end up spending Christmas morning out at the cemetery. It was chilly, but a beautiful morning nonetheless. As we walked up to his grave, I saw that someone had tied a small bag to his Christmas Tree. It was addressed: "To Mom and Dad, Love Gabe". There are no words to describe the amount of love and shock I felt that someone would do such an amazing thing for us. We also had a special package from Gabriel's Godmother that had strict instructions not to open till Christmas morning.

We opened our family gifts. The we opened Gabriel's special package. Inside was a beautiful handmade hat from my friend Tabitha. It was gray and pink, with a little blue ribbon that had angel wings. I couldn't believe how beautiful it was! Next I pulled out a handmade Gingerbread man, but not just any Gingerbread man! This adorable gift made with such love and tenderness came with its own little halo and angel wings!!!! Can I just say, the tears wouldn't stop! Included was tear-jerking letter written just for my precious Angel.

In the package attached to the tree was a DVD for Gary, Despicable Me 2. And I received a beautiful pendant that was golden with the words "Mom" on it. I loved it! How much more could I be blessed?

I pray that your Holiday season has been blessed this year, even if this is your first Christmas,  or your fiftieth without you precious child. I pray that you have a year of blessings and love, and even in the moments of grief you will remember to take it one breath at a time. Peace and love to all of you!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Kida

It's been a while since I made a post. I admit that I am pretty disappointed that I never finished Project Heal. School has kept me busy, along with other family commitments but hopefully I can make a better effort on keeping up with Gabriel's blog.

So, where do I begin?

My husband and I adopted an adorable puppy from our local humane society. It all started just over a month ago. She was a stray that bolted across the road in front of our car and then followed me home from the mail box. I have a big heart for the strays around my apartment complex, most of the times we have cats wandering around like crazy but she was the first dog we had seen in the neighborhood. We pet her and she licked us like crazy. Occasionally she would wander off but always came back to our front porch. Before long we ended up feeding her and she somehow made it inside and was sleeping on our couch. All I could do was stare at her! And then my husband named her (the worst thing you can do if your unsure if you can afford a dog!) We knew we couldn't keep her, so we dropped her off at the humane society. As we pulled away she looked up at me with begging eyes and I. lost. it. I was crying harder than I have cried in months, begging my husband to go back but we couldn't. We were worried she was might be sick, she was starved and neither one of us had a job to support her. But, one thing led to another and we brought her home with a clean bill of health. The first night she had come in to the house she had laid her head next to Gabriel's memory box and I knew she was the one for us.

Since then she has been a joy, and a little bit of a hassle but we are making things work. She loves to be outside and since she requires so much activity I have already started to lose weight! She has brought more happiness in our lives these last few weeks than I could have ever imagined.

Capture Your Grief Days Day 10 & 11

Somehow I've ended up a little behind so it is time to place catch up!

Day 10: Beliefs
October 10,2013

In all honesty, I was never really raised in any particular religious setting. It's been an indescribably difficult journey to find any feeling of faith. Most days I don't even know if I believe in anything. It isn't because I don't want to! I wish sooooo bad I had the faith I see in a lot of my friends but it just doesn't seem to work out for me. My biggest prayer, either to God or the universe or whoever is out there listening, is that I will truly be able to see Gabriel again someday and be aware of it. If there is a heaven, I don't know what it will be like. I've spent hours hoping I will see my family in heaven and we can be happy together.

Day 11: Emotional Triggers
October 11,2013

Sometimes I think it would be amazing if someone would hand me a cheat sheet warning me of potential emotional triggers. Maybe even a detailed map would be nice! There are times when it is extremely obvious why I am a hot mess, and there are other time when the wind seems to blow in the wrong direction and suddenly I am in tears!! Grief. It's crazy I'm telling you!

Capture Your Grief Day 8

Day 8: Colors
October 8,2013

This post is a day late but the colors I associate with baby Gabe are blue and green. Blue, of course, is a traditional color for baby boys. Over time it has become one of my favorite colors, especially since Gabriel's passing. The second color is green. This is a favorite of Gary's and Gabriel's Aunt Sami. We actually chose to do his nursery colors in a combination of both colors.

Capture Your Grief Day 9

Day 9: Music
October 9,2013

I have tons of songs that I have listened to while on this grief journey. Some have been amazing for encouragement, especially on days when the pain seems so strong. Others have been good when I needed to let the tears fall and relieve the bottled up feelings deep inside. Music has always been an extremely powerful influence in my life, often times explaining how I feel so I don't have too. Of course you can see a list of my favorites right here on my blog, you never know what might speak to you.

Capture Your Grief Day 7

Day 7: You Now
October 7,2013

Where are you in your grief right now?

For once I finally feel like  am in a good place, and what's even better is that I can think about those words and know it is true. I have my days of course, and sometimes they last a week or two, but even looking back, I am thankful to be moving out of early grief. Even a few months ago I was lying in bed almost every day, the pain and depression took a heavy toll on me. Some days though, I miss being that person only because it was easy. It was easier to be sad and hide away from the world then put myself out there. In the safety of my bed I knew I wouldn't hear about who was pregnant and there was no one asking me how many children I had. I didn't have to worry about holding it together, and I could feel what I needed to feel without judgment. But...I lost the ability to love passionately and openly. I grew so accustomed to safe that I developed social anxiety. I felt like if I wasn't in pain then I wasn't loving Gabriel enough, and it felt like no one could understand that. I would get asked why I was crying, even my family members would get frustrated when the tears seemed to fall for now reason. To me it was obvious, every tear since March 2012 has been for one person, my Gabriel.

What I didn't realize was how far I had fallen until my trip to Oregon this summer. The first time I laughed, and I mean genuinely laughed, it caught me off guard. I wasn't use to feeling so happy, and I waited for the guilt and pain that I knew would come. And when I was still laughing, and there was still no pain, I wanted to cry from relief. I had forgotten what it was like to be human.

How are you feeling?

I am feeling wonderful! I started going to school in August, and even though I haven't made any friends it is a welcomed change to be out of the house. I also got an email today that my background check cleared for volunteer work at one of our local hospitals. Starting next week I will be helping out in the maternity ward, which is exactly where I had requested to be!

How far have you come?

I feel I've come so far, but I also know that I will never be "done" grieving. I focus on taking it day by day, if I have a hard day then I try to wake up the next day with a smile and a positive attitude. I never imagined making it past the first year, and yet here I am!

Are you wrestling with anything?

At times I still wrestle with an amazing amount of guilt towards Gabriel's death. And there are even days that I feel crushed and guilty for being so happy. I also recently found out some news that has me feeling thankful and beyond happy but also borderline jealous. It's just one of those things that I know will end in nothing but joy and amazement.

Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

It depends on the day. Some are harder than others, but I think overall there is a change that I hope other people see too.

Capture Your Grief Day 6

Day 6: Ritual
October 6,2013

Until recently my ritual was spending one day a month (on the 29th) buying flowers and little toys to bring out to Gabriel. We called them his "monthly birthdays". It helped me for a long time, but recently it has brought me more pain than comfort. I don't really have any kind of rituals right now. I know this is my second year participating in the Capture Your Grief project, which in a way, I feel is a yearly ritual. I know that on October 15th I will be lighting a candle in baby Gabe's memory, and I will be going to both the M.E.N.D. balloon release and Christmas candle light ceremony again this year. I guess recently my greatest way to remember Gabriel is by living each day as happy as I can. I've spent so long being sad and hurting that even after a hard day I try to start the next day with a smile and a clean slate. So far, surprisingly, it is really working for me!

Capture Your Grief Day 5

Day 5: Memory
October 5, 2013

How convenient that todays subject turned out to be memories! I have actually spent most of the day thinking back on my pregnancy and reminiscing on the beautiful and painful moments. When I think of Gabriel, the first thing that always comes to mind is the sound of his strong heartbeat. During the times I had to stay over-night at the hospital, what really got me through without panicking was being hooked up and being able to hear him. Of course being in the hospital while you're pregnant can be terrifying, but it is an odd comfort to be able to fall asleep listening to your infants beating heart. The next memory that comes to mind though, is not nearly as peaceful. I remember everything that happened the morning we found out Gabriel was gone. What sticks out to me most though was the final ultrasound. We were there, looking up at this black screen and the only thing showing was our sons silhouette. There was no movement, no beating heart in his chest. I remember feeling sick and being angry that we were even looking at him like this. It felt like an invasion of privacy. It was a haunting moment that gave nothing but pain and questions that couldn't be answered. Sometimes I close my eyes and see every detail of his still body on that screen. Of course with the holidays just around the corner, I have been dreaming about those days. Just before Halloween Gary finally was able to come to an appointment where we could hear Gabriel's heartbeat. I don't think I've seen a bigger smile! It even looked like his eyes were going to pop out from all the excitement. The day before Thanksgiving we found out we were having a son and I was soooooo mad! lol. I thought for sure we were having a girl! But, the next day on Thanksgiving I was even angrier that I couldn't pig out on all the amazing food my mom had made. I was becoming full of baby! And Christmas...just the excitement and love in the air around me was beautiful in itself.

Tonight I've been thinking a lot. We are coming up on two years...this year we will miss what would be his second Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. How? Has it truly been so long since I held my perfect little boy? I don't even want to think about his second heavenly birthday and what I'm going to do to celebrate. Life is going by so fast, and it amazes me that somehow we are at this point. I used to think I would never survive past the first year, and here I am.

Capture Your Grief Day 4

Day 4: Legacy
October 4,2013

It took most of the day for me to try and figure out what Gabriel's legacy is, but I truly believe he taught me how to love unconditionally. He taught me how to dream, and brought a form of joy to my life that I had never experienced. Without him, I wouldn't be a mother, I wouldn't understand the value in the words 'I love you'. He taught me how to slow down and to appreciate the blessings I have in this lifetime. He is my greatest gift! While I was pregnant, it felt like he brought my family and I closer. We laughed more and fought less. I can't even begin to place a value on those 38 weeks, and I can't explain all that he taught me and showed me. Even though he is in heaven, his memory is what pushes me to be a better person. My son gave me life, he gave me a purpose. How can I not be grateful for that?

Capture Your Grief Day 3

Day 3: Myth
October 3, 2013

Almost immediately after our loss, someone mentioned that Gary and I should start going to therapy because "most marriages end in divorce if you lose your baby. "When we finally did start talking to a psychiatrist, even he promptly dismissed the claim saying,"It was something said such a long time ago and it's been passed down through the ages. There really isn't any data to support that."
Gary and I have had our issues, of course, but you can't expect perfection out of two broken hearted parents! Men and women grieve differently, and it isn't easy to find a balance when you have no experience handling such a tragedy. (Plus I don't believe there is really a way to prepare yourself to lose your baby.) What works for one person may not work for the other, and there are so many factors that play into how people handle grief! But, if you can find a way to make it work, I think you would be amazed and how strong you become. And I know, sometimes there is no way to make it work.

Capture Your Grief Day 2

Day 2: Identity
October 2,2013

What is your child's name?
Gabriel David Gimlin

Why did you chose that name?
 Before Gary and I were even seriously considering having a child, we both knew we absolutely loved the name Gabriel. It just seemed like a strong, handsome and, of course, a very biblical name. His middle name is passed down through the family. I thought it was so cute that Gabriel would share the same middle name and initials as his Daddy!

What is the meaning of their name?
I actually never looked up the meaning of Gabriel's name until after he had passed, but I believe we were guided to choose his name for a reason. The Hebrew meaning of the name Gabriel is "strong man of God" and the Hebrew meaning of his middle name, David, is "beloved". I couldn't believe how perfect his name is! Especially for a precious child of God!

What were their features?
There was no argument as we looked at our precious angel for the first time, he was my son! lol. He looked just like me, with my nose and chin. Of course he had his Daddy's eye shape and his broad shoulders. But the cutest thing was the fact that his little toes curled up a little just like mine do. Talk about adorable!

Who are they?
As you can tell, he is my son but Gabriel has the most perfect Daddy in the entire world! He also has four Aunts that loved and adored him beyond belief! Three Uncles, one of which could not wait to teach little Gabe all about sports. He has five cousins, three of them are little boys and one little girl! The other cousin is still unknown :-) He has three sets of grandparents, four great grandmas and three great grandpas. And one great, great grandma! To say the least, this little boy is so loved! Gabriel was also a Daddy's boy all the way. Everytime Gary came home from work, our little guy would be kicking up a storm the minute he heard Daddy's voice! He loved to dance to music too. Oh, and his all time favorite kind of bed time stories were Star Wars related, but that could also be because Daddy was always reading them to him. He was such an active little one, and perfect, perfect beyond measure.

 

*Questions from CarlyMarie Day 2 Prompt. 

Capture Your Grief Day 1

It is that time of year again, and I am so ready to participate in the CarlyMarie Capture Your Grief month! I still can't believe it has been a year since I had my first experience with such an amazing project. If you are never heard of Capture Your Grief or you are just looking for the list of this years photo subjects, please follow the link below.
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-october-2013.html
You can also become a art of the public event through Facebook.

Day 1: Sunrise
October 1,2013

I woke up bright and early after only a few hours of sleep with every anticipation of capturing the most beautiful and perfect sunrise I could. Groggy and exhausted I made my way to the front door only to be greeted by thick fog clinging to the sky. At first I was convinced it would clear up, I mean come on, how could this be any way to start the day? To my disappointment, it didn't clear up and hope quickly turned to frustration which then quickly escalated and had me on the verge of tears. I snapped a few pictures despite my anger and slammed my front door as I made my way back inside. Snuggled back under the covers I inhaled deeply, what in the world was I to do with an ugly gray sky? As I exhaled I decided to try and find some way that this fit into my own grief journey. After a few more inhales, exhales and exasperated sighs, it came to me. Even though there are times that grief (the fog) is hanging over me, I know behind that there is still happiness and joy (the sun) rising up within me. Just because I couldn't see the sun rising this morning, doesn't mean it didn't happen. And just like grief may put a shadow over the happiness I feel most of the time, it doesn't mean that one bad day is going to destroy the progress and healing I have accomplished. 

 

 

Cracked

Grief. It will always be a part of me, and there are plenty of times I wish my heart wasn't on my sleeve. Yesterday I realized Gabriel would be eighteen months old...and I can't say it out loud without a painful lump forming in my throat. I want to hold him so bad, and normally I would say "just one more time" but NO, I want it to be forever! I want messy little handprints on my walls, I want sloppy kisses...but I didn't get the chance to have him here. I don't understand how this is fair, and deep down I know I won't ever understand why he had to go but I wish things had worked out the way I wanted! I would be a great mom, but now I'm stuck with this gaping hole in my heart. I can't stay here in Missouri, I need to GO!!! People have told me that happiness is where you make it and that if I put the effort into it, I could be happy here. It seems accurate but going to Oregon this last summer only confirmed my belief that staying in this town will do nothing for me. I try so hard to carry over the genuine feelings of happiness and love and peace that I found in Oregon....and some days I feel like it is impossible. There is this amazing amount of guilt every time I don't go to the cemetery or I don't mention him when someone asks me if I have children. I carry around this baggage, and every time I try to rise above the pain I end up accumulating more reasons to feel guilty and angry and hurt. I am sick of this idea that somehow Gabriel dieing was a part of a greater and better plan, how can anything good come from the death of someone so innocent???? And I'm falling apart, I'm trying not to but pieces of me are just chipping away. I want to be happy, I deserve to be fucking happy and okay but somehow I ended up tossed in a storm and expected to be this strong person that can get through this....and maybe eighteen months counts for something, all the seconds and hours and minutes and days I have had to survive since he went away. But I don't really get a choice, do I? I don't get to say,"hey, I don't think I can handle this anymore, can I just have my son back?" No angel is going to knock on my door and place Gabriel in my arms! I'm in this for the REST of my LIFE!!! And somehow I have to find a balance between remembering him and not allowing his death to consume me. And I hate it! I hate being here without him because nothing I say or do can make it better. I just have to suck it up and push forward even though I have no idea what I'm pushing towards. I'll never get over him, there is no reward for having to bear such a painful burden.

Just A Cry

You know what? I'm just going to put it out there....I MISS MY BABY!!! This may seem very obvious, why else would I have a blog dedicated to my grief journey? It is so much more than that though. When I first came home from Oregon I felt amazing, wonderful, passionate about life and all of it's opportunities....but the longer I seem to stay in this town it almost feels like I am trying too hard to be 'okay' and 'better'. I feel like one tiny slip up and someone will point out that I haven't truly healed or some ridiculous accusation about how I am supposed to grieve. Now that I'm writing it out I'm more angry at myself that I let unrealistic fears control my life. But really, I just want someone to tell me,"Hey! It's okay if you cry, scream, rage and anything else you want to do when you are having a tough day." Sometimes I miss those comforting hugs from people who get it, people who understand the pain. I miss Gabriel so much, I can't stop thinking about how grown he would be right now! It's KILLING ME! I keep telling myself to be strong and that everything is okay and I truly do believe that...I just want some time to cry again. Maybe even a day to cuddle in bed with his blankie and play with the day dreams. I know my future holds amazing and beautiful things...I'm just terrified of leaving him behind somehow.

Where I Need To Be

It's been a little bit since I have had the chance to make a post. School has kept me busy and before I know it, I will be starting volunteer work at the hospital! So, before I got home I had told myself (while I was still in Oregon) that I would no longer go out to the cemetery on the 29th of each month. It was easy to stick to this plan while I was half a country away...but sitting in class on August 29th turned out to be more difficult than I had originally anticipated! All I could think about was how badly I wanted to buy flowers and spend the day searching for the perfect "little boy toy". There were times I would slip into day dreams of Gabriel smiling down as I laid next to his tiny grave and told him how loved he was. But, despite the temptation, I didn't allow myself to go out there. It's not that I don't want to see him or visit where he physically lays. I don't want to forget him or leave him behind in my life. I have no problem going out once a month, it just can't be the 29th. Maybe that is me giving a day more thought than I should but for over a year I have celebrated monthly birthdays every 29th day. Every 29th I would do something, anything, just to remember my boy! (Like I could ever forget such a perfect baby?) But what once brought comfort was turning into pain, a sticky web that left me counting the months since he had left and causing me to become more and more torn up about his death. I recognize that I needed these monthly birthdays for a while, I recognize that they have played an important and beautiful part in my grief journey...but I also know that I am moving into the next phase of my grief. I still have my hard days, and the tears occasionally soak my pillow but I wake up in the morning thankful for what I do have. Gabriel is my son, my handsome baby in heaven...but I can't let grief eat away at me any more. I don't want to give the pain the satisfaction of stealing away my beautiful smile. I didn't know until recently just how much I missed laughing, genuinely laughing! I forgot what it was like to kiss and feel safe in the strong arms of my spouse. I forgot myself! I've been so caught up in hurting every second of every day in order to keep Gabriels memory alive and fresh...but all it did was keep the memory of his passing at the forefront of my mind.
Wherever you are in your grief, it's probably where you need to be, and I promise you will know when it is time to move into the next phase of your grief journey.

Three Days

The other night I dreamt that I was screaming out and crying for Gabriel...as it turns out, it wasn't a dream. According to Gary, I was in hysterics. He told me I was looking for baby Gabe and confused where I was...I vaguely remember a dull ache in my heart but that is about it. I haven't had a dream like this in almost a year....and I keep wondering why? Why now? Is it because of this new chapter in my life? Later, the day after this fitful mess, I ended up driving to the cemetery. As I was talking to my husband all I could do was beat the steering wheel and say how I didn't want to go to the cemetery...I was just being dragged there. I ended up belly down in the grass in front of Gabriels grave, bawling my eyes out and telling him how sorry I was. I'm not even sure what I was sorry for!!
In leas than three days I start school. I have been extremely happy and excited to be going back but now suddenly I am terrified to step foot in those halls. Doubt is scratching at the door. I don't know how to chase it away! I don't know what words will get me through this! Three out of four classes are spent in the same hall I was in while Gabriel was alive...but I'm not trying to find every little sign anymore. I don't want to be such a mess but these last few days have been longing for my home in Oregon. I can't let this grief steal my happiness, I don't want to give it another minute of my life! I know I have to, I know I will still cry somedays and the hole in my heart is forever open...but for once, can I have something for me? Can I please not have to fight these emotions so much and just be happy?

Tripped

I don't know what is wrong with me today! I've been great, I've laughed and had an amazing dinner with my sisters at my moms house....yet my skin just isn't so thick today. This afternoon I just wanted to cuddle up with my little boy and smother him with kisses...but I can't. Then I get home, check the mail and there is this STUPID pamphlet in the mail from a local funeral home! On the back is all these casket prices and plans for a funeral, like really?! I don't know why this is all affecting me so much tonight!
When I think about it though...there could be a lot of possible reasons why everything is slowly popping up. A big one is that I am truly moving forward now...I start college in less than a week. I have yet to go out to the cemetery but I'm scared if I go out for a visit then I will fall right back down. I'm scared...life is scary! Moving forward is scary! But I hope to get some sound sleep and wake tomorrow with a smile, ready to face the day and all it holds for me!

Home

I've been home now for a few days, getting ready for my first semester of college and such. I haven't been out to the cemetery and to be honest, I'm terrified to go out there. It has been a painful place for me for a while now...I'm worried if I go that I will fall back down a slippery slope. I'm still trying to stand on my own, without my grandma here to guide me it feels harder to stay afloat. I'm trying to keep busy and stay away from old habbits. I plan to start working out tomorrow...I know I've put my physical health at the bottom of my priority list. I can't do that anymore, not if I plan to have more children someday and live to an old age. I love Gabriel so very much, and it's hard to determine which actions are steps of healing and which are loose stones on a cliff. I'm sure I need a healthy amount of stepping forward and falling back a little in order to succeed, at least until I find my balance.

16 Months

A few hours ago I received a text from my husband, "I wished Gabriel a happy birthday for you and told him we'll both be out to visit him in a few days."
Birthday? What birthday?
I just sat there, staring at my phone, confused. I brought up my calendar and it was true, Gabriels' 16 month heavenly birthday is today. I anticipated the familiar stab in my heart, "be over quick" I prayed. Nothing. No tears tried to spill over my eye lashes, no memories flooded my mind...I was simply okay.
I've been wondering lately if the healing I feel has all been in my head, that maybe I was still just as broken and damaged as when I came here. I now think otherwise. I think this is a huge step, right? It's not that I don't think of my baby almost daily, but the crying episodes have yet to happen. Occasionally the tears escape but I think its only been about three times since I arrived, a considerably less amount than the month before I came to Oregon.
After coming to the diagnosis that my heart was still in tact, I had a split moment of relief. So, I thought, this is what it feels like when the storm has passed. But then I felt guilty, why should I feel okay? Is it really okay for me to feel okay about this? I swear you could have opened up my mind and heart to see two versions of me debating why it was and why it wasn't okay for me to feel this way. Both sides put up a great argument but I finally came to the conclusion that this is the proof I've been looking for. It's okay that I don't cry every monthly birthday, I think choosing the 29th (if anything) left me celebrating the anniversary of his death more than his precious life. I think a visit once a month is not to much but I have decided instead to choose a different day each month to visit and bring flowers. Gabriels' scrapbook has finally given me a place to record his precious life, and as cliché as it sounds, I can finally close this chapter and start a new one. I won't leave Gabriel behind, I'm sure I will still think of him and dream of him, and I'm under no expectation that it will all be sunshine from this point forward. I'm just done with hurting or feeling like I have to hurt every day just to show how much I love him. My only fear now is going home and no one else seeing the growth and love within me, I can't go back there, I don't want to go back to the darkness...I want to spend the rest of my time celebrating life! I will remember the beautiful moments I had with Gabriel, how can I forget such a perfect little boy? But it's time to step forward, the light is breaking through and I'm ready to face the world stronger and happier than I have ever been.

There's Always A "but..."

I wish I could say I haven't been posting for lack of heart breaking events in my life, but if I did, it would be a lie.
Oregon has so far been an amazing trip for me, one I needed for my soul and spirit. Back home I was stuck, surrounded on all sides by empty walls and a silent home. Every hour held painful memories, even if I tried to pretend I was "okay", on the inside I was falling apart. Escaping from home has given me a chance to center myself again. I've been moving forward even! I don't think of all the bad things that happened at the end of my pregnancy but instead I focus on celebrating Gabriels' precious life. Grief still checks in every once in a while, but it's only for a moment before I imagine Gabriels' beautiful smile in heaven. Somewhere in my heart, I know he doesn't want me to waste my life being sad or miserable all the time. Just like I would want only happiness in life, he only wants the same for me. I still believe the 29th of each month will be a little hard, but I am okay with that. Every day my goal is to now remember the happiness we shared, the joy in the feeling of his first kick, the pure love that brought tears to my eyes when I first heard his heartbeat. I can't let the pain or the grief rob me of my time with Gabriel. I will always miss and love my son and I know that there are still unforeseen struggles I will have to face along the way. I finally see some sunshine after the end of this storm.
But, in the last week I have found out some life changing news. I wish it was good news, I could use that right about now. I can't go into detail because I don't even know how to start processing this. I am in shock, denial even. If you would lift me and my family up in prayer right now, it would be a wonderful gift for me. 

In Love

I haven't had much to post about recently...I don't think I have enjoyed my life this much since I first found out I was pregnant with Gabriel! It has been such a relaxing joy to be in Oregon. I love the fresh air and the beautiful scenery, a part of me doesn't want to go home. Since I will be going home though I plan to thoroughly enjoy the next three weeks and hopefully I can keep this beautiful, peaceful energy while I'm at home. Gary and I are considering moving up here in a few years after I am done with school, who knows where we will end up?!

4th of July

I know this post is a few days late but I wanted to talk about my fourth of July. In a last minute frenzy, my grandmother decided we would have the family over for a BBQ in the evening, which based on my uncles work schedule ended up being in the early afternoon. It was nice for all of us to be together, and I'm actually pretty proud of myself for holding it together. Not to say that the day didn't have its amazing moments and there was plenty of laughter to go around. But, to me there was a missing piece to the picture perfect fun. Normally I would be heading out to the cemetery to light up a few little sparklers with my little man, but that is hard to do thousands of miles away. It was a very profound moment when I watched my baby cousin Ivan walking around and I knew there was another little boy that should be with me. My heart ached, it would be a lie to say that everything has been perfect or wonderful every moment of every day. This trip so far has brought a form of peace though. For once I am not spending every second crying or hurting for Gabriel. I am not alone with nothing but silence for my company. I laugh again, a true laugh of happiness without the edges of pretend joy. I almost don't want to go home...I feel safe. Not to say that I don't miss Gabriel, or Gary for that matter but Oregon has always been a place of peace and happiness for me. There are no sad memories here, my dreams did not die in this place...if anything, being here has me thinking more. I dig deeper inside myself, I pull out the broken pieces and carefully wash away the mess. I have also been working on Gabriel's scrapbook which has brought back a much desired amount of healing and memories from my pregnancy. I've been happy to remember so many precious and beautiful moments that have been buried under my grief. I am stuck though, the next part of my scrapbook is about having him only to say goodbye. It is hard not to be sad, and I don't want to remember the pain when I have just so recently rediscovered the joy he brought me. I ask that you pray for me, pray that I have the strength to face the darkness and rise above it once again. Gabriel will always be in my heart but I am tired of remembering the loss and not celebrating his innocence and the amazing nine months I had with him.

Meeting Ivan

Today I met my youngest cousin Ivan, he was born exactly a month before my precious Gabriel. This meeting has been a haunting thought since I entered the city limits of Dallas, Oregon. (In all honesty, it has been a constant thought since the plane ticket was bought) I was terrified to meet him. My grandmother, sister and I spent most of the day out and ended up invited to my cousin Cierra's softball game (Ivan's big sister). I knew my Aunt would be there with the two younger boys...I wasn't prepared. I didn't feel ready for this meeting but to everyone's surprise his first reaction to me was to give me a big hug. According to my Aunt, Ivan doesn't show affection...especially to people who don't know him but here was this little boy that had never met me giving me the most comforting hug. I spent the rest of the softball game struggling to pry my eyes away from this sweet boy, and every once in a while I would get more of these little hugs. I wanted to cry, it felt as if Gabriel was there, telling me it was okay. Even though it wasn't Gabriel hugging me, I still felt peace as if it was Gabriel's little arms around me. This trip may bring more healing than I originally anticipated, I honestly can't wait to see baby Ivan again. I can't wait to hold him, to watch him play and explore the world around him. I adore his beautiful eyes and the way they light up when he laughs. I think Ivan will always have a very special place in my heart, right next to where my love for Gabriel is.

Chills

My horoscope gave me chills, especially on Gabriels 15 month anniversary. God has plans for me, I can feel it in my heart and soul.

Pisces horoscope for Jun 29 2013

A greater feeling of peace and harmony is descending on your life now, Pisces. You have been torn over circumstances that seemed to have no solution. You have been immersed in a great pool of stress and worry. You have felt betrayed or picked on or misunderstood. With all of this going on, it has been hard to find your center. It has been hard to find balance. It has been impossible to achieve harmony and happiness. But something has shifted. You will soon find relief from your most pressing problems and concerns. Look forward to this with anticipation, and embrace it when it arrives. Don't choose to keep dwelling on the past. -- Copyright © DailyHoroscope. Download it now — http://bit.ly/DHmobile

Arrived "Home"

It's hard to believe I'm here already! The hours have flown by faster than I could have ever expected. This morning my trip started with tearful goodbyes and a tummy full of nervous butterflies, but during take off a serine calm came over me. I watched as we climbed by thousands of feet, the sun rise above Kansas City. Colors mixed together in a water color painting, I knew my angel baby was here to comfort me. On the flight we also flew over the Grand Canyon which was of course beautiful in the early morning sun. Before I knew it though, Portland was beneath me and my heart was sailing. Everything in the world seemed right, seemed perfect even. During the ride home I even found the scrapbook I am using for my Gabriel scrapbook! That just baffled me and I knew coming to Oregon was the right thing. It will be a beautiful trip, I believe God had a hand in guiding the process to get me here.

48 Hours and Counting

It's 2:30a.m. right now and I can't sleep! In less than 48 hours I will be on the road for my 4 hour drive to the airport. From there, a five hour flight to Oregon, with one stop but no plane change in between. My first vacation this summer was amazing, despite my fears and panic attacks. This feels different, I wasn't missing any "important" dates when we went to Florida...with this trip I am missing two of Gabriels monthly birthdays and it will be my first time away from my husband. Since Gabriels passing the longest Gary have been apart is his 8-9 hour work shift....now I'm heading off for a month!! I keep telling myself that everything will be fine. I actually want this trip to begin a form of healing my soul has been aching for. With two of my family members (one a short walk away and the other I will be staying with) who have also been through child loss, maybe I can get the one on one venting I need. My monthly support group is amazing, don't get me wrong, but often times we get new families and it's hard to compact everything you need advice on into one two hour session with other families trying to do the same. I need more! I ask that you pray for me. Pray for my guidance into a new phase of healing, that a place that has always been my safe haven will still be a place of security and love.

Father's Day 2013

Our second Father's Day has now come and gone. For me it seems almost impossible for us to be working our way up through the list of "seconds"....it makes me panic to think we are working up to his second heavenly birthday already! It has felt like eternity since I watched Gary holding our little one and yet the days since have gone by in a blink of an eye. Yesterday started off with chocolate cupcakes for breakfast at the cemetery. Since Gary's birthday was yesterday too I thought it would be a sweet gesture to sing Happy Birthday to him, he loved it! After that we went to the park so Gary could play his weekly role-playing game with all the other guys and while I was out there I finished the greatest book I have ever read. It is called, "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman. This book was written beautifully and I highly recommend reading it if you are struggling with your faith after experiencing a loss. I feel a tugging in my heart again and maybe it is time that I turn to God to let him help heal my soul. We ended the night with a very relaxing dinner at Cheddar's with my mom and her boyfriend. We didn't talk about Gabriel at all during the day, which of course felt odd and out of place for me. I don't think it was intentional and at the end of the day, Gary had an amazing time.

Magic Kingdom

Day 4 (June 10,2013)
After an amazing night of sleep and a lazy morning that led into the early afternoon, Gary and I were on our way to Magic Kingdom. We rode the tram to the front gate, scanned our tickets and were quickly stopped by a mid-day parade that we had no idea was going to happen. There was something magical about watching the Disney characters dance around, the princesses held close to their prince chartings...for a moment I felt like life was full of innocence once again. (As cliche as that sounds)
After the parade we tried to find shelter for a few moments from the heat and ended up in a line we thought was for a Mickey Mouse show...before long we were standing in front of the character himself for a photo opportunity! Quickly we grabbed out our picture of Gabriel and without a funny look or question got yet another perfect family photo. The rest of the day we spent walking around in the heat, collecting fast passes and stopping to catch small shows here and there. Of course there were plenty of photo ops for our little jedi bear along the way. By the evening I felt like a child myself. The world seemed brighter and caught up in the moment I decided to ride "It's A Small World". The line was short and as we sat down in our boat I handed Gary one of two dimes I dug out of my pocket. While we had been waiting for the ride to begin I noticed thousands of coins in the shallow water. I knew that this was the best place to make a wish, amongst thousands of wishes from all over the world. I still don't know what Gary wished for, and I hope he wished for something he truly wants. As for me, I won't go into much detail but I wished for something beautiful and magnificent. I wished for healing that comes from only heaven itself. And though I know that everything is done in God's perfect timing, I hope he heard my heart that night.
After the wishes were cast and a short ride spent in awe of the beauty this ride contained, we were off to see the fireworks. We weren't in front of the castle, but off to the side where the crowds weren't quite as bad. I was still very much caught up in the innocence that surrounded me. The fireworks were beautiful, and before long I found myself crying as a swarm of emotions swept me away. In a moment I felt thankful, aching, exalted, beautiful, young, and so many other things...here I was next to the man of my dreams, my prince charming and yet feeling incomplete. My wish has yet to be granted but I know, someday, my dreams will bring me more happiness that I can even begin to imagine. As the fireworks lit up the sky tears were falling down my cheeks and I found myself praying and wishing. I was hopeful, I felt renewed.
After the fireworks we made our way to the teacups. Gary had us spinning out of control, the world around us was a blur...but we were laughing and looking into each others eyes like we haven't done since before Gabriel's passing. I fell in love with my husband again and it sank in that it didn't matter how out of control the world was spinning around us. We were together, man and wife, a mother and father.
I know how cliche all this sounds, I really really do...but I feel like maybe something is changing within us. Maybe we've awakened to God's calling to us. Only time will tell.

Hollywood Studios

We are now four days in to vacation. As expected I have had moments where life is higher than the clouds and in an instant can be lower than the depths of the sea. I have so much to talk about....

Day 1 (June 7,2013)
This is the day we began our trip to Florida. I actually woke up excited, ready to start vacationing and stop worrying about every little thing. But by the time we got to the cemetery to leave flowers for Gabriel, I had to bite my lip to keep from crying, which of course didn't work for very long at all! I was in tears because it wasn't fair that while I was leaving to enjoy myself, my baby couldn't physically come with me. We told him about how we were going to include him, how much we missed and loved him and how we would find the best souvenir we could. A few short hours from that moment we were off on the plane, my panic attacks from flying were in full swing and I was a train wreck. Upon landing at the airport, we took the hour long car ride to my husbands grandparents house. Of course everyone was enthralled with the little children in the house (Gary's older brothers kids). I wasn't jealous of the kids getting attention, I wasn't hurt that my sister-in-law was getting to brag about her fourth pregnancy, but what upset me the most was that no one bothered to ask me if I was okay. No one asked how our M.E.N.D. meetings were going, how were me and Gary doing...before long I didn't feel right about going on this trip at all. I was ready to pack my bags and walk home if needed! So with an early bed time and a few hours of reading "See" by Mary-Beth Chapman (which has so far been an amazing and beautiful book for me), I was off for an early bed time.

Day 2 (June 8,2013)
After a wonderful breakfast at Denny's the family was all packed up and ready to head to Mims, FL from Palm Coast, FL. We were headed to see some of Gary's extended family and stay the night visiting. When we got there, despite my nerves of meeting more of the crazy family I married in to, I was welcomed with open arms and even felt like I had known these people for years. At one point during the conversation Gary's grandpa had talked about how Gary's older brother and sister-in-law make such beautiful children. Nothing was mentioned about Gabriel so of course my stupid hormones took over. Luckily I had time to grab Gary and drag him down the hall so he could hold me as I cried. It felt wrong to know that my son should be here playing with his cousins too. I should be told how beautiful my baby is...but after I let it all out in tears, I just cuddled myself up with Gabriel's blanket and teddy bear. The rest of the evening was filled with wonderful family memories, and even at this point it was such a joy to have the time I did with my nephews and niece. After a very calming storm and yummy pizza, another of Gary's aunts came over. She truly changed my entire vacation in a single sentence. Amidst all the normal chitter-chatter and joking she turned to me and asked,"How are YOU doing?"
I was speechless, and in a moment threw out a simple answer of "good". Here was a woman who barely new me but for maybe a few minutes and she cared enough to ask me how I was. I could tell in her voice she meant emotionally, not just your every day greeting. That night I went to bed elated. I felt wonderful and thankful but most of all I was happy that someone had finally acknowledged Gabriel.

Day 3 (June 9,2013)
With an early alarm of 6:15a.m. we were out on the road and heading down to Disney for the last day of the Star Wars Weekends. Gary and I were beyond excited and we had a few tag-alongs for the day too. (His cousin and sister, Alyssa) I was nervous about pulling out Gabriel's teddy bear for the pictures with all the different characters and Hollywood Studios. Surprisingly, I got an approving response, people loved the bear in his tiny jedi robe! What was best is that no one questioned why we were doing this and I didn't have to tell the tragic story of losing my son. We had a blast though, but one moment will always be a fond memory of mine. Gary has a favorite character, Boba Fett and during the Star Wars event they had stations set up where you could get pictures with different Star Wars characters. Boba Fett and Jengo Fett both switch out of the station at different intervals so really there is no guarantee what bounty hunter you will get a picture with. (The Disney employees are really good at letting you know this ahead of time) Well, it was mid-afternoon and just after the heat of the day so we were pretty exhausted! We already had a picture with Jengo Fett, since the characters had switched out as we got to the front of the line, and this time we were hoping to get a picture with Boba Fett. We waited patiently, teddy bear in hand, only to get a five minute warning at the same spot we had been at early while we were in line! (Mind you the characters had already switched once during our wait time) I couldn't believe we might miss this one picture! I quickly urged Gary to talk to an employee about our situation and let him know why we needed this picture. The employee promised the characters wouldn't switch until after Gary and I got our picture!! I was beyond thankful and just wanted to hug the guy because he didn't know how much this would mean to us, and apparently, I had no idea how much this would mean to Gary.
You know when a kid meets their favorite super hero of all time and their eyes light up? Gary got to the front of the line, clutching to his chest the picture we had of Gabriel (which hadn't left the back pack yet today) and in his other arm was the bear. He looked at Boba Fett and explained how we needed two pictures. I was ready with the camera and took the bear from Gary's arms. There he was, smiling with his favorite character and a picture of our precious Gabriel between the two of them. After that we got a picture with Boba Fett, Gary, the bear and me but when Gary started to walk away Boba Fett placed his arm on Gary's shoulder and gave a sympathetic nod.
Gary told me as we walked away that he was shaking and ready to cry, he told me how he told Boba Fett that our Gabriel had died a year ago and all he wanted was a picture with his son and his favorite character. He told me it was the next best thing to having Gabriel with us and how this one moment had made his vacation. I watched tears swell up in my husbands eyes, a simple moment that I will forever cherish. So beautiful, so raw....God blessed me with the chance to be a part of something so meaningful in Gary's life. Who knew something so small, a simple moment, could mean so much?

4 Days

The big count down is here, four days till our trip to Florida. I want to be excited, I want to be beside myself with happiness...but I'm not. I'm dreading this! I've been putting off packing, I've started crying almost every day and I feel guilty. Vacationing shouldn't feel this hard! I feel like I'm abandoning Gabriel and this just isn't the way it is supposed to be. On a good note, I did finally get a picture printed out and framed for our Disney family pictures. I don't know what kind of reaction we are going to get when we take these pictures but Gabriel is and always will be a very important family member. I really miss him though...and I wish he was here so I could pack his adorable outfits and see his eyes light up when he meets Mickey Mouse! (Either that or he would cry in fear and it would still be adorable) I'm scared about my month long vacation after Disney too. I will miss two of his monthly birthdays while I'm gone and he won't just be a short drive away from me. I need all the prayers I can get, every hour that goes by just seems to make it harder and I really want to just relax!!

The Ugly Side

Grief can get ugly. It can leave you feeling vulnerable, cheated, and exhausted (and of course a whole rotten buffet of emotions). Lately I have been battling my grief, I've been fighting to keep it from ravaging my happiness. While at the park today I thought I would be a mess from all the families and little ones running around, but instead I looked at the funny and adorable things that the kids were doing while their parents were to busy to notice. More than once I caught myself laughing out loud and wished so badly I could take pictures and capture the moments that these parents weren't. (I've already determined I will have a camera attached to me at all times with my children but not for the posed shots. I love photos with action or when you catch a shot of them doing something when they think no one is looking). After the park and Gary had his fill of L.A.R.P.ing with his friends, we headed to the store for some fresh flowers and were on our way to the cemetery. We took our photos and spent time laying in the grass with Gabriel. When it came time to head home grief sucker punched me and anger boiled in my veins. I had just spent all day watching siblings play together and run around, but when I have my next baby...who will they run around with? So I yelled at him, "why did you go? Who gave you permission to leave me?" The tears fell and before I knew it we were in the car driving away. A nasty knot of guilt settled right in my stomach, how do I know if Gabriel had a choice or not? How was his death any fault of his? I cried so hard and Gary finally pulled over at a gas station to hold me. I've never really thought about what it will be like to watch Gabriels future brothers and sisters grow up...but from what I've heard it can be bitter sweet. For now I'm okay with being just Gabriels mommy, a pregnancy test proved that point a couple weeks ago when I let out a sigh of relief when the test was negative. But someday I'll want another baby, someday I'll want someone to hold in these empty arms.

*the picture of me in the car is what inspired this post, it was me crying and after debating whether or not to post it...I decided not to hide the ugly reality of sucker punches in grief.

Time for A Change

Summer break is coming quickly and I am pleased to say that I am finally getting away from this town for vacation!! It has been a very much needed break away. In about 3 weeks my husband, his family and I are all going to Florida and to Disney. This will be mine and Garys first trip out of state together. We plan to include Gabriels memory by bringing a picture of our handsome boy and having the Disney characters hold the picture when we get little family photos. I'll admit that I am a little scared to go since it will be our first trip away. It seems silly to be so worried about it...maybe it's because I'm so used to having the luxury of being able to drive to the cemetery whenever I want but on those days, I won't be able to.
A couple weeks after we get home from Florida I go by myself to Oregon for a month. My moms side of the family lives there and it has always been a safe haven for me, a place of spiritual growth even. I stay in this small town where you can literally walk anywhere, and the nature is absolutely gorgeous. I think it will be a good thing for me. As much as my family at home tries to be sympathetic and help me through my grief, they can only do so much. Both my grandmother and aunt in Oregon have had losses in their life, and I think being able to talk through the difficult times at the moment they are happening will help me to heal. I always seem to come back as a stronger and better person. Something about being there helps me grow in ways I can't while I'm home surrounded by the drama.
I have also decided to go to college when I get back. I have already filled out my paperwork and I am just waiting to be accepted! I feel it is time to start doing thingss with my life. I have survived the first year, I can't let my life waste away while I lay cooped up in the house. I want to make Gabriel proud, I want to someday go to heaven and tell him about all the things he inspired me to do!

My Second Mothers Day

The day has passed, the heavy stressful weight has been lifted and we survived! This year Gary worked all day again but I got to spend the day with my mom, my two sisters, my friend Brittanie and her adorable son. I won't lie, the start of the morning was hard! I didn't want to get out of bed and as soon as the words "Happy Mothers Day" left Garys lips, I didn't want to even think about being recognized as a mom. It's weird, where other women are begging to be recognized as mothers still, I am wanting quite the opposite. Gabriel will always be a part of me, he will always be my son and I am not trying to deny his existence. But, it is so painful to remember that where I should be waking up to a smiling one year old, instead, I am waking up empty arms. In my own grief I am trying to remember the good moments I had with Gabriel, but for some reason when people remind me that yes, I am a mother....it just brings forth all the beautiful things I'm missing out on.
It was a much nicer day though when I finally put down my phone down and took a huge step back from Facebook. And when I got to see my friend and her little boy, my heart could not have been any fuller with happiness! After a while, it didn't even feel like Mothers Day, it just felt like I was being around people I care and love about. Having a little baby to hold gave my aching heart some comfort! I don't know what it is but seeing little babies always eases the pain, I think it's because they are so full of innocence.
After Gary got home we went out to see Gabriel together. I actually hadn't cried all day until Gary told me to close my eyes and placed a hand made card into my hands. He had taken copies of Gabriels foot and handprints to use with my card, it is the first card in my entire life that brought tears to my eyes. It was the only gift I got for Mothers Day but it was more than enough!

We Are Here

Last night I had a melt down. It has been a little while since the tears fell so heavily. I can't believe how much of an emotional mess the arrival of Mothers Day is making. Though it hurt last year, I remember feeling so much more numb to the festivities happening out in the world...but this year I haven't managed to numb myself. I typically try not to focus on everything I am missing out on with Gabriel, but yesterday was just brutal and raw! While shopping with my sisters for our Mothers Day gifts for our mom, I attempted to find a card to recognize the role of grandmother for my mom. Of course nothing fit for our unique situation! There are cards for everyone! The adoptive mom, the mom of pets, the expectant mom, the grandmom, the great grandmom, the stepmother, the aunt that is like a mom...but hallmark has left out a very large group of moms, the bereaved moms!! I know I said this the other day, but what about us? Is it truly that hard for the writers of hallmark to come up with a beautiful message that can simply recognize that we are moms too?

Not My First

Mothers Day is fast approaching, my stomach seems to be in knots and to be honest...I thought I would be better this year. This isn't my "first" Mothers Day, I survived my year of firsts already, but I guess I am disappointed in myself. Not to mention that this year, the advertisements and commercials and store decorations seem to be exploding all over the place! I can't go a single day without getting at least five emails about the "perfect mothers day gift". Everytime I go into Walmart just to get some groceries there are cards everywhere, pretty little gifts lurk around every corner...I'm practically choking on it all! I wish I could just be happy for the mothers around me who are holding their children, I wish I could just be thankful for the women who don't know this pain...and yet, I am selfish and jealous. I want to just shake the naive happiness from the woman around me and make them realize how lucky they are. Maybe they already know how blessed they are...maybe not. I don't want to be so negative and yet I want to pop ever Mothers Day balloon, break every single mug with a silly message to "mommy", burn every card, and pick the petals off every last flower! Where are the presents for the grieving mothers? Why can't stores have a special section of cards just for us?
This time seems so painful. I'm trying to put on a brave face, I want to make the day about MY mommy...but this person inside of me whispers,"what about me? Where is my recognition?" And I wonder, where are my kisses? Where is the breakfast prepared for me in bed? Where are my handmade cards and gifts made from hand and footprints? How cruel is it to be a "mother", to feel the need and want to hold your child but it has all been ripped away. Instead of me getting flowers from my baby, I will bring flowers to him at his grave...instead of breakfast in bed, I will bring the cupcakes to the cemetery...instead of hugs and kisses, I will lay over the soft ground where he rests and cry. While most of the world is on cloud nine celebrating the women who are mothers with fancy lunches, gifts, and dinners.....I will be at the cemetery.

13 Months

It may seem silly to some but I have decided that I will continue to celebrate monthly birthdays for the time being. I still can't believe how quickly time vanishes, sometimes I close my eyes and it was just yesterday when I held my precious Gabriel for the first time. We went out to see him today and brought along a small Hulk toy. (What boy doesn't love Hulk???) It was so beautiful out too. It reminded me of last summer when I would take the blanket out to the cemetery and lay there for hours, it brought me such peace. This summer will be my first summer away from Springfield since before I was pregnant. It would be a lie to say I'm not nervous, maybe even borderline terrified! In June I go on a week and a half long vacation to Florida with Gary, which shouldn't be too bad. But about two weeks from when we get back from there, I head out to Oregon to see my moms side of the family for a month. I've needed the break away for a little bit and Oregon has always been a place where I can go to think and become closer to myself again. It's the place I figure out what I want and what I believe. In the past it hasn't been a problem to pack up and head out for the month but this year....I am a lot more hesitant. It seems silly almost, Gabriel will be with me no matter what but I guess it has been a luxury to be right down the road from where he rests. The thought of being so far away from him almost makes me cringe but why?

Life of Pi

Last night my husband and I decided to rent Life of Pi. We had heard it was a good movie and to say the least, I am in love with this movie! Despite the challenges that Pi faces, he is still praising God through his heartbreaks and fear. To be honest, I felt inspired and thought to myself that maybe it is time for me to ask for help from God more often. God is strong enough to handle my anger, my tears, and so much more.
I did a lot of thinking yesterday and somewhere saw the quote that "God doesn't give us what we can't handle." I disagree. The more I've thought about it these past few hours, the more I have come to the conclusion that it isn't God who gives us to much but instead life. Circumstances of life give us to much to carry in our hearts alone, and so we are left to carry the weight ourselves. Or we can turn to God, nothing is to great for him. When we feel helpless, when our world seems to be falling apart...God is simply waiting for us to come to him. So where life breaks our will...God gives us the strength to keep going, all we have to do is ask.

Awakening

Yesterday I found myself reminiscing on the memories of my pregnancy. While waiting for my husband to get out of work, I parked in my favorite parking spot where I would sit and read library books as Gabriel would squirm around. I also drove the scenic route past the hospital and the doctors office on my way home...it wasn't painful to remember, it was sad though to think of what we could be doing if Gabriel was here. It doesn't seem like it's been over a year yet...it still feels like yesterday when I held him close to me and breathed in the innocent scent of birth. I wish I could hold him to my chest still though....I wish I could hear his first word, watch him take his first steps, feel the slobbering kisses...

Tonight I watched Steel Magnolias, the new version, but from where I started it was a wonderful movie. At the end though, as the mother held her daughters hand for the last time, my heart fell to pieces. It is a sad movie to begin with, but this was the first movie I connected with that truly made me feel like a mother. I understood the deep feelings of love and devotion to your child, I understood the pain of feeling helpless when as a mother you're supposed to "fix it". This movie exposed very raw emotions for me, it reminded me that even though my child isn't here...I am still a mother. When a child cries, a natural instinct kicks in to protect and soothe. I no longer feel awkward around children, it is almost unnatural for me not to want to hold babies or crawl on the floor with toddlers. Motherhood is life changing, beautiful, over-bearing, scary and the most wonderful gift in the world. Even though my son isn't here, it doesn't make me less of a mother...Steel Magnolias woke me up.

My Telescope

I can't help but day dream about how different life could be right now. I close my eyes and imagine Gabriels adorable smile, I see his beautiful eyes shinning brightly with innocence. It makes me smile to imagine him walking around in tiny shoes because let's face it, those itty bitty feet in shoes that fit in the palm of your hand is just adorable and funny all at the same time!
A few weeks ago I was talking with my grandma, she has suffered multiple losses ranging anywhere from early miscarriage to full term stillbirth. She told me to think of Gabriel and imagine looking through a telescope, even though he is far away my telescope makes it possible to see him clearly. I loved when she told me this and these last few weeks I have caught myself more than once with my feet propped up and lost in day dreams of what Gabriel looks like. Some people might consider this a sign that I'm not moving forward, or that I am postponing the inevitable truth that Gabriel is in heaven. I know he is in heaven though! And taking a few moments out of my day to just imagine how old he would be now is so wonderful. I don't cry when I think of him, I smile and see him more clearly than I ever have since his passing. It gets me through the hard times, and some days it is so vivid I feel like I am getting a sneak-peak straight into heaven.